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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cheated by my doula

232 replies

Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 11:04

For my second 2 months old, dh and I made the decision to have a doula as my birth partner as we had no other childcare for our child at home. I didn’t want to go it alone as I was quite nervous of being mistreated, I didn’t have the best first labour.

So I hired a doula and I honestly feel robbed. Robbed not only of money (nearly £1k) but of that supportive presence during labour. I’m actually quite cross about it, of course I gave feedback on how I feel.

The woman I had, drove the wrong way to the hospital taking nearly triple the amount of time. Left me to walk from the carpark alone to the delivery unit whilst she parked the car in active labour, there were a few instances where I needed some extra advocacy when the midwife wasn’t really listening to me (nothing crazy, just preferences like my bum was facing the door and I wasn’t comfortable with being exposed to everyone in the corridor so just asked for a blanket) and nothing, no coachIng, no reminding of breathing techniques, no words of encouragement, no massage, pressure points, reminding to move around… literally nothing. She sat there on her phone and ate my snacks and drank my sports drinks. It was to the extent that the midwife even commented to leave some of the snacks for me and when the doula left 30 mins after birth on how little she did. My husband had one ask, just keep him updated. She didn’t, despite being on her phone

I feel cheated. She had good reviews but now I’m wondering if they were fake.

Was I just really unlucky? If you had a doula what was your experience like?

2 months later I still feel a bit narked about it. When I gave the feedback (said nicely but put across all the points I made above) it was oh ok, I’ll take it on board for next time. No explanation or apology. Feels like a grand wasted - aibu?

OP posts:
andysgirl22 · 05/04/2022 15:24

Op I'm so sorry that u went through this xxx

BiBabbles · 05/04/2022 15:29

YANBU, it's awful that you had so little support from the doula, from the sounds of it, not enough from the midwives as well.

I think there is a need for non-medical support or 'chaperones' as some places still prefer to call them for many people in medical situations and births are a big one. Not everyone feels a need for it, and there may be a need for it to be better qualified and screened than doulas are now, but I think there can be lot of value in it.

Wtf is "burning sage and 'smudging'"?!
What on Earth is smudging?

Smudging is burning sage. There are a few other plants that can be used, often in proper practices multiple plants are used, but it's basically the same thing colloquially. It's a religious practice for lack of a better term in some American Indigenous nations, some Canadian and US hospitals will allow it certain rooms - some hospitals even provide a list of rooms, but really it's used for the same kind of thing in medical situations where someone of faiths with clergy might want those clergy involved.

It's also used by some to mock what they view as hippy, in part because it's a visible practice that's very different and because some hippy-types over the decades have taken and done some weird shite with it.

Tortabella · 05/04/2022 15:35

I would write to her and say you need the money back as she was useless. And if she refuses say you have a journalist involved and will be talking to a paper as you'd hate other women to be scammed. It's cheaper than hiring a lawyer and works well in my experience.

Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 15:37

How many times had you met her before?
Was she recommended personally to you?

Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 15:38

How old is your first?

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 15:44

@Responsiveroo

How many times had you met her before? Was she recommended personally to you?
Yes she was recommended to me, we met for an interview in a coffee shop and then had 2 x 2hr ante natal sessions and FT catch ups.

Not sure how the age of my first child is relevant though?

OP posts:
TeaPacks · 05/04/2022 15:46

Well, my doula didn't bother turning up.
I went to hospital at 5am on a cold Sunday morning and I guess she didn't want to get out of bed.
Then she blocked me. Thankfully hadn't paid her yet.
You should demand a refund.

Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 15:48

And In the hours you spent with her, she was engaged and supportive and helpful and not on phone?

And the person who recommended her, a good friend?

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 15:52

@Responsiveroo

And In the hours you spent with her, she was engaged and supportive and helpful and not on phone?

And the person who recommended her, a good friend?

I’ve said up thread. She was recommended by another doula. She was perfectly engaged and sweet on the phone
OP posts:
Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 15:54

But in the four hours of antenatal
Was that not in person?

Recommended by another doula, but had that doula been recommended to you?!

TheNameOfTheRoses · 05/04/2022 15:58

I’m nit sure why people are trying to tear apart what happened, how much the OP has seen the doula etc… as if it was somehow the OP’s fault for not checking well enough.

The reality is that the doula has done shit job. It’s not the OP’s fault.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 15:58

@Responsiveroo

But in the four hours of antenatal Was that not in person?

Recommended by another doula, but had that doula been recommended to you?!

Yes 4 hrs of ante natal in person.

No the other doula hadn’t been recommended to me. I’d found them on doula uk and looked them up and then interviewed them but there was a clash in dates

OP posts:
LolaJ87 · 05/04/2022 16:00

@Responsiveroo would you not read through the thread instead of repeating questions that the OP has already answered?

@Yumyumcakes sorry to hear about your experience, I would contact Doula UK because even if it doesn't change the outcome for you, it might stop them endorsing her or having other doulas make recommendations for her.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 05/04/2022 16:00

@Responsiveroo you are quite aggressive with your questions tbh. What has the age of the first child to do with the doula’s quality of work?
How was she during the 4 hours of ante natal appointments etc….

You realise that some people are just crap, don’t know what they are talking about and can appear caring and good at their job until they are actually DOING the job right?

Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 16:04

Sorry don’t mean to be aggressive

But it strikes me that at an incredibly important person, you had a virtual stranger by your side.

She sounds crap. No doubt about that, but the other doula was plucked from thin air and then she recommended a friend. My friend had a doula and the hours she spent with her doula and it was on the basis of a recommendation from her sister.

In the 4 hours of ante natel - you had no indication she was obsessed with her phone?

As for not updating your husband - awful

How long was the labour?

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 16:12

@TheNameOfTheRoses

I’m nit sure why people are trying to tear apart what happened, how much the OP has seen the doula etc… as if it was somehow the OP’s fault for not checking well enough.

The reality is that the doula has done shit job. It’s not the OP’s fault.

I know! The story isn’t the complicated Either
OP posts:
BooseysMom · 05/04/2022 16:16

*TeaPacks

Well, my doula didn't bother turning up.
I went to hospital at 5am on a cold Sunday morning and I guess she didn't want to get out of bed.
Then she blocked me. Thankfully hadn't paid her yet.
You should demand a refund.*

That's awful! Thank goodness you didn't pay her. Disgusting. Makes me very glad I didn't get a doula now. It was just me and DH.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 16:21

@Responsiveroo

Sorry don’t mean to be aggressive

But it strikes me that at an incredibly important person, you had a virtual stranger by your side.

She sounds crap. No doubt about that, but the other doula was plucked from thin air and then she recommended a friend. My friend had a doula and the hours she spent with her doula and it was on the basis of a recommendation from her sister.

In the 4 hours of ante natel - you had no indication she was obsessed with her phone?

As for not updating your husband - awful

How long was the labour?

Right, so again as per the thread. She actually offered more in terms of getting to know the doula than all the others I contacted.

You do know doulas are strangers right? It’s a professional service?

I genuinely feel like you are interviewing me here. You’re actually quite insulting.

The first doula wasnt ‘plucked from the air’ I found her on doula UK, interviewed her, and chose her based on her experience in infant feeding. It then came to light there was a clash of schedules, she recommended someone else that she worked with regularly who apparently has a similar background with infant feeding and was v good.

No during the 4 hrs of ante natal sessions she wasn’t on her phone lots, her phone went off a fair amount but she only replied to messages on it once or twice and then excused herself to do so.

The labour was 14 hrs.

Again not sure why you asked the age of my first child and how it’s even relevant?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 16:22

@TeaPacks

Well, my doula didn't bother turning up. I went to hospital at 5am on a cold Sunday morning and I guess she didn't want to get out of bed. Then she blocked me. Thankfully hadn't paid her yet. You should demand a refund.
Jeezzzus.
OP posts:
Responsiveroo · 05/04/2022 16:29

Oh just asked about first child age because if school age, such a shame no local friends came through for you.

The concept baffles me. A virtual stranger, there at the birth of your child, advocating for you etc.

Someone you had forged a close relationship with? Yes. But the concept to me is baffling. As I say my only experience of a birth doula is my friend - and a year on - she’s still in contact with her doula. Before the birth, the doula really wanted to know her.

And my personal experience is post natel doula as my husband had to return to work very soon afterwards. Again - I’d met the woman a number of times, we’d really connected. So it was like having a friend around to support me afterwards.

Sorry didn’t mean to come across aggressive. I suppose she baffled by the concept of expecting a virtual stranger to be my advocate at a 14 hour birth. I would have flipped it and had someone get to know my first child so that he/she had great childcare so my husband could be there

Dinoasaurme · 05/04/2022 16:37

Some midwives are awful but no one says that makes all midwives pointless!

But they definitely are regulated!

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 16:41

@Responsiveroo

Oh just asked about first child age because if school age, such a shame no local friends came through for you.

The concept baffles me. A virtual stranger, there at the birth of your child, advocating for you etc.

Someone you had forged a close relationship with? Yes. But the concept to me is baffling. As I say my only experience of a birth doula is my friend - and a year on - she’s still in contact with her doula. Before the birth, the doula really wanted to know her.

And my personal experience is post natel doula as my husband had to return to work very soon afterwards. Again - I’d met the woman a number of times, we’d really connected. So it was like having a friend around to support me afterwards.

Sorry didn’t mean to come across aggressive. I suppose she baffled by the concept of expecting a virtual stranger to be my advocate at a 14 hour birth. I would have flipped it and had someone get to know my first child so that he/she had great childcare so my husband could be there

She’s not of school age.

We have no trust worthy family around to care for her. I had a spontaneous labour so even if we befriended a baby sitter, I very much doubt anyone would be ‘on call’ from 37-42 weeks and willing to stop everything at the drop of a hat to come look after her.

But it’s a professional service not a friendship, of course friendly and I wanted someone on the same wave length to me (boy was I wrong) but I met the person, met others had a think and then moved forward. To them I was a job basically.

It might ‘baffle you’ but it frightened me based on my first labour to go through labour all alone. If I needed an EMC I’d be all alone, catch a taxi to the hospital all alone, walk to the MLU carrying my bags alone and all of that.

Also I met and FT’d the woman multiple times also.

OP posts:
Oriunda · 05/04/2022 16:42

@flopseyR72

I’m in the UK. Had two children on NHS last one 4 years ago. I’m not saying the care is always great but I would rather talk direct to the professional staff. What can a doula do? I doubt the midwife would listen to them more than yourself.
Ha! I was induced and was in hospital for nearly 4 days before I ended up with an EMCS. It was like Groundhog Day, with staff constantly changing and having to explain yet again what stage I was at. I was exhausted and In bits by that time.

My amazing doula was my advocate. An ex midwife who knew the hospital well, she was able to get a clear plan for me and managed to get me put in a private room for the 3rd night, when I couldn’t sleep any more.

After the birth, she came to my house, helped me to BF (nursing staff too busy), and did things like took baby for walk etc. I got typed up notes of every moment in my labour journey, from admittance on fy 1 to eventual birth on day 4 ….. including the 8 VEs I had!

She still sends my son birthday greetings each year, 10 years on.

I hate that this thread is giving doulas a bad name all because of one bad apple. More reason though for OP to complain directly to Doula UK. She should also tell the original doula just how bad this person was so that no other woman suffers.

DoNotStayCalm · 05/04/2022 16:44

The concept baffles me. A virtual stranger, there at the birth of your child, advocating for you etc.

Most midwives are virtual strangers to birthing mothers.

A person trained and experienced in attending births and having a skill set to advocate for their client isn't that odd. They aren't their as a proxy parent or proxy family member.

Original poster
Yumyumcakes · 05/04/2022 16:49

I don’t think the thread is giving all doulas a bad name, a lot of other posters including yourself have said how amazing their doula was, which was why I wanted one in the first place.

There’s just a few obtuse people who can’t possibly imagine why you’d want someone who’s supported umpteen births yet who isn’t a blood relative with you giving birth

OP posts: