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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/04/2022 12:50

@CatsArePeople

Put your child into childcare elsewhere. Your mum won’t leave you alone otherwise. It will cost you in terms of money but it’s still worth it long-term.

This. If your mum is this toxic, she will drive a wedge between you and your child as they grow.

She’s showing you loud and clear who she is She’s NOT a friend of your family.

She’s jealous/resentful of you and will do what she can to damage your career/parenting

Whatever it takes to achieve this, get the job training done and never ask her for childcare or allow her any position of power in your life again.

ThatsNotItAtAll · 04/04/2022 12:50

saraclara I think there are two separate issues - 1 is that "six weeks to set up a new well paid career I can't be specific about because it's outing" screams "too good to be true" therefore probably a MLM type money pit or something else where the OP could be exploited one way or another. Hopefully this is not the case. People want to warn her to be careful, not catch her out.

The other is that childcare with strings shouldn't be taken anyway.

The OP seems to have two cans of worms in her life. Unenviable!

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 12:51

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

She was controlling when I was a child, yes. She wanted me to be her. She loves it when I dress like her and act like her.

Ah. I don't want to overreact, but this is really not on and you may decide you don't necessarily want someone like that having so much influence over your DC.

I'm going to bet that you wouldn't even have ended up in your current role if not for her. Even if it wasn't a conscious decision.

Yes there is no way I’d have chosen my job if it wasn’t for my mum helping me to get into that line of work. However that’s mainly because I needed help and it’s the only work she could give me advice on.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/04/2022 12:51

CatbirdOnTheTree

AIBU was the wrong place to ask!

It is absolutely considered unreasonable for GPS to help with childcare so parents can work and it's up to them what you do if they are providing it even if they could cover the hours in the proposed change
It is unreasonable to want to use your degree to get a better paid job when you've got a nice, cosy minimum wage one that won't cover childcare

And how dare you not specify what the job is so that they can tell you you are wrong in your decision.

I don't think you're wrong in the slightest and I would absolutely help you get started

Kdubs1981 · 04/04/2022 12:52

@SunshineAndFizz

It's not unreasonable at all for her to say which days/times she's available for the free childcare. She'll have a life/plans herself so you can't expect her to drop everything and work around you.

All the other examples do make her sound a bit nuts however.

Your first paragraph is nonsense. It's obvious she is trying to control the OP's lifestyle choices. When is a gift not a gift.... when strings are attached
Nanny0gg · 04/04/2022 12:53

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

She was controlling when I was a child, yes. She wanted me to be her. She loves it when I dress like her and act like her.

Ah. I don't want to overreact, but this is really not on and you may decide you don't necessarily want someone like that having so much influence over your DC.

I'm going to bet that you wouldn't even have ended up in your current role if not for her. Even if it wasn't a conscious decision.

^This

And I'd make absolutely sure I didn't possess one item of clothing that she'd wear

Ihaveamagicwand · 04/04/2022 12:53

RobertaFirmino
Your DM sounds resentful and maybe even jealous of you planning to better yourself. Cycling and a new hairstyle equate to looking better (although I'm sure you look great anyway!), I suspect that's why she's trying to put you off.

This!

I recognize this attitude from my mum. She wanted me to almost be a ‘mini-me’ and really kicked up when I started to make my own decisions. It extended to the way I kept house, cooked, dressed and had my hair, parented my children, my job/career - nearly every aspect of my life really. She was also very resentful of opportunities that I had that had been denied her.

The only way I got through it was to disengage from her and not discuss anything which gave her a chance of passing judgment. Now, I look back and think it was very similar to the ‘grey rock’ technique that gets mentioned on MN on a regular basis.

FloralsForSpring · 04/04/2022 12:53

But she offered!

And now she is unoffering

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 12:53

@NdefH81

“Our income”

So you have a partner?

Yes, but we need two salaries! One isn’t enough long term.
OP posts:
ThatsNotItAtAll · 04/04/2022 12:54

NdefH81 she mentioned her partner in the opening post.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2022 12:55

@FloralsForSpring

But she offered!

And now she is unoffering

She offered the 3/4 hours two days a week on order for the OP to return to her current job.

The OP wants 6 weeks of full time childcare to retrain in a new field.

FloralsForSpring · 04/04/2022 12:55

Yes, but we need two salaries! One isn’t enough long term it won't be long term though, its just 6 weeks of your course then you're earning again?

latriciamcneal · 04/04/2022 12:56

I've learned to just not react to anything like that from my parents. So all the questions or pokes to try and get a reaction out of me I just act as though they never happened. They're getting the message. As for childcare, she's said no to spending time with her grandchild while you do this new work thing? Oh well guess she has better things to do. You could ask someone else or yes, just grin and bear working from home with a child that small. I found it impossible at times as she just wanted me to hold her but I was typing so got quite frustrated quite often.

Now she's 6 I work from home happily and she understands not to bother me at times also.

I just take people's answers as they are now. I would take that as a no from mum and just carry on with another plan until she came back with her tail between her legs.

You're not being unreasonable. She can't tell you how to live your life.

Kdubs1981 · 04/04/2022 12:56

@Nanny0gg

CatbirdOnTheTree

AIBU was the wrong place to ask!

It is absolutely considered unreasonable for GPS to help with childcare so parents can work and it's up to them what you do if they are providing it even if they could cover the hours in the proposed change
It is unreasonable to want to use your degree to get a better paid job when you've got a nice, cosy minimum wage one that won't cover childcare

And how dare you not specify what the job is so that they can tell you you are wrong in your decision.

I don't think you're wrong in the slightest and I would absolutely help you get started

This. Move it to relationships and get some proper (none batshit) advice. Good luck OP. I would try and cope without your mum if you can.
FloralsForSpring · 04/04/2022 12:56

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz exactly. Seems fair enough tbh. There's a massive difference between a couple of days and full time.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/04/2022 12:58

Your mum sounds like a moron. She's threatened by the fact that you want to better herself and her observations about mums not cycling and your hair suggest her attitudes are out of the 1950s. Good on you for trying to break the cycle and move past this toxic mindset.

Unfortunately she is free to refuse childcare if she wants to and my guess is that even if she does agree to do it she will make your life miserable.

I know it will be expensive but I think you might be better off biting the bullet and paying for childcare. It is an investment in your future and your mum won't be able to meddle, which is worth its weight in gold.

Good luck.

UnaOfStormhold · 04/04/2022 12:58

Overall it sounds worth your while to make it happen whatever that takes, though I think distracting a child with TV is unlikely to be an effective way to start a new career. And do check that your old employer won't be asking for any enhanced maternity pay to be paid back -- normally there's a minimum term you need to go back for.

LittleShark · 04/04/2022 13:00

Is it possible to share childcare with someone else who wants to work but cannot afford childcare e.g. you look after their child for 2 days while they work, and then they have yours for 2 days while you work?

Your mum's demands are odd.

Have you asked her outright why she doesn't want you to follow your chosen career path? Sounds a bit like jealousy to me, and perhaps she wishes she took more risks when younger?

AllOfUsAreDead · 04/04/2022 13:00

You're either selling something or providing a service surely, that's all it is that you're retraining for. Dunno why you can't say that really, and it does sound a bit dodgy. You yourself aren't even that sure that you'll make good money from this. Maybe that's why your mum isn't keen on it, because she's maybe thinking she'll be left with childcare for weeks and weeks, not just what she offered while you try to get your job going. Might not be keen to potentially get dragged into providing full time childcare for months because you decided to quit a safe job.

gamerchick · 04/04/2022 13:02

From the sounds of it you can't give your mother this much power. She'll pull the rug any time she wants. It sounds like she sees you as an extension of her.

You need a new plan so you can say thanks but no thanks.

Teacupsandtoast · 04/04/2022 13:02

What exactly are you asking her to do? 2 days a week for 3 hours, or 5 days a week for 6 weeks? Is the training/set up doable from home or do you need to be out of the house?

gingerhills · 04/04/2022 13:03

If it were my mum I'd tell a white lie, to reassure her that you don't think the way she lived is beneath you. Something like: I'd stay in that job - it's so perfect to combine with motherhood, but the cost of living is scary these days, it keeps rising, and to ensure we don't get into debt just from paying for the essentials, I've realised I need to have a go at something which will bring more money in.

See if she is more amenable to it if you give her this sort of explanation. You could even tell her the cycling is a money saving scheme too. I think some people get scared, as they get older, of changes they don't understand and want their adult children to cling to things that are familiar for them, as they survived them themselves. Fear of the unknown.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/04/2022 13:04

There could be a mixture of things going on.

One, that she is totally unreasonable about the job/hair/cycling and just wants the OP to continue to be a Mini-Me, created in her own image.

Two, that the anti-cycling thing is the perception of risk (and there is an element of truth in it, not just to cycling as a whole but to women in particular in certain areas) meaning she doesn't think a parent/mother in particular should be taking that additional risk. Or her daughter because she doesn't want her hurt or killed. And the idea for a job isn't as much of a sure thing as the OP thinks it is or is also risky in another way, compared to the type of role she has now, such as in terms of pension, sick pay, parental leave or because it'll mean the OP is entirely dependent upon a spouse who the Mum thinks or suspects isn't as wonderful as he's been made out to be for at least a few months. And even that the haircut really won't suit the OP.

Free childcare can only be provided on the carer's own terms. If she will only do it for one reason, then that's her prerogative. No point getting cross or upset by it, either accept on her terms or find a different childcare solution.

However, it should be borne in mind that sometimes enhanced maternity packages are repayable if the woman doesn't return afterwards. Might be worth double checking there.

skyeisthelimit · 04/04/2022 13:07

OP, YANBU and your mother is batshit to think that she can dictate what job you do.

She might be scared for you that you are leaving a job to do something different, but she should be supporting you not criticising you and putting you down.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 13:07

If you’re income is too high for any universal credit assistance whatsoever, it can’t be that bad?!

And what does your partner think of your change in employment? You mention friends but no mention of what your partner actually thinks. Yes he will financially support transition but what does he think of the plan