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Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
EliyanahM · 08/04/2022 10:02

@milkyaqua
Oh look, a Katie Hopkins wannabe.

NewbieDivergent · 08/04/2022 10:03

I'm having this from the opposite side,my daughter wanted a typically boy haircut,I was devastated as she had hair down her back,it took 3 visits and 2 different hair dressers to get what she wanted as they kept refusing to go so drastic.She absolutely loves it and doesn't care that she's mistaken for a boy ALL the time.I did warn her that she may get bullied about it but it didnt put her off,shes 9 and fingers crossed nothing negative so far and shes had the hairstyle about 6 weeks about to be recut.
You are totally right to let your son have his hair as he chooses.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 08/04/2022 10:09

I'm having this from the opposite side,my daughter wanted a typically boy haircut,I was devastated as she had hair down her back

Why were you devastated?

What is so awful about a girl wanting a haircut?

Thatsplentyjack · 08/04/2022 10:11

If your son doesn't want to cut his then don't make him.

Unfortunately being 2022 doesn't stop children bullying (or adults) and Unfortunately there will always be bullies.

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/04/2022 10:23

@KateF You are very right. “All of us who have or work with children need to be tough on bullies and supportive of the bullied, otherwise nothing will change.”

Victim blaming only reinforces the idea, that bullies have, that they are justified in their behaviour. This conditions them into continuing their bullying behaviour. We need to be sending a consistent message that bullying is not justified or socially acceptable.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 08/04/2022 10:25

his peers aren’t old enough to accept that people can be different.

Absolute tommy rot. My niblings (ages 4-8) have always known my DS2 to have long hair, even when he had it cut it was past his ears. Other than asking me if he was really a boy a couple of times they've all learnt that boys can have long hair and be boys. They also know girls can have short hair as one of our female relatives does.

They are the perfect age to learn about different people because they aren't old enough for prejudice and stereotypes to have set in.

ClinkeyMonkey · 08/04/2022 11:17

@Nomoreusernames1244

I'm having this from the opposite side,my daughter wanted a typically boy haircut,I was devastated as she had hair down her back

Why were you devastated?

What is so awful about a girl wanting a haircut?

Oh come on with the faux amazement. Long hair has always been a talking point. Beautiful hair more so. My son's hair is fabulous - black, shiny, wavy ... and long. I will be quite sad if/when he has it cut (I'm sure I'll get over it thoughWink) I know that most of the fuss is around girls' long hair, but surely that's because more of them have it.

Desert76 · 08/04/2022 11:39

It’s a funny thing for the teacher to say.

It’s possible she has observed DS appear sad when asked if he is a girl by other children.
DS might even have expressed this to her in some way.

It’s possible for the DS to want to fit in/look like the other boys/wish everyone stopped thinking he was a girl and still not want to cut his hair, they aren’t mutually exclusive.

My dd has sometimes expressed sadness that her friends get to wear pretty earrings and she doesn’t. She is nonetheless adamant that she doesn’t want to have her ears pierced.

In the op’s position, I would want to explore with DS how he feels if other children think he is a girl.

I’d also want to reassure myself that his hairstyle is an active choice. Does he want his hair to be that exact length vs is he nervous about scissors flashing about round his head and that it will hurt, vs he doesn’t want to go to the hairdressers because he wants to stay at home and play with Lego.

My dc are free to choose their hair style, but they know occasional trips to the hairdresser have to be done. They can choose whether to just have a trim or complete restyle - (usually about every third trip they choose something more radical).

I would tell DS that everyone has to go to the hairdresser to keep their hair healthy, but he can choose how he wants it to look and that’s up to him.

phlebasconsidered · 08/04/2022 12:05

Half the boys in my class have long hair. What gets my goat is the amount of them that still can't put it up for PE by themselves when the girls can. Or how many are sent in flowing freely despite school rules saying it has to be tied back (for good reason- it gets in their way, hides their faces and is a nightmare in PE and football). However, a round of headlice will soon sort that out. They usually pop up round about Easter. Long hair isn't practical for any child in primary really. You only have to see them at playtimes or faffing with it to get it out of the way to write etc to see that. Unless it's PROPERLY out of the way. And the wispy footballer man buns seem to only stay in for 5 minutes- i am always having to redo them. Bloody plait it!

Nomoreusernames1244 · 08/04/2022 12:16

Oh come on with the faux amazement. Long hair has always been a talking point. Beautiful hair more so. My son's hair is fabulous - black, shiny, wavy ... and long

It’s not faux amazement Hmm. Genuine question.

I know long hair on females seems to be held up as a beacon of beauty, but irl it takes a shit ton of time and effort to look fabulous. Unless you are like your son, lucky enough to have naturally bouncy, shiny hair, a fantastic afro, or daily access to a hairdresser, long hair isn’t that great.

Most little girls I know who have long, straight, fine hair, it just looks flat and often ratty. I don’t understand the attachment soley on the basis it’s long. Long hair does not equal beautiful hair.

wentworthinmate · 08/04/2022 13:34

If he wants it long, leave it. Cross the bullying bridge when and if it occurs.

Mummabear89 · 08/04/2022 14:57

My little boy had lovely longish curly hair. People also thought he was a girl at times. Then sadly he got the lice from another child at pre-school, we treated them with the super expensive stuff, within a week they were back and he asked to get it cut off, then cried when it was cut. He was 3 or 4 at the time. Then just before Christmas 2021 he asked to go to the barbers for a proper hair cut and loved it.
Honestly just do what's best for your child. My eldest son is proof that if you tell a child to stop being a girl (his dad's words not mine) then they end up miserable and unable to express themselves properly

Titsflyingsouth · 08/04/2022 15:09

Surely the school have a responsibility to foster an environment where kids are accepting of other's differences.

Telling your kid he must have short hair to avoid being bullied is a weird victim-blaming approach imo.

Goldbar · 08/04/2022 15:15

@phlebasconsidered

Half the boys in my class have long hair. What gets my goat is the amount of them that still can't put it up for PE by themselves when the girls can. Or how many are sent in flowing freely despite school rules saying it has to be tied back (for good reason- it gets in their way, hides their faces and is a nightmare in PE and football). However, a round of headlice will soon sort that out. They usually pop up round about Easter. Long hair isn't practical for any child in primary really. You only have to see them at playtimes or faffing with it to get it out of the way to write etc to see that. Unless it's PROPERLY out of the way. And the wispy footballer man buns seem to only stay in for 5 minutes- i am always having to redo them. Bloody plait it!
I agree on the plaiting. I have no views either way on long hair for boys or girls, but if they are going to have it long, they need to be able to tie it back properly and keep it out the way. The easiest way to keep long hair tidy on little children (girls and boys) is to plait it firmly. Ponytails and buns are always coming loose.
Catscatsandmorecats · 09/04/2022 08:25

If he want stop keep his long hair, let him keep it. I would echo PPs and question the teacher on what the bullying policy is and how they deal with people being bullied about differences and how they are teaching about equality and diversity.

My nearly 8 year old son has long curly hair, it is tied back when it needs to be, and he loves his hair, as do most other people. I wouldn't encourage him to cut it to fit in, he's not really a kid that likes to fit in and he's happy with that. He doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks about his hair or his clothes.

Younger DS (4) has hair that is starting to curl and grow, he's not as keen so we'll take him to get it cut. His best friend has long straight hair and he loves his brother's long hair, it's just not for him.

This thread and another I have seen this week have really opened my eyes and shocked me a bit as to how judgemental people are about boys with long (especially curly) hair. So many preconceptions!

Thankfully that is not the experience we've had in real life. Hopefully others real life experiences on this thread will help your DH see cutting it isn't necessary unless your DS makes that decision at some point.

PUGMEISTER21 · 09/04/2022 09:15

He sounds like a total legend with those traits and I wouldn't change a thing. As someone else said he could be bullied for anything. At this age you have the opportunity to shape how he reacts and teach him to stand up for himself without being agressive, this will put him in good stead for dealing with it.

Mollymoostoo · 09/04/2022 18:15

@Dearmariacountmein

Is your son being bullied at the moment?

Having long hair on boys isn’t that unusual.

I’d perhaps have a discussion with the teacher as to why she feels it’s more appropriate that your DS cut his hair to preempt bullying rather than dealing with bullying appropriately if it happens.

This. At my DD's school there are quite a few boys with long hair and noone calls them girls. I think the teacher is imposing their own view. Unless there is a uniform policy that states short hair, it is up to the school to deal with bullies and not to make your child fit in.
MammaMacgill87 · 12/04/2022 20:19

My son aged four had very long hair,.it was always tied up a'la man bun. Very obviously a boy re clothes etc, it was a non issues, every 6 months I offered him a hair cut he refused he liked it long. Then all of a sudden last month he wanted it short so I cut it. Bullying is neither here nor there, listen to your child it's only hair and a fairly good starting point for autonomy, but please make sure it cared for properly and tied back for play etc As for the teacher I'd be politely telling them they'de overstepped their boundaries and my child would be looking the way they liked. And dad, well he has an equal say but neither of your views trump that of whose hair it actually is 🤷🏻‍♀️

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