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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 13:50

So you do need to go back to your previous job until period expired that you don’t have to repay a year’s maternity pay?

How long do you have to go back for?

TheNameOfTheRoses · 04/04/2022 13:51

'Free help' with conditions isn't free.

Your mum is being controlling and wants to dictate your life. She is using the fcat she has an 'in' with you needing childcare to try and tell you what to do with your life.
It is in the same way that 'women don't cycle' etc....

I would forget her. Prepare yourself the best you can with your DH. CC, he takes some holidays, you jugle things as much as possible for the next two omths and get going. Depending on what sort preparation you need to do, maybe consider doing that in the evenings too.

And then just tell your mum she can come and see the dcs when she feels like it. Not because you need it.

cherish123 · 04/04/2022 13:51

That's ridiculous! Why would she not want you to advance careerwise? She may be jealous. If she is providing childcare, it makes no difference to her what job you are doing.
Mums don't cycle 🙄🤷‍♀️!??

ravenmum · 04/04/2022 13:54

Mumsnet: "Your mum is unsupportive and controlling."
Also Momsnet: "You probably won't make any money, and must tell us what your job is."

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave
Could you keep a straight face while plying her with a story along the lines of "Mum, you inspired me to change careers, as I saw how you entered the career you loved, and put all your energy into it. I want to follow your amazing example and enter the career I love, just like you did."

dworky · 04/04/2022 13:54

Of course it's not acceptable but remember she doesn't owe you child care.

ravenmum · 04/04/2022 13:56

As for the "mums don't cycle" nonsense - she's just reached a stage in her life where she's a bit set in her ways. You don't have to tae any notice. Just answer "Really? I had no idea! Goodness!" and keep cycling. Every time she brings it up.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 04/04/2022 13:57

will she still do child care?

my dm was very disappointed when i changed jobs and no longer needed her to provide child care

Fifteentoes · 04/04/2022 13:58

People who offer to help with things and then muck you about cancelling, not being reliable etc. are generally more trouble than they're worth, and one gets the feeling the "helping" is more about making them feel good than actually contributing what you need practically. That's before even factoring in mothers with poor boundaries sticking their oar where it doesn't belong.

Borrow the money for the initial childcare. Live your life the way that is right for you. Your mother can meet you there or not, it's her choice.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/04/2022 13:59

She is being unreasonable to try to control your life, or to direct your decisions.

Regarding the childcare, I might be able to see her point, depending on what "launching your career" looks like. I can see why you might be happy to do childcare while someone is physically put earning money but less happy if they are doing activities at home that don't earn money.

ChateauMargaux · 04/04/2022 13:59

Take your mother out of the picture, see childcare costs as a family cost not a cost of you working. Work out if it is worth this change of career in the medium to long term, for your family. Work out how to fund it from your family income. Remind your partner, if he needs reminding, that you have already sacrificed your future earning potential by simply becoming pregnant, then by having two lots of maternity leave. If he needs to make sacrifices now, it is likely to go some way towards balancing the sacrifices made to have your family together.

With your mother.. you can either remind her that you are an adult, these are your choices and you would prefer that she supported you as an individual rather than insisted that you affirm her own life choices by following them exactly. ... or... you can say, thanks for your input Mum.. it sounds like you don't agree with my plans, I will have to find a way to do it without your help.

MargosKaftan · 04/04/2022 14:00

Its very hard to comment because even though you've name changed, you aren't providing any info to judge if your mum is being unreasonable or not. It really can't be that outing to say what your new career will be. You really can't be the only person doing it nation wide. (And so what if people realise this is you in RL if you haven't got this linked to any other threads?)

Anyway from the limited info you've provided, it seems your mum is unreasonable, but you can't make her be reasonable, you need her to commit to the full 6 weeks I presume, so can't afford for her to say "I'm not going to do childcare tomorrow".

If you will definitely earn more in 6 weeks time than you would doing your current job, then do you and dh have any savings you can dip into to pay for childcare for this retraining period? Ultimately, if you need 2 wages and you need your mum to offer childcare for free, then she can put whatever strings she wants on that offer.

Chloemol · 04/04/2022 14:07

@CatbirdOnTheTree

I don’t have any other childcare options, and need to earn money to support my family finances. The amount of childcare she is willing to do won’t actually cover the amount of time I need to work in my old job for to get enough money. If I change career there will be a few weeks (say, 6?) where I’m preparing but after that I expect the income to be much higher for each hour I work and I would possibly be able to afford nursery for those hours. It’s those first few weeks I need support.

Could you do these 6 weeks by you and your partner each taking holiday! Then your mother is not required

Nnique · 04/04/2022 14:12

@ChateauMargaux

This is good advice.

No grandparent is obliged to provide childcare, first of all. In cases where there is a controlling/interfering/overbearing parent in the picture it’s usually best not to rely on them for it anyway as it brings up a lot of problems and issues, not least that they usually don’t pay any attention to your instructions on how to look after your child and do whatever the fuck they want whether you agree with it or not. If there is serious dysfunction in the dynamic it can also be potentially very damaging to the child to be in the middle of it long-term. However all that aside the fact of the matter is that she can’t or won’t provide the childcare you want (and absolutely isn’t under any obligation to do so) and it’s your and your partner’s job to figure out how to make it work.

BuanoKubiamVej · 04/04/2022 14:14

"free childcare" that comes at the cost of sabotaging your career and destroying your earnings potential over the next few decades and trapping you in low-paid work permanently is not "free", it is very, very expensive. Much cheaper to say "no thanks mum".

MimosaFields · 04/04/2022 14:16

@FloralsForSpring

Yes, but we need two salaries! One isn’t enough long term it won't be long term though, its just 6 weeks of your course then you're earning again?

I don't get your point. Are you suggesting that the partner takes six weeks off while the OP trains? So basically they live on zero income for 6 weeks?

strawflower · 04/04/2022 14:16

It’s a shame that your mother doesn’t want to support you in changing career, whether that’s because she doesn’t believe in you, is worried for you, has her own hang ups or is a little weird and controlling as the bike and hairstyle comments imply! But not everyone gets the perfect, supportive family we see on tv unfortunately.

(Personally, I made it very clear from my teen years that my own mother had no say in my haircuts etc 😂 and I learned not to take her opinion on important decisions a long time ago)

She doesn’t have to provide free childcare but the weirdest thing about this is she hasn’t said why. That’s the crux of who is being unreasonable or not.

Either way, if you believe in your plan you need to make it happen without your mother’s involvement and my gut says that you’re dodging a bullet long term anyway.

Evenings, weekends, dh holiday, short term pain on childcare costs to get to a point where you can afford paid childcare where you work. Think about how you will make it work.

Good luck!

strawflower · 04/04/2022 14:18

*while you work!

MimosaFields · 04/04/2022 14:18

my guess is that are doing a Project Management qualification, which can be done in such a time frame, and then you'll be going for one of the many jobs available. If that's the case, I would find a temporary nanny for those six weeks. It will be worth it and it will make a clear point to your mother that she cannot dictate how you live your life

Enzbear · 04/04/2022 14:22

In your position I would sort out childcare and have your mum for occasional back up. Your relationship doesn't sound strong enough, you are already criticising each other.

DenholmElliot · 04/04/2022 14:26

Can't you just lie and say your doing your old job?

RowanAlong · 04/04/2022 14:26

Don’t let her in. I think she sounds too interfering! Go for a childminder until the child is pre-school age.

CrazyTimes123 · 04/04/2022 14:29

At least she’s declared her strings now.

Do it without her. If it’s not this it will be something else.

dfendyr · 04/04/2022 14:30

@DenholmElliot

Can't you just lie and say your doing your old job?

sounds like the mum is not reliable at all

OP would be better off just getting proper childcare sorted

dfendyr · 04/04/2022 14:30

@DenholmElliot

Can't you just lie and say your doing your old job?

sounds like the mum is not reliable at all

OP would be better off just getting proper childcare sorted

RantyAunty · 04/04/2022 14:32

Can you just tell her you're doing extra house at your current job?

Is the 6 weeks some type of course or certification training?

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