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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cheated by my doula

232 replies

Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:04

For my second 2 months old, dh and I made the decision to have a doula as my birth partner as we had no other childcare for our child at home. I didn’t want to go it alone as I was quite nervous of being mistreated, I didn’t have the best first labour.

So I hired a doula and I honestly feel robbed. Robbed not only of money (nearly £1k) but of that supportive presence during labour. I’m actually quite cross about it, of course I gave feedback on how I feel.

The woman I had, drove the wrong way to the hospital taking nearly triple the amount of time. Left me to walk from the carpark alone to the delivery unit whilst she parked the car in active labour, there were a few instances where I needed some extra advocacy when the midwife wasn’t really listening to me (nothing crazy, just preferences like my bum was facing the door and I wasn’t comfortable with being exposed to everyone in the corridor so just asked for a blanket) and nothing, no coachIng, no reminding of breathing techniques, no words of encouragement, no massage, pressure points, reminding to move around… literally nothing. She sat there on her phone and ate my snacks and drank my sports drinks. It was to the extent that the midwife even commented to leave some of the snacks for me and when the doula left 30 mins after birth on how little she did. My husband had one ask, just keep him updated. She didn’t, despite being on her phone

I feel cheated. She had good reviews but now I’m wondering if they were fake.

Was I just really unlucky? If you had a doula what was your experience like?

2 months later I still feel a bit narked about it. When I gave the feedback (said nicely but put across all the points I made above) it was oh ok, I’ll take it on board for next time. No explanation or apology. Feels like a grand wasted - aibu?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/04/2022 11:09

Have you done your review yet? I'd be warning others me.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:11

@gamerchick

Have you done your review yet? I'd be warning others me.
Yup! Done it, couldn’t not. I think for even the midwife to remark on how useless she was is astounding so I couldn’t not
OP posts:
Pyri · 05/04/2022 11:18

This is awful, did you ask her for help at all during the birth?

ChateauMargaux · 05/04/2022 11:20

I am a doula and I am sorry that you had this experience with yours.

Georgeskitchen · 05/04/2022 11:22

I think you should ask for a refund since she did buggar all.
BTW I didn't think you were allowed to eat in active labour I the delivery suite my youngest is mid 20s so maybe things have changed. I was on ante natal ward waiting for a bed in delivery. They found one just as the dinner wagon was coming round. I asked if I could take it with me but told no food in delivery suite. I was gutted.
Didn't give birth till 10 hours later 😪 🙃

Viviennemary · 05/04/2022 11:23

You should ask for a refund. At least a partial one. She sounds a total Chancer.

UsernameInTheTown · 05/04/2022 11:24

Small claims court her for your cash back.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:24

@Pyri

This is awful, did you ask her for help at all during the birth?
We’d discussed at length before hand the type of support if require, labour wise like many I retreat into myself so I need a pro active approach, i also sometimes struggle to advocate for myself under pressure because I can get quite anxious.

There was an incident where midwife wanted to break my waters and I wasn’t a fan of this idea, 9 advocacy so I caved, when she was doing it she was causing me pain to the extent it made me cry, I asked for a breather, she said oh no I’m almost there and carried on, doula didn’t say anything.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 05/04/2022 11:25

Jeez shes a scammer! The problem is these people are totally unregulated (correct me if I'm wrong), and they can litearlly fleece someone and not provide the service I suppose. There are cowboys in every industery. How did you find her? And when did you pay?

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:26

@Georgeskitchen

I think you should ask for a refund since she did buggar all. BTW I didn't think you were allowed to eat in active labour I the delivery suite my youngest is mid 20s so maybe things have changed. I was on ante natal ward waiting for a bed in delivery. They found one just as the dinner wagon was coming round. I asked if I could take it with me but told no food in delivery suite. I was gutted. Didn't give birth till 10 hours later 😪 🙃
Yup I think it’s encouraged actually unless maybe you’ve had the drip?

I was encouraged to have snacks in my pessary induction and also my spontaneous labour… might be new guidelines?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:27

@MissyB1

Jeez shes a scammer! The problem is these people are totally unregulated (correct me if I'm wrong), and they can litearlly fleece someone and not provide the service I suppose. There are cowboys in every industery. How did you find her? And when did you pay?
We paid all before the birth in instalments. I feel so cheated
OP posts:
edwinbear · 05/04/2022 11:31

I had an independent midwife for DC2 for similar reasons, DH stayed at home with DC1, I'd had a tough time with DC1, which had left DH feeling quite traumatised and unable to do it again, he'd also not been much use and I felt I wanted someone more knowledgeable/authoritative second time around.

DD is 10 now, but I still remember how fantastic she was, albeit as a midwife, cost closer to £3k. She came in a taxi with me so she could continue to support me when travelling, when we got to hospital, gave them a full run down of my medical history, how labour was progressing, what my hopes were for the birth. She did not leave my side, ensured I understood everything that was going on, she was hypnobirth trained and we ran through some of that. She even helped the hospital midwife with some techniques to help when DC2 was presenting back to back. She took a photo and sent it to DH and I as soon as DD was born and stayed with me until DD and I were both comfortable and settled. She was far more use than DH had been first time around Grin. Yours does sound like she was a bit....disinterested? I'm not sure what can be done though, other than being honest if you're asked for references. It's disappointing, but if you and DC are healthy, it might be best to try and put it behind you?

Ponoka7 · 05/04/2022 11:32

I'd be asking for a partial refund on the grounds that she didn't provide the services promised. I'd be putting her all over SM, so she doesn't scam anyone else.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/04/2022 11:34

I know nothing about doulas...

But this soubds as if you'd get the same 'service' if you grabbed a 16 year old from a bus stop and said... Hey flick through your phone and eat my snacks and so sweet nada!

I'd definitely be asking for my money back... 1k is a lot to lose... If not small claims!

MissyB1 · 05/04/2022 11:35

@Ponoka7

I'd be asking for a partial refund on the grounds that she didn't provide the services promised. I'd be putting her all over SM, so she doesn't scam anyone else.
I agree. it's actually important that your local community know about her, before some other poor couple get fleeced.
Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:39

I’m a little scared to put it on SM as I saw a thread on here a while back about home birth and social media groups and some of those group members started threatening the MN posters and trying to find them

OP posts:
everythingcrossed · 05/04/2022 11:40

I know this may sound a strange question but did you properly meet her beforehand? Was it all done via phone? Because, if you didn't meet her face-to-face, I'd assume the doula was attending another birth and sent this woman in her place.

Fraaahnces · 05/04/2022 11:42

Is there some kind of governing body you can report her to?

Sartre · 05/04/2022 11:44

I’d have asked for a refund in all honesty. No idea how it works or how you’d go about getting one but she sounds absolutely useless, I’d feel scammed too. Are you absolutely sure she’s even trained? Sounds like she sat on her phone in the corner like a disinterested teenager.

Calennig · 05/04/2022 11:48

@everythingcrossed

I know this may sound a strange question but did you properly meet her beforehand? Was it all done via phone? Because, if you didn't meet her face-to-face, I'd assume the doula was attending another birth and sent this woman in her place.
I was wondering this TBH.

It is a lot of money - I'd have loved a similar service with thrid as MWs let us down really badly before during and after - so it might be worth seeing if you can recoup some of the cost.

hallwaypaint · 05/04/2022 11:48

Sorry you had this experience. How many previous births has she attended as a doula? Normally they know the local hospitals really well, so it seems odd that she got lost. Unless you're in another area.

NameChange30 · 05/04/2022 11:51

I had a doula when I gave birth to DC2 and she was absolutely nothing like yours. I know other doulas and they are all very committed to supporting women and most of them put in a huge amount of work for the money you pay them.

I think you should write an email or letter of complaint asking for your money back. If she ignores or refuses, small claims court.

Did you have a contract or any kind of written agreement with her?

Is she registered with doula U.K.? If so you should contact them about your complaint.

Twiglets1 · 05/04/2022 11:52

She sounds awful. Nevertheless beyond writing a shitty review to warn others, I think you should try to let it go now and concentrate on your baby and yourself. You are unlikely to be able to recover any money and I think you’re just prolonging the stress

ssd · 05/04/2022 11:54

So do you just meet the doula on rhe way to the hospital? What if you dont like them?

Oriunda · 05/04/2022 11:55

My doula was amazing. I’d be reporting yours, but first I’d be attempting to get some sort of refund.