To ask whether you miss your old child free life?

[Gdionysus]

DP and I are in our early 30s, both professionals living together in the city. Currently we’re very happy with our lives, enjoy regular holidays and spontaneous trips away, socialising with friends most weeks and a lot of eating out. As much as I love our lives at the moment, I feel we’re getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we went to choose the child free life or start to put the foundations in place to have children (marriage, plus I already know I can’t have children naturally, so would have to go down the IVF route which takes time).

Part of us feels as though we don’t want to give up the freedom we have right now, yet also worry we could regret the decision not to have children 10 years down the line, where it may be much harder/almost impossible given the fertility issues I already have.

Would be interested to know, for those who took the plunge and decided to have children, would you do the same if you had the choice again?

@ExConstance

Can I give a perspective from someone who went through this years ago? I'm 65 and approaching retirement. DH and i put having children on hold for nearly 7 years after we married, we enjoyed travelling and going out a lot in those years. Several of our friends decided not to have children so the partying and concerts and other spontaneous things went on into our thirties. I did want a baby though and we had a try because I had a sneaking feeling I might not be able to have one and I wanted to get that out of the way. Totally to my surprise i got pregnant within weeks of coming off the pill - I'd been on it 18 years. We had two sons, 3 years between them and yes it is hard work, yes everything changes and I think working full time actually made it easier for me as i had work to escape to from the domestic drudgery. My experience was that 0 - 5 was really difficult. 5-11 was a doddle and great fun and that after 11 although you are basically providing a taxi service there is huge joy in sharing new books, music and life in general together. Was it worth it , oh yes, although I'm not a granny yet I now have the joy of theatre trips, long walks, sharing recipes ( they are both very keen cooks) gallery trips etc. This year I will get my liberty again when I retire. I see retirement as the opportunity to return to living as I did when I was a teenager or early 20's (though without all the awful boyfriends, just lovely DH) I've no doubt this new way of living will include lots of adventures with my sons, and DS2's delightful girlfriend. Don't just concentrate on the difficult years that are soon over, the experience of having children over a lifetime is amazing.

great post.

I think having kids mean you will have higher highs but lower lows than if you don't have kids. so it's up to you? take it easy or experience life to its fullest? it's tough and moments make you think about old life... but we did it relatively late so we'd had a great time and were already living a more relaxed, home life. and the love and bond is like nothing else.

I wouldn't have wanted kids under 35 to be honest.

In addition to what I said above I would also add that I agree completely with @Newnamefor2022 in that personal circumstances do make a huge difference.. my mum is 2 miles down the road, my fiancé WFH and is very very hands on, I’ve been lucky to be able to take 14 months maternity and have a very very chilled 10 month old.. I do feel that it would’ve been a lot harder without the support network I have around me and do feel very fortunate to have that around me

Nope. Raising my kids has been a joy. They are teens now which is far less demanding than young children but it absolutely flies by and it is amazing watching them grow from helpless newborns into fully formed people with their own personalities, thoughts and opinions. It's been a privilege and a pleasure to raise them.

Life becomes fragmented after children.

There is no task you can complete in its entirety in one go without interruption from a tiny person. It’s incredibly hard on the brain.

Anything I eat - they grab.
Anything I drink - they grab.
Anything I cook - they want to be held whilst I do it.
Any journey - they whine or cry because it’s boring.
Any shopping trip they run around and scream.
Any toilet trip - involves tiny people.

Oh yeah - and your body - definitely not your own anymore; poking, scramming, kicking, spewed on, peed on, food every crevice.

The cherry on the cake: not slept for longer than 2 hours in 2 years now.

It is absolutely relentless, they take everything from you.

I definitely think more people would be child free if they knew how grim it is/can be.

I miss being able to sleep, lie in, spend alone time with DH and just be lazy.
However I don't regret having children and would definitely make the same decision again. I had my son at 39 and my daughter at 42. They are the absolute light of my life, I love them so much, I adore being their mammy (despite crippling OND after my first). Life is so much harder but also so much better. Our family holidays and trips away have been the best times of my life.
I do think that's one of the benefits about having children later in life though (Obviously it's not for everyone this is just my experience). I feel like I did absolutely everything childfree I could have wished for, had the most amazing time and was genuinely complete and ready for a new life.

Just wanted to add something.

My brother and his partner are child free by choice. For a long time we were staring down the barrel of a childless life (two very different things)

As part of accepting our then seemingly likely childless life we started planning what that future would be like. My brother and his partner and in the middle of doing that now. They won't be getting married, they won't be having a family but everyone around them is doing those things. I think my SiL is particularly struggling with what direction she is taking now. She's happy with her decision (I think) but seems to be looking for the next project. If that makes sense.

If you do decide to not have a family or you issues mean it's not possible I think it's important to think of a mega project to help get you over the mid / late 30s hump.

DH and I had 3 child free years of marriage until recently. But in the last year, we got a dog as we felt we felt a bit empty. But I'll admit there are aspects of my child free life I miss like how simple it can be to book a holiday or go out the door lol

@TeapotCollection

I’m 50 and happily child free. I hear way more people saying they wouldn’t have kids if they could turn the clock back than those who say they’d do it all over again

Most people would feel it tactless to wax lyrical to a childless 50-year-old about how happy they are they had kids, so you’re not likely to get a representative sample.

Yes. But I wouldn't change my son for anything. Having a supportive partner helps as I went out for bottomless brunch etc last week and felt like "me"

ExConstance , what a lovely think to say and you put it perfectly.

My experience was slightly different. I got married soon after University and had my first 9 months later. Three in all and sterilized at 28. I did too many years of study and clinical training to sit at home so I hired a nanny and I went straight back to work. We also worked overseas for a number of years , complete with family so I don't feel I've missed out.

I really don't, and I'm quite young lots of my friends are childfree. However I have fantastic parents who do lots of childcare and overnights. DH is fantastic and we equally parent. I have 2 under 3 and although it's quite relentless it's easily the most rewarding thing I've ever done.

Yes and no. I think of it as just another chapter of my life, and I would definitely not have wanted to have been without it. It has taught me so much about myself, and it has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. I had kids young, both were born by the time I turned 25, and I am now 43 and I have got those childfree times back, but with the added bonus of having two young adults to share life with. It's really rewarding as I now feel like I have earnt it in a way I don't think I would have felt had I never had children in the first place.

Under no circumstances would I want to have more children now, but I really don't wish I had never had them either.

It is always going to be better to regret not having children than regret having them.

So so many woman do regret having them. You only have to read some of the threads on here to see that.

Lots of my friends say they love their children but if they could go back in time they would not have any. I am talking woman (and men) with grown up children, often grandchildren.

Also most of my friends with children are divorced (non of my childfree ones are) and, on the whole, say their relationships started going downhill when their children came along

DH and I couldn’t have kids. I regret the years and money we spent on IVF, and wish we’d embraced childfree life from the get go.

No, I don't miss it. Having a child has been tough sometimes, especially during the baby stage, but my 4yo is my little buddy and so excited about the prospect of having a baby brother or sister later this year.

If you decide you do want kids, you might want to think about the timing though. If you can afford it, I'd recommend making a bucket list of all the things you'd like to do and ticking them off over the next couple of years before having a baby. For me, I wish we'd gone on the Alaska trip we were vaguely talking about pre-DC as I've always wanted to visit Alaska but it's a long trip for a small child. Our DC is just about coming up to the age where we might attempt it, but now we're going to be (happily!) back at square one with a small baby again. So maybe think about whether there's anything you particularly want to do which would be hard with a baby or toddler.

YES. YES I DO.

I would absolutely make the same choice again, but yeah I quite often would like a day off from being a mum

For me @Mumoblue has hit the nail on the head. We have 2 young DC, no local family support and it's bloody relentless. I do long for those days when you could just do nothing. But given the choice again I'd still have had them.

Honestly the only thing I miss about parent free life is being able to literally leave the house, jump in the car and go in the space of a few seconds, nowadays it takes a lifetime and planning to get out. I'd never change becoming a parent though, I feel like it's made me and I love the relationship I have with my daughter.

And no, I wouldn't have children if I had my time over again. I love the bones of ds, he's amazing - a more amazing child than I am a mother.

@FTEngineerM

Life becomes fragmented after children.

There is no task you can complete in its entirety in one go without interruption from a tiny person. It’s incredibly hard on the brain.

Anything I eat - they grab.
Anything I drink - they grab.
Anything I cook - they want to be held whilst I do it.
Any journey - they whine or cry because it’s boring.
Any shopping trip they run around and scream.
Any toilet trip - involves tiny people.

Oh yeah - and your body - definitely not your own anymore; poking, scramming, kicking, spewed on, peed on, food every crevice.

The cherry on the cake: not slept for longer than 2 hours in 2 years now.

It is absolutely relentless, they take everything from you.

I definitely think more people would be child free if they knew how grim it is/can be.

You are talking about a really small period of time though? I have children and my life doesn't look like this and I would be very worried if it did given mine are teens now.

I have some childfree friends and they constantly talk about not wanting children, the nappies, the sleepless nights, the screaming and I'm just looking at them like , there is so so much more to having children than that very brief period.

Adore being a mum. Absolute best years of my life. Wish could have ten more.

It’s like trying to explain marriage to a single teenager tho. Lots of downsides, but being in love is pretty amazing and there is no love like the devotion of a child.

I missed my childree life deeply up until DS1 was around 2. After that, it was WONDERFUL. His personality really emerged and I had so much fun being with him - this funny, inquisitive, adorable little person that I had created. His joy brought me joy and a child's innocent zest for life is a real privilege to observe and can't be matched. He's approaching 4 now and I love him more and more each day.

I now have DS2 who's 8 months and I sometimes miss when I just had one. However, my experience tells me it's just that I don't fare very well with babies. I get on with it and do everything you're supposed to,but it's dull, relentless and almost thankless work. IMO, you really reap the rewards as they get older. It's already slowly getting easier and more rewarding with DS2.

I think some people are wary of having kids because they just focus on the newborn/toddler stage. But they aren't babies for very long and you soon get your freedom back (slowly but surely) WITH your gorgeous child/children.

My friendship group were/are very pro childfree lifestyle, so for me, having children wasn't something I felt I should do, but I always knew I wanted to.

In short, no I don't miss my childfree life, but that wasn't always the case.

Yes but teens come with their own set of problems. Problems don’t go away like magic once they get older.

I may be ever so slightly bitter (mum of teens)