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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 06:41

@milkyaqua why's that then?

phoenixrosehere · 08/04/2022 06:59

I would do anything to help my child avoid bullying. Bullying has long lasting effects and if cutting his hair made it less likely, I would.

I was bullied from primary through secondary including my last day of secondary. By your logic, my mother should have had me wearing contacts from 8 yo (needed glasses), told me to dumb myself down (good student), to be rude to people (too nice/too friendly), wear my hair differently (it was in ponytails, braids, normal girl hairstyles), speak incorrectly and curse (didn’t use bad language, told I spoke too well), be disrespectful to teachers (teachers trusted me).

Imagine where I would be if I did what bullies wanted.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 08/04/2022 07:05

I would absolutely be pushing the teacher to take this opportunity to challenge gender stereotypes. Boys can have long hair, be friends with girls, wear a pink tutu if they like (not in school If there's a uniform maybe 😀). Girls can have short hair, be friends with boys, play football etc.

DS was more friendly with girls than boys in primary school, the school were a bit rubbish about it and he ended up being the victim of some bullying as a result. He was so miserable about it, for a while he wished he was a girl because it would be easier. God knows how that would have played out these days.

Schools should be tackling gender stereotypes not reinforcing them. His hair isn't the problem, the teacher's attitude is.

mycatisannoying · 08/04/2022 07:12

@Fraaahnces

Tell her to read the myth of Sampson to the class and remind her that she is dangerously close to showing a side of herself that is both unappealing to parents and illegal as far as the education system’s policies are very clear about bigotry.
Oh please. Or it could be that she is realistic about the situation, cares for her pupil and wants to help.

OP, I wouldn't force your son to cut his hair. Not when he's opposed to the idea. I'd do it in a heartbeat if he wasn't though. And chances are, the bullies would find something else to be unkind about anyway.

milkyaqua · 08/04/2022 07:26

[quote AllThingsServeTheBeam]@milkyaqua why's that then? [/quote]
I think a man bun is obnoxious enough on a man. YMMV.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 08:06

@milkyaqua wow. Another person I hope doesn't have kids.

Lndnmummy · 08/04/2022 08:23

Personally I'd cut it but I am probably in the minority. I think long hair on boys looks unkept and untidy. Just my personal opinion obviously.

Can I ask OP and I mean this gently, but is it your son that feels strongly about not cutting it or you? Apolohiese if this has been covered already.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 08:30

@Lndnmummy

Personally I'd cut it but I am probably in the minority. I think long hair on boys looks unkept and untidy. Just my personal opinion obviously.

Can I ask OP and I mean this gently, but is it your son that feels strongly about not cutting it or you? Apolohiese if this has been covered already.

Wild thought... But maybe read the thread?!
milkyaqua · 08/04/2022 09:02

[quote AllThingsServeTheBeam]@milkyaqua wow. Another person I hope doesn't have kids. [/quote]
What a lovely sentiment.

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/04/2022 09:10

I know lots of boys and men with long hair. There are boys at dd’s school with long hair and are not bullied.

Is this teacher old fashioned? Is there a bullying culture at your son’s school?

Nomoreusernames1244 · 08/04/2022 09:16

Lndnmummy
Personally I'd cut it but I am probably in the minority. I think long hair on boys looks unkept and untidy. Just my personal opinion obviously

Out of interest do you also think long hair on girls looks unkempt and untidy?

If not, why? Does girls hair have some magical tidy gene boys doesn’t?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 09:18

@milkyaqua it is. We do not need more people out there with backwards views.

Longleggedgiraffe · 08/04/2022 09:23

To me, there are several issues here. One is that by the teacher saying getting a hair cut will solve the issue , the school is ducking its responsibility to stop bullying. Have the bullies been spoken to? If not, why not? Another (and this is purely my personal opinion) 5 is too young to be allowed to do exactly what he wants with his appearance. The fact is, long blond hair is perceived to be girlish and his peers aren’t old enough to accept that people can be different. If he was my son, I’d exert parental rights and get his hair cut, regardless. He’d get over it. But that’s me, not you.
If you want to continue to allow your DS to keep having his own way, then you need to teach him that there are people who feel threatened by people being different . You will also have to teach him to armour himself against such prejudices. And you need to speak to the school. They’re taking the easy way out here, and shouldn’t be. Tell them that, and that they need to address the cause.

Sartre · 08/04/2022 09:24

If your DS is fine with it then that’s all that matters ultimately. It should only be cut if he wants it to be, it’s his hair.

Simonjt · 08/04/2022 09:29

@milkyaqua So you think being a Sikh is obnoxious?

milkyaqua · 08/04/2022 09:34

[quote Simonjt]@milkyaqua So you think being a Sikh is obnoxious?[/quote]
Sikh's don't wear manbuns. A manbun is quite a specific thing.

ClinkeyMonkey · 08/04/2022 09:36

Unbelievable! Seriously, I can't believe that anyone would think a child should change their hair to avoid being teased or bullied. The bullies are the ones who need to change, in the event of that happening. My 13yo has long hair. It has been long, short, then long again over the years. He uses it like a curtain to avoid eye contactGrin He has been mistaken for a girl loads of times. It still happens, even though his voice has broken and he's 5ft 9"! He certainly doesn't count someone mistaking him for a girl as bullying. He finds it funny and just laughs it off.

The teacher is out of order. And out of touch.

milkyaqua · 08/04/2022 09:37

[quote AllThingsServeTheBeam]@milkyaqua it is. We do not need more people out there with backwards views. [/quote]
Backwards views...

If you want your five year old to look like a latte-sipping hipster, by all means furnish them a man bun.

Simonjt · 08/04/2022 09:38

@milkyaqua Yes we do, as a Sikh I’m quite well versed in how we wear our hair. Or do we have yet another poster who is going to attempt to explain Sikhism to a Sikh?

milkyaqua · 08/04/2022 09:42

[quote Simonjt]@milkyaqua Yes we do, as a Sikh I’m quite well versed in how we wear our hair. Or do we have yet another poster who is going to attempt to explain Sikhism to a Sikh?[/quote]
No, we have a poster who has grabbed onto an off-the-cuff little joke about tiny Tarquin and his bun, and decided to politicise it.

KateF · 08/04/2022 09:43

Some of these comments are really upsetting. Bullying is awful and it's effects can be devastating. Telling a bullied child it's their fault and they need to change themselves? Just very, very wrong. All of us who have or work with children need to be tough on bullies and supportive of the bullied, otherwise nothing will change. Eradicating bullying at any age would surely improve life for everyone and is something we can all do in a time when we often feel powerless to change things.

ParsleySageRosemary · 08/04/2022 09:44

The fact is, long blond hair is perceived to be girlish and his peers aren’t old enough to accept that people can be different.

Why is it perceived as girlish? It’s just dead cells. Vikings used to wear their hair long, if you need to have an image of male brutality associated with it.

Just what images are you associating with that long hair? What behaviours are you encouraging with it? How valuable is the emphasis on groupthink and justifications of bullying? Where does it lead? Where does any society built on emphasising male groupthink and justifying male bullying lead?

When do children become ‘old enough to accept that some are different’? How do you propose teaching them?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 08/04/2022 09:48

@milkyaqua I say again. I fucking hope to Christ you don't have kids

phoenixrosehere · 08/04/2022 09:55

If you want your five year old to look like a latte-sipping hipster, by all means furnish them a man bun.

What’s wrong with lattes? And I’m pretty sure many men that wear man-buns are not hipsters but continue to be judgemental.

Alleycat1 · 08/04/2022 09:59

Send the teacher a poster of Jason Mamoa to put up on the wall! Short hair hasn't always been the norm for men and boys and if the girls are allowed to choose their.hairstyle why not the boys?