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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
MRex · 06/04/2022 08:59

Ok, so you've never actually done this before. Why do you think the training will be enough to start earning without any experience? Not to say you shouldn't do this thing as you won't say what it is, but you might find you need a bigger pot of money to dip into.

Turningpurple · 06/04/2022 09:13

not a case of leaving, it’s a case of never starting it. I gained experience and training over years when I was working in low paid jobs to get by. At one point I found myself at a low point and needed to find work, and asked my mum for advice. So that’s how I ended up in her job.

So is this her issue? Whilst training and gain experience before, you also had to work extra low paid jobs and struggled.

She doesn't want to see that again or doesn't see the point in giving up her free time for you still to struggle?

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 06/04/2022 09:31

I’m not sure how to answer these responses. Whatever happens I need a different way of earning money as “her job” won’t cover childcare. I’ve come up with a plan after a lot of research which utilises my skills built up over many years and my degree. It’s in a sector that is a major part of the British economy. My friends and partner think I’m on the right track so I’m going to crack on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 06/04/2022 11:08

I get why people are concerned about leaving “stable employment” but those kind of jobs are 10 a penny. When you don’t need maternity pay in the future it’s so easy just to walk into a low paid job if you’ve had one in the past. So what if my plan doesn’t work out? It’s easy to get another low paying job. I feel like those sort of anxieties is what keeps women in “stable” low paid jobs for years. This thread has given me confidence and also made me realise some of the narcissistic things I grew up with. Thanks.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 11:11

MVision

She probably wanted to help you out in terms of family finance and to support you in generating an income when it wouldn’t work otherwise if you had to pay childcare. I presume you are retraining for no money so I can understand why your mum doesn’t feel she wants to do it now“

Unusual perspective. Surely OP needs the support even more whilst training?

Fletchersgran · 06/04/2022 13:40

If I was your mum I would give you my advice ( on any topic) but then support you in your choices. Maybe explain how you feel and how her attitude affects you but stick to your guns. If it goes wrong then she can say I told you so but if it goes right ( which I'm sure it will) then it's a better future for you and your family . Good luck

Psychofortruth · 06/04/2022 16:00

Well done you and congrats!!!

MRex · 06/04/2022 16:00

@CatbirdOnTheTree

I get why people are concerned about leaving “stable employment” but those kind of jobs are 10 a penny. When you don’t need maternity pay in the future it’s so easy just to walk into a low paid job if you’ve had one in the past. So what if my plan doesn’t work out? It’s easy to get another low paying job. I feel like those sort of anxieties is what keeps women in “stable” low paid jobs for years. This thread has given me confidence and also made me realise some of the narcissistic things I grew up with. Thanks.
I don't think you understand the reason you are being asked. You haven't got career experience and you do not realise the importance of experience; there is a small chance that may not matter in your field but it is likely to. Say you're looking for a role in IT or Media then you must get experience first and that will be much more important than a random course, especially as a junior. Doing some cheap or freebie projects for a few months alongside your day job and then applying for roles would make more sense because it gives you something to say in an interview. If you're setting up a tutoring service then it doesn't matter, just start. If you're getting into engineering then you'll do best getting an apprenticeship. Your mum clearly isn't the right person to advise you, but that doesn't mean advice wouldn't help you.
Psychofortruth · 06/04/2022 16:05

depending on age differences ect, some of the older generation are just like that...

I opened my business (work 16 hours a day) with a little one and he was 6MO when it started, childcare has bee a pain so many times and he has watched "trolls" on repeat maybe 5 time in one day before he was 1 (I may have watched a little)

I've shaved half my head and been white, pink and purple haired in the last 3 years...

I work out, run and had more fun in Flipout that the 10 kids I was hosting yesterday...

You already know your choices is a choice for you and the future of your family, please don't doubt yourself. Even if you get something wrong your doing hard things for good reasons.

something I told my mum many years ago you will always be able to have an opinion in my life and I will love you regardless...

however it will always be up to me if I want to listen something I suggest you try to add into yours and your mums relationship as it sounds like you do love her and value her but just don't necessarily agree with her philosophies.

billy1966 · 06/04/2022 16:06

Well done OP.

Best of luck.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 06/04/2022 16:22

@MRex I think you misunderstand, I had over a decade of experience in what I plan to do, before Covid. I started doing what I wanted and it worked well but I still had a low paid job as a backup. Then Covid put everything on hold, and I had a baby. I plan to go back into the field I have that experience in, I’ve done multiple internships, had one to one training by professionals, got a degree, done short courses, had my work in newspapers, and I have a really big network of contacts.

OP posts:
YmeYnot · 06/04/2022 16:28

I think until you have had experience with a mother/parent like this, it’s hard to understand.
OP I’ve had a very similar parent. Always wanted me to cut my hair short, wear the same clothes as her to work (we briefly worked together). And generally didn’t want the best for me/wasn’t happy when things went well.

My advice to you in terms of help from your mum is to sort your own arrangements out and tell her very little. I’m LC now after 6 years of NC and I feel better for it.

MRex · 06/04/2022 16:35

it worked well but I still had a low paid job as a backup
Sorry, this makes zero sense to me. I simply cannot fathom dropping well-paid work that you enjoyed, for a minimum wage job you disliked, so that you could have a baby. If you genuinely have a decade of experience then pick up some freelance work, rather than waste time and money on a training course. The bonus is that you see if you can actually get work, and you don't need your mum for childcare when you do!

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 06/04/2022 17:11

@MRex

it worked well but I still had a low paid job as a backup Sorry, this makes zero sense to me. I simply cannot fathom dropping well-paid work that you enjoyed, for a minimum wage job you disliked, so that you could have a baby. If you genuinely have a decade of experience then pick up some freelance work, rather than waste time and money on a training course. The bonus is that you see if you can actually get work, and you don't need your mum for childcare when you do!
It wasn’t a case of dropping the work, Covid made it stop. I have been employed in a backup job for years, alongside building my experience. I think freelance work would definitely be good option, with everything considered.
OP posts:
MRex · 06/04/2022 17:59

Ok I think I understand, so it was something equivalent to say sound production at live events, where everything just stopped so you had to do something else quickly. If that's the case then yes, definitely try to dive in with freelance work, and see if any extra training can fit around that so that you get income while you learn. Best of luck with it all!

Watchamocauli · 06/04/2022 18:37

@CatbirdOnTheTree

Don’t take career advice from random strangers of an internet group. You asked about your mum and she is unreasonable that’s all you need to know from here.

I know someone who went from 22k to 90k in 13 years while raising a baby through qualification and job changes. Anything is possible just stay positive through low periods. Good luck!!!

TheyCallMeJune · 07/04/2022 15:28

She sounds like my mum, OP.

When I had my eldest child, my mum said she would have DD a couple of days a week, but not if I went back to my career. She said it I took a 'little' job waitressing or in a shop she'd help out but that she didn't agree with mother's working in career type roles

LoisLane66 · 07/04/2022 18:42

She's bang out of order. When she made the offer did she include the caveat that she would dictate the job/ career you want?
Tell her that you've made up your mind and if she backs out of the babysitting then find another way of managing the childcare. Please don't give up your ambition because your mother wants you to stay at the level of employment she worked at.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 07/04/2022 19:44

I think that a lot of parents (myself included) work and don’t earn much more, if anything when childcare is factored in. Sometimes you have to view it as an investment in your career which will pay off in time.

Money aside - If I were you, I would see this as a red flag. If your DM feels like this it could be an indication of things to come - you could end up butting heads on different issues in regards to your child or your parenting. It could become very frustrating and cause tensions.

TracyMosby · 07/04/2022 19:50

Money aside - If I were you, I would see this as a red flag. If your DM feels like this it could be an indication of things to come - you could end up butting heads on different issues in regards to your child or your parenting. It could become very frustrating and cause tensions.
Exactly. Childcare might be feee. But you will pay for it.

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