My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

[CatbirdOnTheTree]

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

She sounds like she’s trying to put you down and keep you down. Was she always controlling? If so, I’d honestly find the childcare another way, and take back any control she’s trying to have over you.

The cycling and haircuts are red herrings in this particular argument.

Ultimately, you are within your rights to choose to try another career. She is within her rights not to volunteer to give up her time to support something she doesn't agree with.

Can you organise childcare elsewhere?

She shouldn't be putting you down but ultimately she doesn't have to provide you with childcare if she doesn't want to.

She probably wanted to help you out in terms of family finance and to support you in generating an income when it wouldn’t work otherwise if you had to pay childcare. I presume you are retraining for no money so I can understand why your mum doesn’t feel she wants to do it now

Find a childminder, consider it an investment in your career. Sounds like she’d be a nightmare if she did do the childcare anyway if she undermines all your decisions.

Put your child into childcare elsewhere. Your mum won’t leave you alone otherwise. It will cost you in terms of money but it’s still worth it long-term.

You are the architect of your life, you get to choose what you would like to do and how you will make your money/live your life.

Maybe she is worried you will 'outgrow' her also.
My dm was similar.. She wanted me to stay a lone dm like she did. She actually flounced out and stayed away for 10 years declaring she didn't like my dp !

She sounds controlling and interfering. I would make alternative arrangements, as her doing childcare will give her more leverage. There is also an element of her wanting to stunt your growth and keep you down. She does know you’re 2 different people right?!

Mom's don't cycle? What a strange thing to say/think!

Honestly you need to keep her at arms length. Letting her "in" to provide childcare sounds like it won't work well for you.

I don’t have any other childcare options, and need to earn money to support my family finances. The amount of childcare she is willing to do won’t actually cover the amount of time I need to work in my old job for to get enough money. If I change career there will be a few weeks (say, 6?) where I’m preparing but after that I expect the income to be much higher for each hour I work and I would possibly be able to afford nursery for those hours. It’s those first few weeks I need support.

It's not unreasonable at all for her to say which days/times she's available for the free childcare. She'll have a life/plans herself so you can't expect her to drop everything and work around you.

All the other examples do make her sound a bit nuts however.

She sounds hard work. And a bit mad.

But ultimately it's up to her what childcare she offers to do and why.

If she's changed her mind re childcare find an alternative arrangement. You might find that if you carry on doing what you want she'll come round (when she can see she can't manipulate you!).

What is the new career? This "If I change career there will be a few weeks (say, 6?) where I’m preparing but after that I expect the income to be much higher" makes it sound like you're looking at self employment? Given the risks of financial outlay and no return I could understand her not wanting to donate her time to something that could be futile.

@Lookwhoseinsideagain

What is the new career? This "If I change career there will be a few weeks (say, 6?) where I’m preparing but after that I expect the income to be much higher" makes it sound like you're looking at self employment? Given the risks of financial outlay and no return I could understand her not wanting to donate her time to something that could be futile.

It’s specific and outing so I’d rather not say what it is.

Are you settling up a multilayer marketing "business"?

If so she's quite right not to support that - you won't be better off, you'll be highly unlikely ever to recoup your outlay no matter what idea you've been sold.

In six weeks you're unlikely to retrain for a new and better paid career. Your mum is probably worried about being complicit in you impoverishing yourself and alienating your friends and family by pushing cosmetics/ juices/ vitamins at them over social media...

6 weeks to completely refrain and changed careers?

Well yes that does change this a lot. Do not fall for any MLM, you will not make money from it.

I really hope it's not MLM either - I'd understand why your mother would be so against it and would be trying to push you to stay at your current job.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone... this is not suitable childcare and no decent employer would accept this.

@ThatsNotItAtAll

Are you settling up a multilayer marketing "business"?

If so she's quite right not to support that - you won't be better off, you'll be highly unlikely ever to recoup your outlay no matter what idea you've been sold.

In six weeks you're unlikely to retrain for a new and better paid career. Your mum is probably worried about being complicit in you impoverishing yourself and alienating your friends and family by pushing cosmetics/ juices/ vitamins at them over social media...

No it’s nothing like that, I think MLMs are cons, much like pyramid schemes, sold to desperate people.

It’s a shame she only wants to do childcare if it’s your current job and not something new . Unless it’s illegal I don’t see the issue she either wants to help with childcare or doesn’t . If she refuses then not much you can do if you really want to pursue this new career but don’t be blackmailed into not doing what you want to do not what your mum thinks you should do .

I am not convinced she is controlling.

Sounds to me she agrees to look after your child so you could earn and keep your money and now you are deciding you use that time, to do a hobby (that might eventually) make some money.

I can see her point.

6 weeks of preparation is short, yes, I also have a degree and was training for many years prior to pregnancy. So I’m carrying on from where I left off, using my degree.

You need to do what’s right for you for your career.

You might loose free childcare for it, but you will be better off in the long run.