To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

I don’t miss my life as such because my life was quite dull but I wouldn’t have had children if I’d known what it would be like.

I have GAD (which I knew about) and Asperger’s (which I didn’t). So I worry obsessively about them and they’re also on the spectrum which made things more difficult. Plus I became a single parent when they were 4 and 6. I got to the point where I was scared to take them out on my own because it was so stressful.

My mental and physical health were ruined although my physical health is better lately now that I have more time to myself. I had an early menopause too, probably because of all the stress.

You’ll never know love like it but with that comes great fear. That’s why dogs are a better option….there’s a lot of love but the fear is less.

Yep I miss it, but like I miss being 15 and not have a job and lasting in the garden all summer holidays and going to parties ! You can't go back, it's a new chapter. Plus you will come through the other side and can do the weekends away and the lunches once they are grown up.

I do really enjoy going to kids days out. I don't enjoy schools runs with a 2 year old who insists on walking really slowly when it's pissing it down with rain and you're already late. So there's lot of lovely things, plus lots of grind stuff. It's the best and the worst thing you'll ever do in one.

My DS is just shy of 18 months. I used to travel and party constantly, I had a wonderful life.

Not for one second would I change things. I miss easy travel with a one way ticket and a backpack and sometimes I wish I could take up a last minute party invitation but oh my gosh, since the second the little beast was put on me he has given me such a deep and constant feeling of love, certainty and fulfilment, there's no comparison. The joy of playing with your child, watching them learn, grow, develop, smile, laugh, babble... better than anything I knew before.

I enjoyed traveling and eating out until 36, I now have a 2 month old baby and she's amazing. I was always ambivalent about having a child and spent the last 10 years reading threads like this one, agonising and trying to decide. In the end I decided I'll regret not knowing what it's like to have a family. My husband said the other day we wasted the past 15 years. I fully embraced my new mum-identity and don't miss my old life, after all they'll only be a baby/child for a short while, and before long we can eat out and travel with them ❤️

I recommend a podcast "to baby or not to baby", it's helped me sort through my feelings and understand that I do want a family.

I don’t agree with the view that it’s best not to have kids unless you’re desperate to have them. I’m childfree by choice and don’t regret that as such, but I believe there can be downsides. Most articles in the media on the topic feature gregarious souls with masses of friends and extended family. I’m an introvert with a small circle of friends and a small family (no cousins, one sibling who also has no kids) and I do worry about not having people around me as I go through life. I also don’t have any real involvement with young people and kids, which isn’t great.

As I say, not the wrong decision for me overall, but as with having children not without its drawbacks too. There are stages to a childfree life too, and how things are in your 20s or 30s will not remain so forever.

I do often miss my old life but was also ready to give it up for children. I waited until late 30s though and squeezed out every gig and spontaneous travel opportunity possible. I enjoy my life with kids in a very different way. It's not that travel and socialising can never happen though! Just needs more planning, and I say that as someone with zero close-by family support.

I love my kids to bits but yes I carry much miss just having time to myself.

I was either at school/college and then not long after pregnant so never got to experience casual life on my own.

I miss my old life very, very much indeed. The freedom to do what you want, when you want. The brain space of not having to think about another human all day. Being on my own.

I am glad I had a child because I always wanted one and I would have regretted not... but equally, I now see I would have been done without if those bastard hormones hadn't kicked in. It's really fucking hard, so don't do it unless you really want to.

*fine without

No I don’t, not even a little bit.

I socialise WITH my children. I don’t mean that I take them with me whilst I see my friends, I mean I literally socialise with them. If we go out for dinner, we chat, catch up, they tell me about what’s going on with their lives, I tell them what’s going on with mine. I know their friends, and they fill my house up with their games, interests, dramas, projects, debates, personalities.

We’ve travelled, enjoyed holidays and spontaneous trips away aplenty. I’ve taken the DC to Morocco, Iceland, France, Belgium, Greece, Spain, Mexico, and more.

Other than the school holiday restriction, and things involving lots of alcohol, I can’t think of much I can’t do now that I could do then, with my DC with me.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't of had children people say you never regret having them but that hasn't been true in my case.

I just miss laying in in the morning. I hate that you have to be instantly on the go with pooey nappy’s crying and noisy toys 😂 literally as soon as you open your eyes. I wouldn’t change it though as ive always wanted a child and the love you feel for them is amazing and watching them grow and do all the “firsts”

@BasaltIsland

I don’t agree with the view that it’s best not to have kids unless you’re desperate to have them. I’m childfree by choice and don’t regret that as such, but I believe there can be downsides. Most articles in the media on the topic feature gregarious souls with masses of friends and extended family. I’m an introvert with a small circle of friends and a small family (no cousins, one sibling who also has no kids) and I do worry about not having people around me as I go through life. I also don’t have any real involvement with young people and kids, which isn’t great.

As I say, not the wrong decision for me overall, but as with having children not without its drawbacks too. There are stages to a childfree life too, and how things are in your 20s or 30s will not remain so forever.

Agree. I'm 54, been been childfree by choice most of my life, was very certain of/contented with my choice and never thought I'd question it, until I hit about 50 and my dad's death started to make me think very differently about the future and how I might have liked it to look vs how it's likely to be. Especially as I'm an only child from a small family.

In all honesty I don't think I'd have made a great mother, and as an introvert who needs a lot of space and solitude I'd definitely have missed my old life like crazy, and I do like my life as it is, so it's probably all worked out for the best, but I do have some regrets. If someone isn't sure but thinks they might want children I think it's important to at least mentally explore that feeling.

Yes.

Don't have children unless for you its an absolutely rock solid unshakeable need that you have.

Yeah my mum has told me several times that if she could have her time back she wouldn't have had us!

I'm childfree in my 40s, no regrets, it's not for me. I couldn't cope with kids.

I had my son at 35. Life was a lot more carefree before and we weren't crippled by childcare fees but I couldn't imagine life without him, he's my reason for being. I've always been a bit of a homebody anyway so don't particularly miss evenings out. We just make the most of it when we can have family babysit as they live far away. I try and pursue my own interests too as I don't want my identity to revolve just around motherhood, as important as that is.

In all honesty I don't think I'd have made a great mother, and as an introvert who needs a lot of space and solitude I'd definitely have missed my old life like crazy, and I do like my life as it is, so it's probably all worked out for the best, but I do have some regrets

I think you made the right choice. Having children with a personality like yours is very stressful. Also, kids rightly grow up and go off to lead their own lives. You can't rely on them for default social contact, and they will feel the burden and guilt of it if you do.

And personally, I really, don't want to burden my kids with my care needs.

Yeah you’re right for sure @Choopi baby years are short compared to someone’s whole life, that’s why we had two very close. I can’t really bare it and knew I wouldn’t be able to ‘go back’ if we left baby stage.

At the time though they feel so long 🥲as I said, I’m 2 years in and it’s started getting great with the toddler. Still have a 6m old in tow.

Nope. I don't miss the person I was pre-kids at all, I was only 21 when we had our 1st though.

I do miss freedom sometimes but that is only because dh works away so I can't leave them with him to do my own thing, pain in the arse sorting a babysitter.

Only in the way I miss my youth. I love my life right now with my dc in it.

No not really but there are days when I miss the freedom to do as you wish and not plan. I don’t miss my old life but equally I don’t martyr myself to my children and I think that’s the key

Like other posters. The only thing I miss is being able to do what I want, when I want.
I have 1 DD who has just turned two and I couldn't imagine life without her. She is actually really good and not much of my pre-baby life has changed as she comes with me most places happily.
I don't think I will be having another though. 1 still allows us an element of freedom in that we can still afford to do things, go on holiday. Another would mean money would be tight.

I had DC in my early 30s. By the time DC1 was born I'd been with DH for 9 years, living in London and enjoying nights out, travelling etc. I enjoyed it all at the time, but seemed natural to move on to "the next step" and I have never regretted it.

There are adventurous parts of my pre-child life that I miss. They're 9 & 11 so it's been a good while now, and the independence years are still a while off.

But life would have changed anyway. Most of my friends' avaliability would still have been affected by their families. I'd probably have shifted friendships and children or not, it is hard for women in their 30s/ 40s as so many are in the thick of parenting and the pool of socially avaliable women shrinks.

I don't regret my children and they've opened up other doors of opportunity.

Missing and regret are not the same thing.

@NowEvenBetter

Strongly agree.