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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:

iRun2eatCake · 06/04/2022 11:00

@TurquoiseDragon

Is he actually being bullied? Or is it the teacher pushing her preferences?

My son once had a teacher who openly said to me she preferred boys over girls. A couple of parents of girls told me she treated the girls more harshly than the boys. She wasn't at the school the next year, so I think complaints had been made.

In any case, it should be your son who has to change, it should be the teacher/school that deals with any bullies.

Had the opposite at DS1 school. Teacher openly said she preferred girls. DS1 had undiagnosed SEN at that stage and had a dreadful year

Nothappyatwork · 06/04/2022 11:02

My child bloody hates his teeth being brushed but he didn’t do it he’d bullied because he smelt so we brush his teeth.

Haircuts are just one of those things that we do.

Malibuismysecrethome · 06/04/2022 11:03

I would also like to know why she thinks he will be bullied and what she intends to do about it? Seems like a bigger problem than your son’s hair.

Gonnagetgoing · 06/04/2022 11:03

Hmm I’m unsure here. My DNephew is 3.5 and had long hair (past his shoulders). His dad recently cut it to a bob jaw length style mostly as it got tangled easily, he hates having it washed and brushed etc. He was and still is mistaken for a girl but his nursery wouldn’t allow bullying.

I think it’s the school’s issue not your son’s looks but on one hand if your son is in agreement with the cut I can’t see what difference it’d make as hair grows.

CounsellorTroi · 06/04/2022 11:04

I wonder if the teacher would have told a girl's parents to grow her short hair because she might be bullied for looking like a boy?

me4real · 06/04/2022 11:04

I was bullied and I would do anything to try and stop any child of mine being bullied, including making sure they don't look or act markedly different to most other children.

SecondhandTable · 06/04/2022 11:04

Unfortunately I can believe this happened, as sad as it is. My DD is nearly 4 and has very short hair. She is often mistaken for a boy by other adults and kids and we've had a lot of negative comments from people about her hair. It really pisses me off, we basically have heard everything you've got on this thread about her hair too. The fact of the matter is that my DD likes her short hair and she wants to keep it like that. Every time it starts to grow a little such that it's encroaching on her face as I ask her if she'd like to leave it to grow and wear hair clips or bobbles or hairbands to keep it off her face, or cut it again. She chooses that she wants it cut. Why would I force her to be unhappy by forcing her grow her hair out and force her to wear clips or bobbles just to conform to stupid stereotypes?! Let your boy be, definitely don't get it cut if he doesn't want to. I would also challenge the teacher about this, such a ridiculous attitude.

QuinkWashable · 06/04/2022 11:04

But my DS/OP's ds have 'a haircut'

we're not suggesting they go in like stig of the dump

This isn't North Korea, there aren't a set of acceptable haircuts for christ's sake!

Gonnagetgoing · 06/04/2022 11:05

Just seen your son doesn’t want his hair cut. Then don’t do it! And shut the conversations around it down.

Jannt86 · 06/04/2022 11:05

@Nothappyatwork

My child bloody hates his teeth being brushed but he didn’t do it he’d bullied because he smelt so we brush his teeth. Haircuts are just one of those things that we do.

This is a bollocks analogy. I make my daughter brush her teeth so that she doesn't get tooth decay but if she wanted to cut her hair or wear boys clothes I wouldn't ever stop her because it's not hurting anyone or affecting her health. Massive difference

PlainJaneEyre · 06/04/2022 11:05

@calmama

It sounds like you don't have the mental capacity *@PlainJaneEyre*. Bore off and stop baiting me.

I am not baiting you. I am giving my opinion on your question which asked if this was crazy. I said you have two choices - keep the hair and you have to go with the flow. Yes school will have to say x has long hair and no bullying /we all look different or you cut it. I do not believe that 5 year olds have the capacity to know what is good for them or not.

You are very rude to judge my mental capacity because my opinion is different from yours. Your anger is with the school.

Nothappyatwork · 06/04/2022 11:08

@Jannt86 The child wouldn’t have the foresight to think long term I’m going to get tooth decay I’m going to be in pain therefore I need to brush my teeth so we’re just looking short-term here you will have smelly breath people take the piss out of you so we’re going to brush our teeth.
Whether appearance that doesn’t conform does the child any harm or not, i’m sure there’s masses of research that has been done which would support both arguments, for me I just want my children to have the path of least resistance especially when they’re that small.

Calennig · 06/04/2022 11:08

I found primary school, our children went to two, really bad for gender expectations.

I would take it back to them and ask how they are dealing with any bullying.

Long hair on boys isn''t odd - mind you I grew up near a large Sikh population so boys with top knots were unremarkable in my childhood.

DomesticatedZombie · 06/04/2022 11:09

@Nothappyatwork

My child bloody hates his teeth being brushed but he didn’t do it he’d bullied because he smelt so we brush his teeth. Haircuts are just one of those things that we do.

Brushing your teeth is basic personal hygiene.

Hairstyles are a matter of personal choice.

And of course absolutely nothing to do with your DS' teacher, OP. I'm really taken aback it would even be mentioned. She's on rather dangerous ground. Sounds like rank sexism parading as faux 'concern'.

PriestessofPing · 06/04/2022 11:10

There’s plenty of boys with long hair at my sons school. Secondary age. No one cares. I don’t get why this teacher thinks this way, seems very behind the times.

MedusasBadHairDay · 06/04/2022 11:11

@Nothappyatwork

My child bloody hates his teeth being brushed but he didn’t do it he’d bullied because he smelt so we brush his teeth. Haircuts are just one of those things that we do.

Wait, you get your kids to brush their teeth to avoid bullying? I get my kids to brush their teeth because oral health is important. Having long hair doesn't cause health issues down the line, so hardly comparable.

Briony123 · 06/04/2022 11:11

Little children don't know it's 2022 and that everyone should be accepted for who they are. Little children will do what little children do regardless of the current mantra.

Nothappyatwork · 06/04/2022 11:11

I think it also makes an enormous difference as to what kind of environment youre in, we live in quite an arty village where a lot of people have a bohemian look, if we crossed the water into the major city people of been stabbed for less than a haircut.

Iamkmackered1979 · 06/04/2022 11:12

The majority of the boys in my sons class at school just now have long hair no one is bullied. My son has crazy thick hair which is not at all suited to being long, however it was very curly as a baby/toddler but absolutely suits it short now and is the minority in his class. If he’s not being bullied then leave his hair alone. The teacher sounds odd why would anyone say that about a 5 year old!!! She’s the teacher she should be teaching kids to accept each other and watching out for kids who might be unkind. As a parent I made sure my kids knew they can come to me if they needed to, we could talk about anything. Not just lop their hair off in case they got bullied:

I’m my case I had very sticky out teeth, I couldn’t just yank them out etc I eventually got braces but not until I was later teens. So I was bullied relentlessly. Teachers turned a blind eye, this was in the 80’s. But lopping off his hair just teaches him the totally wrong message imo

Beeheart · 06/04/2022 11:12

Completely unfair and shouldn’t have been suggested.
At such a young age especially, instead of suggesting your child changes to avoid bullying teachers should be promoting diversity and awareness that everyone is different and that that is ok. This is easily done through story time or circle time. Bullying should be dealt with, and to admit that a child should change as opposed to school dealing with bullying is unacceptable.

ChateauMargaux · 06/04/2022 11:14

@IceVolcanoes... why tread gently? Because I would be tempted to jump in with my two big feet, leaping to conclusions, citing guidance and studies etc etc whereas treading gently, pointing out the unconscious gender bias of the statement and the potential harms associated with such actions might be more effective. (Though I do not always listen to my own advice....)

MedusasBadHairDay · 06/04/2022 11:14

@me4real

I was bullied and I would do anything to try and stop any child of mine being bullied, including making sure they don't look or act markedly different to most other children.

I was bullied too. For being short. What would you recommend my parents did about that?

Chestnutpony · 06/04/2022 11:15

Long hair is very in for boys in my son's primary school. It's a bit 1970s.

Nothappyatwork · 06/04/2022 11:16

@MedusasBadHairDay Think it’s fair to say the parents control what they can control wouldn’t you ?

incognitoforthisone · 06/04/2022 11:17

Boys can have long hair. Girls can have short hair. There is nothing inappropriate about either of those things.

The teacher needs to stop being so fucking weird about it, and so do a lot of the people on this thread. Would you tell a little girl with short hair that she had to grow her hair long, too? Long hair on boys isn't even that unusual. In some religions it's compulsory.

If kids are bullying a boy for his haircut, the thing to do is give those kids a lesson on why we don't bully people for how they look and that girls and boys don't have to be stereotypes, not to give the bullied kid a haircut he doesn't want.

Is the teacher going to suggest that Sikh boys get their hair cut too? How about Jewish boys - are they meant to take their yarmulke off if someone bullies them for that?

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