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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher thinks DS needs to cut hair to avoid bullying

393 replies

calmama · 06/04/2022 09:49

Very upset. DS is 5 and has always been a sensitive boy. Gravitates towards girls and has some (traditionally) feminine (as well as some very masculine) interests. He has long, curly hair and big blue eyes. Has been mistaken for a girl since birth irrespective of dressing in typical "boy" clothes.

His teacher has just now brought up that she is worried he will be bullied because apparently the other kids at school think he's a girl. She's suggested he cut his hair. DH is all for it. I am not, pure and simply because he doesn't want to! DH has pushed many times and he just doesn't want to. I also don't think he should have to masculinise his interests just because he may or may not be bullied.

Ultimately, I am obviously horrified at the prospect of him being bullied, but am struggling to understand why he should have to change who he is to fit some kind of stereotype. Don't know what to do, but I am very, very upset about all this.

AIBU to think this is crazy? It's 2022. WTAF?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 06/04/2022 10:22

I had this when I refused permission for my children to attend the sex education classes in primary school.
I was told that my children would risk being bullied blah blah blah

I said are you telling me your school has a bullying problem? What's your policy on bullying? How do you intend to ensure children aren't bullied? Is this something I should be worried about? I'm very concerned that you are telling me this, how are you going to ensure my children aren't bullied? What are you doing to stamp out this bullying problem you have in this school etc etc

Oh boy did they backtrack!

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:23

@IceVolcanoes I was dumbstruck actually. My husband was unfortunately there too (rare) so it just reinforced his desire to cut the hair. For the record, my husband has longer hair than all of us and still carries on about DS hair. Makes no sense. At all. I'm just truly dumbfounded by it all. Still reeling.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 06/04/2022 10:23

Meant to say try that. Go in all concerned about this massive bullying problem they've admitted exists in school and how you want to know what they are doing to stop it.

LadyT27 · 06/04/2022 10:24

Sounds like this teacher is projecting her own stereotype on how boys/girls should look as no bullying yet has happened.

I would definitely not cut his hair if he doesn't want to. I see plenty of kids when dropping my daughter off wearing unisex clothing, boys with long hair, girls in 'boy style' clothes, boys in pink etc. I think it's common now for kids to just dress how they want, not based on gender stereotyping!

IncompleteSenten · 06/04/2022 10:24

Tell your husband that he and your son should get matching haircuts then if he's so bothered about long hair on males he surely must suffer himself with his.

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:26

@SlashBeef

We are cutting DS2 hair over this Easter holidays. He is 4 and fed up of a boy at preschool repeatedly calling him a girl. His long hair is cute and both he and I like it but it's not a hill I'm willing to die on just to prove a point. Kids are mean, life ain't fair. It's always been that way and I'm not going to use my kid to change that.
I'm not "using my kid" to "prove a point". FFS. It's purely and simply because HE doesn't want to cut his hair. HE doesn't want to.
OP posts:
Ilostit · 06/04/2022 10:26

My daughter’s friend is what you would call a Tom Boy. She wears the boy’s uniform to school but has long hair. No one mistakes her for a boy! In fact her friends are mainly girls and she loves ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ things. If your boy was a Sikh then would the teacher say the same? He’s not going to get bullied for having long hair!

Abraxan · 06/04/2022 10:27

That's strange. Long hair on boys is really not unusual at all. Every (infant school) class I teach has at least one or two boys with long hair. We have boys who come in skirts and dresses occasionally too. None are bullied for their clothes or hair.

Do you live in an area which is very conservative in its outlook, hence the unusual (for this time, ime) suggestion?

Phormiumjester2 · 06/04/2022 10:27

My husband is 6'3" and an ex rugby player. He has long hair in a top knot. Nobody bullies him I can assure you.

The teacher could handle this a whole lot better. Especially if no actual bullying is taking place.
.a child is DS1s primary class liked traditional girl things from preschool. Soft toys, unicorn, sparkly bags & pens. He's been completely embraced by everyone and is still a popular kid into Y7. There's no need to do anything at all about how a child presents like this - they neither need to encourage nor discourage it, as teachers. They're there to teach not to change kids.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/04/2022 10:27

There's no way a teacher told you to cut your son's hair just in case he's bullied

FlyingPandas · 06/04/2022 10:27

Several of my 17yo's friends have had long hair (way down past their shoulders) for as long as I can remember and have never had issues. They have always wanted long hair and if anyone comments they just say they like having long hair.

As long as it's your DS's choice, OP (which is absolutely sounds like it is), then he should be allowed to keep it long.

The only thing with boys and long hair that can be a bit disconcerting is when it's clearly the mother's preference (i.e. I've read comments on here from mothers saying they 'simply couldn't bear' to cut their boy's 'delicious curls' because they were 'so beautiful and luxuriant' etc etc which always feels a bit icky) rather than the boy's. If it's the boy himself who loves having long hair then everyone else should crack on and leave them be.

As long as hair is tied back, as long as they look neat and tidy and their hair is not falling into their eyes or causing a distraction (i.e. constant fiddling with hair when they should be getting on with their work for example) then fine.

Kids will be nasty to other kids at times for any number of reasons and it's up to parents and teachers to model tolerance and kindness and to reiterate that everyone is an individual and should be accepted for who they are.

Zonder · 06/04/2022 10:30

If the teacher is worried your son will be bullied then the school need to do some work on a to bullying.

This is victim shaming before there's even a victim!

ChateauMargaux · 06/04/2022 10:30

Hmm.. perhaps have a chat with the teacher.. try to gently tease out whether there is bullying in the class, whether boys and girls are reinforcing sex based stereotypes and whether there is anything that the teacher can do to ease this.. circle time about stereotypes, it's not preferences that makes us male or female but everyone should feel totally free to express themselves as they wish without others making assumptions about them because of it. There is a lot to unpick here.. and lots of potential false conclusions to jump to.. tread gently.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 06/04/2022 10:30

@TurquoiseDragon

Is he actually being bullied? Or is it the teacher pushing her preferences?

My son once had a teacher who openly said to me she preferred boys over girls. A couple of parents of girls told me she treated the girls more harshly than the boys. She wasn't at the school the next year, so I think complaints had been made.

In any case, it should be your son who has to change, it should be the teacher/school that deals with any bullies.

My DS had a primary school teacher who openly said she disliked boys. She only had 4 girls in a class of 24. Nowadays I imagine she wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes in a school but 35 years ago no one said or did a thing.
Zonder · 06/04/2022 10:31

As long as hair is tied back, as long as they look neat and tidy and their hair is not falling into their eyes or causing a distraction (i.e. constant fiddling with hair when they should be getting on with their work for example) then fine.

Does this rule apply to girls too? Do they have to tie their hair up?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/04/2022 10:33

If he is bullied then the teacher needs to deal with the bullies and act appropriately. The answer is not to cut his hairHmm

Pluvia · 06/04/2022 10:33

The teacher needs to be reported. She's enforcing gender stereotypes. When I was at school in the 70s the girls had short hair (because it was fashionable) and the boys had long hair, sometimes in a ponytail. This is sexist shit and the teacher needs to be called out on it.

Try contacting Safe Schools Alliance

safeschoolsallianceuk.net

about this situation. Also start a thread on the Feminism: sex and gender board. Loads of women there who will be able to support you to take the school on.

Schools are messing with children's heads and some seriously misguided teachers are in the frontline of persuading children who don't seem to conform to old-fashioned gender stereotypes that they have to conform (by getting their hair cut, for example) or by persuading the child and parents that the child was 'born in the wrong body'. This has to stop.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/04/2022 10:33

@Zonder

As long as hair is tied back, as long as they look neat and tidy and their hair is not falling into their eyes or causing a distraction (i.e. constant fiddling with hair when they should be getting on with their work for example) then fine.

Does this rule apply to girls too? Do they have to tie their hair up?

Of course it does. No school creates rules for long hair and ignores the 99% for whom it would apply.
Lesperance · 06/04/2022 10:34

On the one hand, I agree with you. On the other hand, he has his hair like this because you chose to, basically. At this age.

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:34

She suggested he get a bloody undercut to make his hair more boyish if we didn't cut it. She might as well have suggested a bloody mullet.

FARK, I'm so worked up about this, so sorry for the emotive posts, MNers. I love my son immeasurably and am so amazed by the incredibly interesting little person he is becoming. I'm so freakin angry someone is trying to force him to change who he is and send the message who he is isn't right.

Thank you for your suggestions though. I'll go through them when I've calmed down a bit.

OP posts:
IceVolcanoes · 06/04/2022 10:35

@ChateauMargaux

Hmm.. perhaps have a chat with the teacher.. try to gently tease out whether there is bullying in the class, whether boys and girls are reinforcing sex based stereotypes and whether there is anything that the teacher can do to ease this.. circle time about stereotypes, it's not preferences that makes us male or female but everyone should feel totally free to express themselves as they wish without others making assumptions about them because of it. There is a lot to unpick here.. and lots of potential false conclusions to jump to.. tread gently.
Why tread gently?

The problem is a teacher insisting that a child needs to confirm to a gender stereotype to avoid being bullied. There’s not lots to unpick at all.

If the school has a bullying problem, they need to sort themselves out and tackle it. If their response to bullying is to identify kids who are a bit different and tell them to be more normal, it’s totally unsurprising that they have a bullying problem. They need to take a much more sensible and effective approach.

He cannot possibly be the only boy in the school who has long hair or plays mostly with the girls.

Original poster
calmama · 06/04/2022 10:36

@Abraxan Do you live in an area which is very conservative in its outlook, hence the unusual (for this time, ime) suggestion?

Wouldn't have thought so!

OP posts:
PlainJaneEyre · 06/04/2022 10:36

He's 5 years old - do you let him do everything that HE wants? It's time for you to tell him it's time for a big boy's haircut or you just let him keep it long. You cannot police everyone's thoughts though regardless of policies, legislations etc. I don't agree that many boys have long hair - that's not what I see coming out of both the private and state school near me.

PlainJaneEyre · 06/04/2022 10:36

PS Is it curly?

Clymene · 06/04/2022 10:38

So he's not being bullied, it's not an issue but the teacher has suggested you cut it?

Really? REALLY? I find that extraordinarily hard to believe.