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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
DietrichandDiMaggio · 06/04/2022 11:18

@FlyingPandas

Several of my 17yo's friends have had long hair (way down past their shoulders) for as long as I can remember and have never had issues. They have always wanted long hair and if anyone comments they just say they like having long hair.

As long as it's your DS's choice, OP (which is absolutely sounds like it is), then he should be allowed to keep it long.

The only thing with boys and long hair that can be a bit disconcerting is when it's clearly the mother's preference (i.e. I've read comments on here from mothers saying they 'simply couldn't bear' to cut their boy's 'delicious curls' because they were 'so beautiful and luxuriant' etc etc which always feels a bit icky) rather than the boy's. If it's the boy himself who loves having long hair then everyone else should crack on and leave them be.

As long as hair is tied back, as long as they look neat and tidy and their hair is not falling into their eyes or causing a distraction (i.e. constant fiddling with hair when they should be getting on with their work for example) then fine.

Kids will be nasty to other kids at times for any number of reasons and it's up to parents and teachers to model tolerance and kindness and to reiterate that everyone is an individual and should be accepted for who they are.

I agree with your comment about it often being the mother's preference, because the child never decided to grow their hair in the first place, unlike a teenager who actively chooses to do so. I think some parents think it makes them look cool, or something, but as previously mentioned, it's not really that unusual these days. I think it's more remarkable to see a girl with short hair in primary school, than a boy with hair past his shoulders these days.
MedusasBadHairDay · 06/04/2022 11:18

[quote Nothappyatwork]@MedusasBadHairDay Think it’s fair to say the parents control what they can control wouldn’t you ?[/quote]
Just checking where the line is. So bullies get to call the shots on hair length? But can't for height? What about hair colours? Skin colours? Where's the cut off?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 06/04/2022 11:19

but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype

It’s hair, it’s not ‘who he is’. It’ll grow back if it’s cut.

Regardless, if it’s not an issue then why bother?

Jannt86 · 06/04/2022 11:20

It's all very well saying basically that bullying is horrible and that we should do anything we can to help them avoid that. However, in basically forcing a child to conform you're reinforcing that train og thought that a person who doesn't conform is less of a human being and 'deserves to be bullied' and you're therefore part of the problem. I Think if we spent less time projecting our own predjudice and gender stereotypes onto kids and more time allowing them to have freedom of expression then we'd have many more kids who are happy, well adjusted and ultimately not confused/consumed by gender identity/sexuality

Dentistlakes · 06/04/2022 11:21

Kids bully others for lots of reasons. If they can’t see something obvious they’ll make something up. You can mitigate the risk which is what I assume the teacher is getting at, but you can’t eradicate it. Generally bullies go for an easy target; kids who are kind and sensitive and won’t push back. It could be the teacher thinks your DS fits this brief and wants to limit the chances of him becoming a target.

If he were my son I’d see how he feels about cutting is hair. If he’s not keen then I wouldn’t force him.

Clymene · 06/04/2022 11:21

@Goldbar

Tell her that if your son is actually bullied, you have the utmost confidence that she will do her job and put a stop to it.
Yes, say this.

My son is 15. Several of his male friends have long hair and have had since they were young. Their decision and none of them are bullied for it.

Boys can have their hair cut however they like within the school rules as can girls.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 06/04/2022 11:21

I can easily believe it. A teaching assistant told me that 6 year old DS maybe shouldn't wear nail varnish at school (it was one time, wonky kids-style polish he'd wanted when his sister was having some on) because some of the children had commented on it. It wasn't a school rules issue.

As it happens he didn't want to wear it again anyway, but I wouldn't have stopped him just to keep the narrow-minded children of narrow-minded parents happy.

It's really sad to think that his sister could have blue nails but he couldn't, because people didn't like it. Just as it's sad to think the OP's DS can't have long hair when the girls in his school are free to.

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 11:22

@hattie43

I would do anything to stop my child being bullied . If that means shorter hair so be it .
but if you are making him have it cut against his will, isn't that bullying too? And why should he, the (potential) victim, have to change?
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/04/2022 11:23

My brother had long hair growing up, he didn't get it cut off until he was mid teenager. People (adults) thought he was a girl but he laughed it off, he was never bullied, in fact he was a really popular child and then one day just decided he wanted short hair. It was never a problem for him.

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 06/04/2022 11:23

Is he your youngest?

LindaEllen · 06/04/2022 11:24

It's weird that she's pre-empting the bullying in the first place - but it's nothing more than victim blaming. A kid gets bullied for long hair, they have to cut their hair? No, the bullies need sorting out, and they have to be made to realise that they cannot behave like that.

The school need to be up to sorting bullying actively, rather than making the victim change to fit the mould.

Take your son's lead on this. When you next take him for his hair cut, ask what he would like them to do, or how long he would like it to be. It's his hair.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 06/04/2022 11:25

We had the same. DS (9) has waist length wave hair and got a lot of grief from other kids when he was around 5/6. But he refused to have his hair cut. Now the other kids have got over it and the comments have stopped. I'm glad we didn't bow to the pressure at the time.

Mumoblue · 06/04/2022 11:25

YANBU. Tell her that since he isn’t being bullied, she should refrain from making unsolicited comments on his appearance- and that if he WAS bullied, you’d hope her automatic suggestion wouldn’t be to change himself.
I’d be fuming. He likes having long hair. I had a “boys haircut” at a young age and nobody said a thing. Kids learn this shit from adults, so she should be setting a better example.

Caiti19 · 06/04/2022 11:25

"the other kids at school think he's a girl"

I find this hard to believe. Surely the kids learned by day 2 that your son is a boy with long hair. The teacher is projecting her own hang ups. It's amazing the reaction long hair on a boy can evoke in people. What are they scared of?

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 11:25

@Briony123

Little children don't know it's 2022 and that everyone should be accepted for who they are. Little children will do what little children do regardless of the current mantra.
Little children will do what they can get away with. Its up to parents and teachers to teach them that they can't get away witl bullying.
Mummyjlr120 · 06/04/2022 11:26

My little boy got curly long hair and he’s 3 no way will I be cutting it in till he wants it cut himself, and people always say he’s too pretty to be a boy don’t change it because someone else wants you too :) x

Atnaforange · 06/04/2022 11:27

@me4real are we not better off teaching our kids resilience rather than trying to make them "not stick out in any way"? Talk about chipping away at a childs personality... and you cannot avoid being bullied the little dragged up scrotes that bully other kids will always find something to pick on them about.
If someone mistakes him for a girl that's not a slur he can just correct them "I'm a boy" and they can both move on with their day.
I think it's absolutely flabbergasting to see so many people giving the advice that a child should change them selves in order to avoid some bullying that may or may not happen.
Some kids are bullied for only having one parent, or for being poor, or for having a birth mark..... they can't change those things. At least if you show them to be proud of who they are and that they don't have to change for anyone then they will build up the resilience to fight back with the bullies.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 06/04/2022 11:28

The teacher needs to get off her arse and address the bullying (or potential bullying) in her classroom, not victim blame a child for doing something to invite it.

Whether it’s long hair, the wrong trainers, big ears, whatever.

it is always the bullies that are wrong, never the bullied

Fix it by sorting out the bullies.

godmum56 · 06/04/2022 11:29

@Viviennemary

I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl.
why would you care if he is mistaken for a girl if the child doesn't? His hair his choice provided he is okay with the care it needs
IamAporcupine · 06/04/2022 11:29

@Viviennemary

I would cut his hair unless he really objects to it. Why would you be happy about him being mistaken for a girl. He isn't a girl.
my son was (is) always mistaken for a girl - what should I do? cover the freckles? cut his long eyelashes?
Caiti19 · 06/04/2022 11:30

P.S. my son's closest class friendships in first 2 years of school were girls. The teacher raised this point with me at the parent teacher meeting - said she'd like to see him have a "boy buddy". Thought it was weird.

IceVolcanoes · 06/04/2022 11:30

@me4real

I was bullied and I would do anything to try and stop any child of mine being bullied, including making sure they don't look or act markedly different to most other children.
That won’t ‘save’ them… but it will teach them to be nervous and desperate to fit in (which might even increase the likelihood they’ll be targeted by bullies).

Because bullying is not about having ginger hair or liking the wrong thing. That’s all just a pretext for being horrible. The problem is being awful to other people.

There is no way to tread on eggshells sufficiently to avoid being bullied. Nor does having thick glasses or whatever you think causes bullying mean a kid will be bullied.

LeftieLucy · 06/04/2022 11:30

I’ve spent many hours French plaiting my 17yo son and his friends hair over the years. Long hair on boys is not a big deal anymore, and is definitely not a ‘new’ thing.

Also, Mullets are in! 3 of 7 of my sons friend group have them in various lengths!

FlipFlops4Me · 06/04/2022 11:31

I left the choice entirely to my son. He left his hair long from about 10 years old but took up karate. He also took up guitar and by 18 was a long haired heavy rock band guitarist. Now, he has neatly tied back long hair and teaches guitar in primary schools during the day and still gigs by night.

He never got bullied - the girls fancied him and the other lads envied him the guitar, the karate and the freedom.

AmyDudley · 06/04/2022 11:31

Good grief there are some mad answers on this thread - he's five.He's learning all about the world everything is exciting and new and there are so many thing for him to experience, Why on earth is a teacher worried about his hair for goodness sake. Let him have his hair how he wants OP, lots of boys have long hair, if people think he's a girl then he can just correct them.
My DD was always being mistaken for a boy - she had very very little hair until she was about 6 - what would the teacher have suggested ? That she wear a wig ? If people asked if she was a boy she just said ' no I'm a girl'. The idea that sex is designated by hair length is bizarre - and it will be a learning point for other children that hair length is not a factor that distinguishes boys and girls, or any other stereotypes.