To feel cheated by my doula

[Yumyumcakes]

For my second 2 months old, dh and I made the decision to have a doula as my birth partner as we had no other childcare for our child at home. I didn’t want to go it alone as I was quite nervous of being mistreated, I didn’t have the best first labour.

So I hired a doula and I honestly feel robbed. Robbed not only of money (nearly £1k) but of that supportive presence during labour. I’m actually quite cross about it, of course I gave feedback on how I feel.

The woman I had, drove the wrong way to the hospital taking nearly triple the amount of time. Left me to walk from the carpark alone to the delivery unit whilst she parked the car in active labour, there were a few instances where I needed some extra advocacy when the midwife wasn’t really listening to me (nothing crazy, just preferences like my bum was facing the door and I wasn’t comfortable with being exposed to everyone in the corridor so just asked for a blanket) and nothing, no coachIng, no reminding of breathing techniques, no words of encouragement, no massage, pressure points, reminding to move around… literally nothing. She sat there on her phone and ate my snacks and drank my sports drinks. It was to the extent that the midwife even commented to leave some of the snacks for me and when the doula left 30 mins after birth on how little she did. My husband had one ask, just keep him updated. She didn’t, despite being on her phone

I feel cheated. She had good reviews but now I’m wondering if they were fake.

Was I just really unlucky? If you had a doula what was your experience like?

2 months later I still feel a bit narked about it. When I gave the feedback (said nicely but put across all the points I made above) it was oh ok, I’ll take it on board for next time. No explanation or apology. Feels like a grand wasted - aibu?

Oriunda
"I hate that this thread is giving doulas a bad name all because of one bad apple."

Completely agree.

@Yumyumcakes have you been able to contact doula uk again to put a complain in?
Sorry if I’ve missed and you’ve already explained!

[quote TheNameOfTheRoses]@Yumyumcakes have you been able to contact doula uk again to put a complain in?
Sorry if I’ve missed and you’ve already explained![/quote]
Yup I’ve sent an emailing detailing the name date and my experience

Just reading about the premium doula Uk approved training course (on the doula Uk website). Once completed and passed you can be listed on the website.

The workshops include… (and I copied and pasted directly the order that it lists)

* Creating pottery (our containers of self-care)*
Exploring everything placentas, prints, tinctures, smoothies and more (with a real placenta!)
Birth emergencies (with an Independent Midwife)
What’s in your Doula bag (knowing your boundaries with alternative medicine, cultural appropriation)
How to take a great birth/postnatal pic (with a professional birth photographer)
Birth physiology (with an Active Birth teacher)
Getting political! Talking birth rights and how to navigate the NHS (with a MVP- Maternity Voices Partnership representative)

Little concerning that creating pottery is first on the list. Birth emergency is third on the list! Hoping that isn’t in order of what the trainer perceives to be priorities.

As I say - that’s the most comprehensive one answered includes post doula training. For £850. You could do a three day for half the cost.

So sorry to hear you've had such a rubbish experience. You deserved much better.

What’s in your Doula bag (knowing your boundaries with alternative medicine, cultural appropriation

Do people writing this even understand what cultural appropriation is supposed to mean? How would you even fall victim to this while giving birth? Shouldn't it be the other way round, at a push?

This has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've read on MN

I think Doulas don't need a huge amount of training, they aren't midwives, they are helpers. I needed a ride to the hospital and someone to be with me so I wouldn't be alone.

Someone to get food, drinks, take photos, phone my DH (who did arrive but was expected to be abroad at time of the birth). Someone to tell them I wanted a water birthing room - etc. It was a bloody good thing I had a Doula as even though she wasn't that helpful in most of the ways that I wanted, she did tell the midwife what I wanted because I was labouring so fast I couldn't speak. It was insane.

Midwife put me in a room and left me, I was already birthing and didn't realise it so good thing someone was with me to tell the midwife.

I didn't have any friends that I felt comfortable asking to be on call for me when I went into labour and knew others had good experiences with Doulas.

Active birth classes were great, but my Doula had nothing to do with them.
What exactly do you think a Doula is supposed to be trained in @Responsiveroo ?

Mine was not very helpful but at least she knew my baby was being born when I didn't know and my husband, had he been the one with me, certainly wouldn't have known!

@mustlovegin

What’s in your Doula bag (knowing your boundaries with alternative medicine, cultural appropriation

Do people writing this even understand what cultural appropriation is supposed to mean? How would you even fall victim to this while giving birth? Shouldn't it be the other way round, at a push?

This has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've read on MN

That i imagine is for the doula herself rather than the birthing mother… a lot of doulas I’ve seen on the gram follow a lot of ‘alternate’ practices and as someone listed up thread ‘smudging’ or burning sage but I think that’s routed in indigenous culture and I swear I read something about it being an endangered herb so maybe that would be one of the things?

That i imagine is for the doula herself rather than the birthing mother

Ok, I sort of see it now. Still I think one would be more focused on safety and the health of the baby as opposed to whether the doula was culturally appropriating

Sorry you didn't have a good experience OP

@Responsiveroo

Just reading about the premium doula Uk approved training course (on the doula Uk website). Once completed and passed you can be listed on the website.

The workshops include… (and I copied and pasted directly the order that it lists)

* Creating pottery (our containers of self-care)*
Exploring everything placentas, prints, tinctures, smoothies and more (with a real placenta!)
Birth emergencies (with an Independent Midwife)
What’s in your Doula bag (knowing your boundaries with alternative medicine, cultural appropriation)
How to take a great birth/postnatal pic (with a professional birth photographer)
Birth physiology (with an Active Birth teacher)
Getting political! Talking birth rights and how to navigate the NHS (with a MVP- Maternity Voices Partnership representative)

Little concerning that creating pottery is first on the list. Birth emergency is third on the list! Hoping that isn’t in order of what the trainer perceives to be priorities.

As I say - that’s the most comprehensive one answered includes post doula training. For £850. You could do a three day for half the cost.

I have seen a lot on social media promote themselves far beyond their competence. It's shocking really.

"I think one would be more focused on safety and the health of the baby"

The whole point of doulas is that they're not medically qualified and they are not responsible for the safety and health of the baby; they are supposed to work alongside midwives and other medical staff and absolutely do not replace them.

Some crazy people do choose to "free birth" with only a doula present but they're in a small minority.

In an emergency the doula would not get involved; the midwives would deal with it, and if there was no midwife present she would call an ambulance.

I guess that she would only help in the same way that any other birth partner would (ie medically unqualified husband, relative or friend of the mother). The difference being that she would at least have some experience of similar situations (having attended many births) and may find it easier to stay calm, not being directly connected.

I had a doula - it was not something I had ever planned to do as it seemed so hippy-ish but I met someone who happened to be one a few months before my birth and she ended up attending. Free of charge. She was fabulous. She didn’t say much, she was a calm presence who intervened when I needed support “it’s time for gas and air I think” and “this music is not relaxing” etc. mostly she was just fantastic at knowing when to leave the room, make tea and coffee for people, leave after the birth and support me postnatally in the weeks that followed. I am very firmly now of the opinion that a birth is a wonderful experience for women to share in and support together. For my next birth she will be back, DH and both my mother and MIL. The more the merrier 😃

I’m horrified to hear how you have been treated and even more so how much you paid and the lack of accountability that this charlatan has.

@NameChange30

"I think one would be more focused on safety and the health of the baby"

The whole point of doulas is that they're not medically qualified and they are not responsible for the safety and health of the baby; they are supposed to work alongside midwives and other medical staff and absolutely do not replace them.

Some crazy people do choose to "free birth" with only a doula present but they're in a small minority.

In an emergency the doula would not get involved; the midwives would deal with it, and if there was no midwife present she would call an ambulance.

I guess that she would only help in the same way that any other birth partner would (ie medically unqualified husband, relative or friend of the mother). The difference being that she would at least have some experience of similar situations (having attended many births) and may find it easier to stay calm, not being directly connected.

Yes your last paragraph sums it up to perfection!

They also might be more confident than say a partner in their advocacy and less afraid of medics if a dr wants to do something that the mum isn’t quite onboard with.

Really basic example, my first birth is practiced hypnobirthing and it was quite important to me to keep positive so I didn’t want people to bang on about pain, no medics respected this. Did DH say to them ‘actually my wife would rather use words like comfort rather than pain’? Did he heck! And the one time he tried he was shot down and told I was being stupid by and OB. This is precisely where someone who was a ) less afraid b) had no personal attachment to the mother and baby and c) had some experience would be really handy. The reason I say no personal attachment is because I find my husband seldom listens to me directly and often defaults to someone else, esp if they state it’s for the baby

If she is on Doula UK, try complaining through them.

I think she ripped you off OP 😔

I had a doula, she came round before the birth to talk about how to establish breastfeeding / manage early labour etc. In labour she coached my brearhing it was very useful. Held the baby while I was trying to get placenta out. Fetched drinks.

She tried to advocate for my wishes with the midwives but to be fair they basically ignored her and obvs thought she was irrelevant.

Did get a massage that would have been nice. I know one doula who apparently does amazing massage but she was fully booked up waaaaah in advance.

@jgjgjgjgjg

If she is on Doula UK, try complaining through them.

Wel I’ve sent an email and got an automatic reply saying that they only have 2 members of staff and the rest are volunteers so I can’t imagine it’s going to go very far

How did you make payment to her? If any of the payments where via Debit or Credit card you can raised a chargeback for Service not as described. As long as it's within 120 days of the date service was provided( it doesn't matter when you paid)

I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience. I had a doula for both my births. She was incredible. Never saw her on her phone at all. Didn't see her eat or drink either to be honest! She asked me if I needed time to think when the MW suggested they examine me. Spoke with me about the pros and cons of interventions. Wiped sweat off my brow and reassured me and gave such positive energy. I could go on. Your doula really let you down and I think you should request your money back definitely.

I am so sorry OP. That woman is a charlatan and what she did was awful.

Honestly I would pursue her through small claims. I'd ask for a copy of my notes and see if there's any reference to the doula in there to back it up- in my notes they commented on DH having a nap (hence why some women feel like a doula is a good idea...!) so given the midwife's remarks to you I would hope there would be some contemporaneous reference to what the doula was or wasn't at.

Things like getting lost on the way to the hospital are just bloody negligent. That unnecessarily prolonged your pain/anxiety which could have been prevented by some basic forward planning. Perhaps you have text messages or call logs to show the length of the journey compared to what it should have been?

@Floppy234

How did you make payment to her? If any of the payments where via Debit or Credit card you can raised a chargeback for Service not as described. As long as it's within 120 days of the date service was provided( it doesn't matter when you paid)

Bank transfer because I’m an idiot

@TheCraicDealer

Honestly I would pursue her through small claims. I'd ask for a copy of my notes and see if there's any reference to the doula in there to back it up- in my notes they commented on DH having a nap (hence why some women feel like a doula is a good idea...!) so given the midwife's remarks to you I would hope there would be some contemporaneous reference to what the doula was or wasn't at.

Things like getting lost on the way to the hospital are just bloody negligent. That unnecessarily prolonged your pain/anxiety which could have been prevented by some basic forward planning. Perhaps you have text messages or call logs to show the length of the journey compared to what it should have been?

That’s a good call actually!

I know the journey it’s 15 mins max and a straight road. I had the chair lying flat in the car because I couldn’t sit because I was in active labour and remember thinking this has taken a lot longer than normal and why are we going over speed bumps (felt those lol) looked up and we were in the middle of a residential area, like a cul de sac i then laid back down again because it was getting ouchy. But I was in too much pain to be able to track how long it took or anything.

We also left at 6:30 am so not rush hour so no need for a detour

Do you not have a family member who could have gone with you?
I was my DDs birth partner as she went into labour very later on Xmas eve and my SIL didn’t want to leave my GD as she was 3 and it was the first Christmas she understood about Sant and he had to choose between seeing her get up and see that ‘Santa had been’ ....or be at the birth of my second GD

@Kitkat151

Do you not have a family member who could have gone with you? I was my DDs birth partner as she went into labour very later on Xmas eve and my SIL didn’t want to leave my GD as she was 3 and it was the first Christmas she understood about Sant and he had to choose between seeing her get up and see that ‘Santa had been’ ....or be at the birth of my second GD

Nope or else I wouldn’t have paid someone £1k for the privilege

@Kitkat151 obviously she didn’t!