Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

[calmama]

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

I would be really unhappy with this. I’d suggest she did her bloody job and prevented bullying at school not make your son conform to placate potential bullies. As long as his hair isn’t hindering his learning in any way then it’s none of her business

sparepantsandtoothbrush

There's no way a teacher told you to cut your son's hair just in case he's bullied

I agree..

I’d perhaps have a discussion with the teacher as to why she feels it’s more appropriate that your DS cut his hair to preempt bullying rather than dealing with bullying appropriately if it happens

this

This sort of gender stereotyping needs to stop. We wouldn't have a load of men saying they must be women because they want to wear make-up and dresses if we stopped gender stereotyping.

There's no way a teacher told you to cut your son's hair just in case he's bullied

It seems quite believable to me. Why do you doubt what the OP has written?

@PlainJaneEyre

He's 5 years old - do you let him do everything that HE wants? It's time for you to tell him it's time for a big boy's haircut or you just let him keep it long. You cannot police everyone's thoughts though regardless of policies, legislations etc. I don't agree that many boys have long hair - that's not what I see coming out of both the private and state school near me.

‘A big boy’s haircut’. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Jesus wept.

If there's no bullying happening then I'd be telling the teacher that your son does not wish to have his hair cut. Ask her how does the curriculum support teaching children about diversity and not stereotyping.

I'm not sure why some posters are trying to trip me up by saying they can't believe this has actually happened. I definitely can't believe it has happened but why would I make this up? For shits and giggles?

Or about ME not wanting to cut it, when I've clearly said it's HE who doesn't want to cut it.

Or the old "do you let him do whatever he wants to do" crap. My husband pulled that crap on me just now too. Asking if I would let him smoke a joint too if he wanted to. It's bloody hair! He's not jumping off a cliff, vandalising property or carjacking. If kids can't have any say at all in how they express themselves then we end up with a world full of repressed lemmings.

What decade are we living in?I remember taunts about David Beckham being girly for having long hair back when I was in primary and that was nearly 30 years ago! I imagine my great grandparents would have said the same about the Beatles in the late 60s!

If he doesn't want to cut his hair and isn't actually being bullied for it at the moment it would be ridiculous create a problem to solve a problem that doesn't exist! Surely children see enough footballers and singers (Gareth bale, Harry styles) with man buns to understand that long hair doesn't automatically equal girl!

Absolutely would not cut my sons hair if he objected against it on the basis that a teacher has said he 'might' be bullied.

What I would be doing is having a word with the head regarding her attitude towards his hair!

As everyone else on this thread has already said, what if it was something he couldnt change? If he worse glasses, a birthmark?

TEACH BULLIES NOT TO BE BULLIES rather then teaching kids how to 'not get bullied'

Kids at 5 years old do not know what is good for them. They do not have the mental capacity for that.

Wow. My son at the same age and older grew his hair quite long. It was his thing. He did get some comments as he went and the school were very supportive in firmly but appropriately stopping any unfriendly comments before they turned to bullying. In his teens the hair went. My son is indeed gay, but this has limited relevance. If the answer to bullying is to conform with the norm then it is the school that needs to change.

The 1950s called. They want their teacher back. This is IMHO a really oldschool reaction especially if he is not actively having any issues. It's a bit of a red flag. He should be encouraged to express himself and bullying for any reason not tolerated. I do sortof agree that you should be careful to ensure that it's what HE wants if he keeps it long and not just he's pleasing you. And the day may come where he does make the choice that he'd rather 'fit in'. However the truth is that most of the kids his age won't even bat an eyelid if they're all encouraged just to express themselves and be kind. School should be focussing on this not criticising your son who's done nothing wrong x

@IceVolcanoes Jesus wept. Right?! I feel like I woke up in an alternate dimension.

What else are we going to have to change to be judged 'acceptable' according to the aribtrary, unpredictable and highly personal opinions of others? This is where it starts, that process of self-alienation; contorting and adjusting ourselves to please others. It never ends well.

I'd be asking the teacher to explain why they don't have a plan in place for preventing bullying rather than treating it as inevitable. And asking which other physical changes they ask children to undergo in order to avoid being bullied? Stretching the short kids on a rack? Skin lightening? Dying the hair of ginger kids?

Fwiw my son has had long hair through most of primary school, and never been bullied for it.

Sounds like they have a teacher/school culture issue.

The last thing I'm going to do is force haircuts on my kids (OK, not entirely true, DS1 has short hair, and I do tell him 'right, that needs cutting this week' - although if he said he wanted to grow it out that would be fine)

'Big boys' have long hair too! It's just hair, and of course 5 year olds have opinions on their hair - that's why I stopped giving DS2 a toddler buzzcut, because he wanted to grow it a bit longer, then decided he didn't want it cut at all, and why not! He knows that once a week I'm going to sit him down to condition and comb it, he knows that he could avoid that by cropping it a bit, and he chooses not to, and has done since 4 or 5. It's his head, his hair, his choice (within safety and tidiness parameters!)

And he just shrugs, and corrects people (if it's relevant - in a shop he'd probably just ignore being thought a girl entirely) - there's nothing wrong with being a girl after all - it's not insulting, just wrong - and that's exactly the way he should see it.

Fuck me some of the sexism on this thread!! So we have to stick with gender stereotypes now do we?

My DS who's 5 has long blonde hair/blue eyes. He does get mistaken for a girl sometimes but never has been bullied. If anyone told me I should cut his hair I would tell them to fuck off.

Op tell the teacher straight. If and when he is bullied then that needs to be dealt with. Under no circumstances will DS conform.

Sorry to break this to you, OP, but in 2022 we're all about the sexual stereotypes now. Apparently it's the only way you can tell who is male and who is female.

I'm afraid to tell you that the advice the teacher has given you is actually sensible given the real situation in that classroom.

OK nobody should stereotype
OK nobody should bully because of any difference
OK the school has an anti bullying policy
OK bullying is "not tolerated"

But in reality bullying is rife. Some kids and some parents do not care about any rules or proper behaviour.

All bullying will be denied by children and parents. School will fill in some forms and have the required meetings. Nothing will change.

My ds is now 16 and not bullied. However, he was bullied for years. Overbite causing dribble (corrected by hospital), autistic also with poor coordination (therefore "retarded" - now masked enough and knows what situations to avoid). Bullying included physical assault, unrelenting taunting etc. Logged, all done by the book. All denied. Bullies never brought to justice. They just bully other kids now. They will continue to bully their entire lives.

I have taken great care to ensure that my ds doesn't stick out in any way and although this is so wrong, it worked. Schools are fucking vicious and nobody can do anythign about it.

Tell her that if your son is actually bullied, you have the utmost confidence that she will do her job and put a stop to it.

My son is now 10. He has always had long curly hair. It’s too nice to cut and I was once told curly people have curly faces

DS has also always been mistaken for a girl, I think it’s his eyes more than anything. He now likes to don a Real Madrid style hair style option for a sporty Alice band. School kicked up a fuss at first (private) as apparently only girls can wear hair accessories. He politely reminded them it’s now the trouser and skirt uniform not boy and girls as previous and the trouser uniform doesn’t make reference to any hair accessories. He has one the same colour as the school uniform. He handled this all himself. It’s a great lesson in self preservation and being who you want to be.

He is however very masculine and always has been very gender defined but that’s just him. Nothing to do with how he chooses to have his hair.

Let you son be who he is not who the teacher suggests he should be.

I wouldn't cut his hair unless he wants to.

I definitely wouldn't cut his hair to stop the bullying.

It's shit but unfortunately bullying does exist and always will. If we can teach our kids to weather it at a young age and not rise to the bait it will hopefully stand them in good stead for ignoring bullies at secondary school.

I wasn't good at ignoring bullies and had a horrible time at school. I'll be teaching my DD the water off a duck's back approach at every opportunity.

If your son isn't being bullied and is happy with his hair then I see no problem. An added advantage is that that the children are all seeing that people are different and boys don't have to conform to the stereotype that they have short hair. That is bonus education on the subject of diversity.

@MrsSkylerWhite

I’m very surprised that a teacher would say that. Boys with long hair are ten a penny.

Yes, me too. It's not exactly unusual to see a boy with long hair these days. Even if she is someone with old-fashioned views about boys with long hair, I'm still amazed that she would consider it her place to tell the parents he should have it cut, never mind suggest he could be bullied because of it.