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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
Gowithme · 06/04/2022 10:04

If your son doesn't want to get his hair cut then he doesn't want to and to get it cut just in case of bullying is crazy.
Surely the teacher should be putting a stop to these gender stereotypes and misunderstandings. As well as being clear about it in the moment I'm sure it could be covered during PSHE if it is the big issue she seems to be suggesting.
I'm shocked that a teacher would suggest that if someone is being bullied, that they are the one that needs to change.

Fraaahnces · 06/04/2022 10:04

It’s not about your child being bullied, because it’s not happening. This is about the teacher’s opinion that your DS’s long hair is inappropriate. She’s not brave enough to say it, so she’s hiding behind the bullying thing. My guess is severe homophobia. She believes that this can be discouraged or something. Idiot woman.

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2022 10:06

Bloody hell @Viviennemary. Really? God men's lives can be so constrained by this homophobic crap. Why shouldn't a boy enjoy having long hair if he likes it? Men often lose their hair, why not revel in it while they can.

dogsonrollerskates · 06/04/2022 10:06

I had a very similar issue with DS in primary school. He had (and still has) long, blonde, curly hair and really did not want to have it cut shorter. This was definitely his choice (shorter hair would have made brushing it etc easier for me!) and he got really upset if it was suggested that he should have short hair.

Several of his primary school teachers (including the head) took me to one side to suggest cutting it to avoid bullying. When I told them that he really liked his hair as it was the Head queried whether perhaps he had issues with his gender identity- ffs, he is just a boy who likes long hair.

He did have a few situations where some of the other boys called him a girl etc. I think some of the teachers just had ideas about what is 'sensible' for a boy and for others it was easier to ask him to cut his hair that address the bullying behaviour.

My view was/is that if teaching him that he needs to do something that he is not comfortable with, and finds upsetting, in order to fit in with the other boys is pretty harmful. Probably more harmful than the name-calling.

He is now a teenage boy with the same long hair. Lots of the other boys are growing their hair longer now.

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:06

@OfstedOffred Not sure why you think it's "likely" he doesn't give a shit. I've said he has been pressed many times to cut it and is adamant he doesn't want to. His hair is tied back fine. And I mention his eyes and curls because people always use that as a justification for thinking he's a girl. I have no idea how they make that connection.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 10:08

I’m very surprised that a teacher would say that.
Boys with long hair are ten a penny.

Squeakerfoot · 06/04/2022 10:10

Lots of boys have long hair. It sounds like it's the teacher who is uncomfortable with it. If there's bullying, the bullying should be addressed rather than making a child conform to solve it. If small children are fixated on rigid gender roles, schools should be encouraging inclusivity.

If there's no bullying happening I don't understand why any of this was being discussed. Was the teacher suggesting a haircut as a preventative measure against theoretical future teasing? This would bother me too.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 06/04/2022 10:11

My ds 7 has a mun. It won't be going at anyone's suggestion.. Unless he wants it off..
Ask what their bullying policy is...

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:11

@Gowithme Exactly. And I think forcing him to do it to fit a stereotype is actually very dangerous. It basically sends him the message from a very early age that even something as minor as hair length must be conformed to. I actually can't believe it.

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 06/04/2022 10:11

@Viviennemary

I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl.
Where does the OP say she is ‘happy’ for her DS to be mistaken for a boy?

She doesn’t care that he is mistaken for a boy - significant difference.

And why should she care? Being mistaken for a girl isn’t going to cause the sky to fall on anyone’s head.

Smidgy · 06/04/2022 10:12

If he's not being bullied about his hair then I'm not sure why the teacher would even mention this tbh. It's a weird thing to bring up. If your son wants his hair long then I agree with you, and would go with what he wants. It's so frustrating that what kids like is under so much scrutiny, particularly boys liking stereotypically "feminine" things.

NurseBernard · 06/04/2022 10:13
  • mistaken for a girl…
Thehundredthnamechange · 06/04/2022 10:14

I would cut my son's hair to avoid his being bullied. Is it fair? No. But neither is life.

LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana · 06/04/2022 10:15

Teacher needs to talk to the class about difference,how everyone likes to dress in their own way,wear their hair however they want and discourage bullying. Don't like the way this teacher is basically victim blaming. I'd take this further.😡

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:15

@Viviennemary

I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl.
Wow.
  1. He HAS "really objected" to cutting it.
  2. I never said I was "happy" about him being mistaken for a girl. I usually correct people. I was mistaken for a boy at times when I had short hair. It didn't occur to me to care.
  3. Are boys only to have short hair and girls only to have long hair? Really?
OP posts:
Bellex · 06/04/2022 10:16

My brother was similar at your sons age. Full fringe, to his shoulders with little ringlets at the end and it was also very blonde. He was a very pretty child but would wear hulk costumes and other more male oriented clothing. People would tell my mum how pretty she was and as he got older he’s correct them.

My parents decided to let him cut his hair when he wanted. He’s 22 now and my mum is still devastated about it. My dad does have long hair (past his shoulders)

Surely the teacher should do her job and manage any potential bully that will happen.

More and more men have long hair these days, it was tabo when I was younger and people would also ask me why my dad had long hair, a lot of those people now have long hair themselves 🤷🏼‍♀️

SlashBeef · 06/04/2022 10:17

We are cutting DS2 hair over this Easter holidays. He is 4 and fed up of a boy at preschool repeatedly calling him a girl. His long hair is cute and both he and I like it but it's not a hill I'm willing to die on just to prove a point. Kids are mean, life ain't fair. It's always been that way and I'm not going to use my kid to change that.

hiredandsqueak · 06/04/2022 10:18

Dgs has long (for a boy) curly hair. Funnily enough it's always adults that presume he is a girl but at preschool his classmates never thought he wasn't a boy. I think the school and the teacher should ensure there is a rigourous anti bullying policy in place should there be a need to refer to it but the choice as to whether to cut his hair should be your son's as it is dgs's.

IceVolcanoes · 06/04/2022 10:19

I’d be distinctly unimpressed at a teacher telling me that my 5 year old needs to cut his hair and like more stereotypical things to avoid bullying. It’s just… wrong in so many ways.

How did you respond to her?

I mean, I am that parent who would absolutely have impressed upon the teacher that it is her job to ensure bullying doesn’t happen in her class. You don’t achieve that by insisting on soviet style conformity. Or by insisting the kids who might be bullied change. You achieve it by teaching in such a way to create a positive and accepting atmosphere generally, and by intervening to help children who might bully others to behave more appropriately.

And then I might have suggested to the HT that there might be a training need there as clearly there’s an issue with bullying and the approach taken to tackling it in school.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 06/04/2022 10:19

I agree OP. 2022 and I've had children cry on me and feel insulted for being called 'gay'. It should just be a simple 'I'm not actually', no mortification and everyone moves on. What if someone in your class was gay and heard it dolled out as an insult? It's just one aspect of being a human.

I do have a book on bullying that says sometimes it is easiest to remove differences to help deflect bullying. While it doesn't condone bullying at all, of course, it is quite honest about practical ways to deal with it. However, unless something happens that makes your DS want to change things, I'd ignore the teacher.

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:20

@TurquoiseDragon Jesus. That's awful. My mother says that too. I have two brothers. Wine

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 06/04/2022 10:20

@SlashBeef

We are cutting DS2 hair over this Easter holidays. He is 4 and fed up of a boy at preschool repeatedly calling him a girl. His long hair is cute and both he and I like it but it's not a hill I'm willing to die on just to prove a point. Kids are mean, life ain't fair. It's always been that way and I'm not going to use my kid to change that.
But surely that just reinforces the point that you, as a parent, should be guided by your child and their preferences.

The OP’s child isn’t being bullied, and doesn’t want to cut his hair.

Phormiumjester2 · 06/04/2022 10:20

Some of the "coolest and most popular" kids in DSs class at primary have long hair. And have done since reception, now in Y5. It's not a bullying trigger - bullies are the problem in bullying.

DS did too but we got it cut when he asked.

Blossomtoes · 06/04/2022 10:20

@Thehundredthnamechange

I would cut my son's hair to avoid his being bullied. Is it fair? No. But neither is life.
And what would you do if he was bullied about something you couldn’t change? Giving in to bullies just enables them. The answer is to stop bullying.
IceVolcanoes · 06/04/2022 10:21

Why does it matter if he’s mistaken for a girl? Is there something wrong with being a girl?

I was mistaken for a boy throughout my childhood. I thought it was hilarious.