Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

[calmama]

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

I think if he has very strong feelings about his hair then obviously don't force him to cut it, but make sure it's coming from him not you. Fitting in is really important to kids. Arguably just as important as 'being yourself', so don't underestimate it.

Is your son being bullied at the moment?

Having long hair on boys isn’t that unusual.

I’d perhaps have a discussion with the teacher as to why she feels it’s more appropriate that your DS cut his hair to preempt bullying rather than dealing with bullying appropriately if it happens.

I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it .

I was just going to ask, what does your son want (?) and go with that

I wouldn't worry about it until/if it actually happens.

My son has long hair and hasn't been bullied.

@hattie43

I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it .

What if they were bullied because they didn't have expensive trainers? Or they wear glasses? Ginger hair? Because their mum is fat?

How long is it? Are you tying it back properly for school/using a hairband to ensure its not in his eyes/face (as would be expected for any child with longer hair, boy or girl).

As a pp said, make sure your DS himself wants the long hair/doesn't want it cut. If it's his choice and he isnt being bullied, leave it. If it's his choice and he is being bullied talk to school about how they are handling that.

If he in fact doesnt give a shit (likely) cut it.

Nephew has always had shoulder length hair throughout primary school and has never been bullied about it. He is a keen footballer and many of his heroes have a similar hairstyle which they tie up for playing.

Tell her to read the myth of Sampson to the class and remind her that she is dangerously close to showing a side of herself that is both unappealing to parents and illegal as far as the education system’s policies are very clear about bigotry.

Bullying is not because of his hair, it's just something the bullies have latched on to. No doubt they have homophobic parents. I'd want to hear a lot more from the teacher about how she's going to tackle the bullies and a lot less about your ds being forced to conform. How about some long haired male role model pictures on the wall etc as well?

Full disclosure; ds was at a very herbivorous primary school where there were a lot of very long haired boys without the slightest issue.

That’s an odd thing for the teacher to say.

Are they saying he actually IS being bullied?
If not, then it’s a non-issue. The teacher should be talking to the class about boys and girls having equal opportunity to wear their hair how they like, play with what they like, and accept that in other people too.

If the school can’t get that message right with 5 year olds I’d be seriously unimpressed.

I'm not sure why its relevant either that he has "big blue eyes" or that his hair is curly. My DS has big brown eyes and curly hair and doesnt look remotely like a girl.

@Dearmariacountmein

Is your son being bullied at the moment?

Having long hair on boys isn’t that unusual.

I’d perhaps have a discussion with the teacher as to why she feels it’s more appropriate that your DS cut his hair to preempt bullying rather than dealing with bullying appropriately if it happens.

She hasn't suggested he is being bullied, just that she is worried he will be. But where does it end? He cuts his hair. Then he can't like rainbows and unicorns. Then he learns he has to shut off his feelings and interests because he doesn't fit the mould.

I wouldn't have thought having long hair was that unusual either. I also would have thought the teacher might take a bit of responsibility for educating the class about diversity. None of his male or female friends outside of school have bullied him because of his hair.

My son is five. Has long hair. His first week at school made a new best friend who thought he was a girl. DS corrected him. No issue at all.

Classmates thinking your son is a girl is a very very long way from being bullied.

My DS has long, curly blone hair and blue eyes too. Often mistaken for a girl, doesn't care, no issues at school at all (everyone loves his hair)

He doesn't care, I only recently persuaded him to have a couple of curls off the bottom because the ends needed tidying up!

He does have to tie it back for school now it's past his shoulders, but he prefers that to the idea of even cutting it into a bob (let alone actually short).

I'd say that if she's worried about bullying, I'd turn that back on the school - why is there bullying in the school based on haircuts for goodness sake!

Is she giving the line about bullying as an excuse? Are you tying his hair back properly etc or is it possible it's a distraction to his learning if it's in his face or he's fiddling with it.

@thebabynanny Exactly. Where does it stop? How do you become unbulliable? I would have thought it would be through being unapologetically yourself and have supportive parents and teachers who give you the confidence to be that.

What - she's worried that he MIGHT be bullied and is forcing him to conform for her own mental comfort?? What a silly woman

My son has long hair and when asked will say he’s not bullied about it. Further questions and he tells me children comment daily on why he has long hair and why doesn’t he cut it and does he want to look like a girl. So I guess he is being bullied BUT at 9 years old he tells them he likes and wants long hair and laughs at them for getting annoyed by it. Another friend of his cut his hair as bullying him was upsetting him.

The problem isn’t his hair, it’s a school that doesn’t crack down hard on bullying.

Is he actually being bullied? Or is it the teacher pushing her preferences?

My son once had a teacher who openly said to me she preferred boys over girls. A couple of parents of girls told me she treated the girls more harshly than the boys. She wasn't at the school the next year, so I think complaints had been made.

In any case, it should be your son who has to change, it should be the teacher/school that deals with any bullies.

It's always tied up in a bun. I can't see how this affects the teacher.

I can see where this is going

Should not be your son, that should say.

I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl.