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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

247 replies

Gdionysus · 06/04/2022 13:56

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

OP posts:

babyjellyfish · 07/04/2022 08:28

No. I suffered from recurrent miscarriages for over a year before getting pregnant with my son and so the last part of our child free life wasn't that much fun anyway. Now he is here and he is adorable and we are already trying for a second. I work full time and I make time to see my friends and somehow we make it work.

Chonfox · 07/04/2022 09:12

Pps say here they regret having a second and that's sad for them but I can understand why they would feel that as the bond you have with your first is just incredible. I long for the early years but only if I could rewind it, not necessarily have a second.

This surprises me as for me and many people I know the bond came with the second! First babies often result in difficult births and the shock of adjusting to life with a newborn for the first time can be overwhelming (for me it was anyway!) so I never got that blissful feeling until my second. Which has been a urprisingly common among my cohort of friends/family.

Traumdeuter · 07/04/2022 09:27

@Chonfox

I can see both sides of it really - I think I would be so much better with a second child as I would feel more confident and know what to expect, but a rewind/do-over would be better as a small child + newborn is tough even if they’re both easy-going. I did enjoy a lot of the fourth trimester with DS but there was a lot of brisk walks with the pram or sitting on the sofa reading/watching box sets whilst he fed or slept in my arms. Those were my favourite bits.

sqirrelfriends · 07/04/2022 13:57

A bit but I wouldn't give up DS for anything.

That being said, I only have the one and that lends us a bit more flexibility.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 07/04/2022 14:15

2 kids here, 3.5 and 1.5. I'm exhausted. I've had 7 hrs sleep in the last 2 nights combined. Life is a merry go round of wiping and battling. Frankly I hate it at the moment. If I could go back, no I wouldn't do it.

UsernameInTheTown · 07/04/2022 14:31

Not one bit. My DD and DDog make my life so full of love and fun.

BingBangB0ng · 07/04/2022 14:45

I’d like to be able to do stuff I used to do once a month or so, but overall my life with children is infinitely better than without and no way in hell would I have made a different decision knowing what I do now.

DueyCheatemAndHow · 07/04/2022 14:47

I think I must be doing it wrong

TeddyisMydog · 08/04/2022 19:17

@DueyCheatemAndHow

You're not doing it wrong! I've definitely felt very abnormal after reading these comments. I have 4 children and I don't think I've had one day where I thought "you know what, I'm loving this" I hate every single day

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/04/2022 19:25

Does anyone feel a bit like they’ve been duped by society? Society giving them a message that’s being a mum is brilliant blah blah

SleeplessInEngland · 08/04/2022 19:28

I miss aspects of it but all my other friends had kids do it wouldn’t be the same anyway - they’d be too busy to live the lives we used to lead.

RussianSpy101 · 08/04/2022 19:29

@LuckySantangelo35 not at all. I feel like people put out lots of negativity about it and I personally haven’t experienced that.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/04/2022 19:35

Occasionally, more for peace and quiet over parties.
I wouldn't swap though even for a minute.

familyissues12345 · 08/04/2022 19:38

No, but I had children fairly young in life (early 20's) so don't really remember adult life without a child in it!

I do sometimes wonder if I would have missed my life if I'd had DS1 10 years later or something

Thinkbiglittleone · 08/04/2022 19:39

I firstly didn't want kids at all, I just couldn't picture them fitting in with our lives, then I changed my mind, then we struggled to get pregnant but we did in the end.

It was the best thing we did, it actually upsets me to think I may have chosen to miss out on him, then been unable to have him. Yes, It's tough, it's exhausting and it's certainly relentless with trying to raise a decent human, but I personally think the rewards well outweigh any of that. It does corny and cliche but my life now is so much more fulfilling.

Would I do it all again if I had the chance, Hell yeah.

EssexLioness · 08/04/2022 20:15

I am surprised by the responses on here. The question of whether people regret having children comes up on MN every few months and there are usually many more replies saying they do regret having children.

Chonfox · 09/04/2022 10:00

Does anyone feel a bit like they’ve been duped by society? Society giving them a message that’s being a mum is brilliant blah blah

I strongly felt this when my DD was a baby! I thought it was the biggest con. Didn't enjoy a single minute of it and had all these soft fools lining up to tell me "ooohhhh such a special time, enjoy every second!" I'd smile and nod but inside think "enjoy every second of what?! What an I supposed to be enjoying?!" Life with babies is hell IMO and I will forever be amazed that some people actually enjoy that level of drudge, exhaustion and self-sacrifice.

I think it's often a habit that people say nice things to be polite and since the baby is coming regardless you may as well try and be positive but when it's people close to you they should give you some heads up! I vowed I would be honest to my friends/family about how much I disliked early parenting incase any of them felt the same but were afraid to voice it. It's risky of course as some will assume you hate your child and are a terrible mother (I don't and I'm not!) As a result I've since had a number of people come to me when they were really struggling and I was able to act as a non-judgmental sounding board, so I'm glad I could help a tiny bit.

Mine is school age and now and luckily I do enjoy her a lot of the time. She's a lovely child which makes it easier but in hindsight I probably should have just got a dog!

RussianSpy101 · 09/04/2022 10:03

@Chonfox but those people may well of been honest with you. My experience certainly wasn’t one of drudgery and exhaustion. Yes, I was tired but I wouldn’t describe it the way you have at all.

So just because you feel it wasn’t your experience, doesn’t mean it was dishonest.

Chonfox · 09/04/2022 10:22

Chonfox but those people may well of been honest with you. My experience certainly wasn’t one of drudgery and exhaustion. Yes, I was tired but I wouldn’t describe it the way you have at all. So just because you feel it wasn’t your experience, doesn’t mean it was dishonest

I appreciate some will have been truthful but others definitely weren't as they admitted after that they also found it hard - I could have done with being told that earlier!

RussianSpy101 · 09/04/2022 10:46

@Chonfox that’s a shame. There still seems to be a stigma attached to not finding it all sunshine and rainbows which makes it very hard I’m sure. I’m glad you were able to help others.

FoggySpecs · 09/04/2022 10:54

I enjoyed my life before and used to go out all the time, I was literally never at home, the early days with children were an adjustment as you are more house bound. I had PND too but I love having them, they've taught me me things about myself, I don't go out much now but I love my life, it is busy. I found in my 30s my friends suddenly all became busy with kids and the things we did changed but the bonds were deeper.

RoseMartha · 09/04/2022 11:02

Yes I miss it. Parenting special needs adopted teenagers with underlying mental health issues as a single parent is tough. I mean I knew it wasn't going to be easy to parent adopted children but this has exceeded all I could have ever imagined. Every night I think I can't cope with another day but somehow I have to. However my situation is probably in the minority.

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