My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

[CatbirdOnTheTree]

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

My mum had a choice of 3 jobs for me too - her list was law, accounting or medicine. She was born in the late 1920s and hadn't had the educational opportunities and she was determined that I was not going to stay working class in a low paying job. (Computers were still relatively new in those days or she would have probably found a computer science degree acceptable.) I did law and accounting because I thought (correctly) I was too squeamish for medicine. One of my children is doing medicine. (They thinks it was their idea!)

My mother never gave advice about my professional career unless it was something I specifically asked her for her views on. She was just proud and supportive. She didn't raise an eyebrow about me going back to work six weeks after both my children were born. She wouldn't have dreamed of telling me not to go for a promotion when I had children.

I guess she was willing to provide childcare while you were in stable employment but not while you launch a new career/attend training (a career that may or may not take off, or you may not be able to find a job immediately in your field, or with hours that suit her childcare offer).

I think as you changed the goalposts you need to look into a childminder or nursery.

No its not normal and just because you are used to it doesnt mean your child has to suffer

what if she starts on your dc oh you cant wear that or you cant do that-thats abusive

@Sweepingeyelashes

My mum had a choice of 3 jobs for me too - her list was law, accounting or medicine. She was born in the late 1920s and hadn't had the educational opportunities and she was determined that I was not going to stay working class in a low paying job. (Computers were still relatively new in those days or she would have probably found a computer science degree acceptable.) I did law and accounting because I thought (correctly) I was too squeamish for medicine. One of my children is doing medicine. (They thinks it was their idea!)

My mother never gave advice about my professional career unless it was something I specifically asked her for her views on. She was just proud and supportive. She didn't raise an eyebrow about me going back to work six weeks after both my children were born. She wouldn't have dreamed of telling me not to go for a promotion when I had children.

You mum was lovely and supportive. She didn't want life to be harder for you.

My mum was born in the late 20s too. Amazing the difference in attitudes.

I did get the Computer science degrees! She refused to go to my graduation.

I've made peace with it now. I can't imagine being so jealous and sabotaging to my own children.

Your mum sounds like a cow! Go for it with your new career and see if there's a child minder locally, cheaper than nursery

My mum has a whole load of rigid ideas about how the world works, rules you follow at certain ages etc. I think most of the time, she just says these things without thinking as they are the rules she has unquestioningly followed all her life...but other times I think she does speak from a position of some jealousy and resentment arising from the very different way I have lived my life.

Some examples:

You leave school at 16 and get a job in an office and work your way up (until having children). I ignored this and went to uni. She treated me like a workshy waster for years because of this. It was also surprising to her that I went back to work after mat leave.

Sport is for "other people" -you don't dabble unless you are on your way to the Olympics. I kind of took that to heart and felt I wasn't sporty for a long time. Now, at 46 (and a mother of 3) I cycle, a lot...

After 40 you have short hair and wear modest clothes. I have long hair and wear whatever I feel comfortable in.

To be honest, even though I don't take it personally, parental approval is hard to ignore so I've managed the situation with distance. I don't ask or rely on her for anything. I don't invite any comment on my life choices. I couldn't have her involved in childcare. Keeping this distance keeps everything less stressful and more civilised.

Sounds like she's still trying to parent you and is getting upset that you're behaving as a grown adult.
I had that issue with my mum too 🙄
Do you have to tell her what you're doing when you leave the house and she's babysitting? Is there any harm in letting her think you're trotting off to your old job like the obedient little girl she still wants you to be?

She is well within her rights to retract her offer if she thinks she’s enabling you to make a mistake.

It's sad that your mum feels threatened that you would branch out, move on from the job (cage) she had to live in all these years. Her reaction is understandable, a sad sort of envy, but not one that you should encourage or capitulate to. Try being honest and understanding and let her know that you are not putting her life choices down by moving on to a better (hopefully) job/lifestyle. Maybe if she feels that you still validate her choice, and respect that she had to struggle in that (limiting) job in order to feed you, she will feel better about herself and about you.

Whether or not she chooses to babysit for you should not be part of the discussion at this point: your relationship with your mother and her ability to resolve her clear unhappiness with HER own life choices should be all that you address, and if you have to, you can find other child care providers until she reconciles herself to your choice.

@AryaStarkWolf

Mom's don't cycle? What a strange thing to say/think!

Does she think the saddle will cause inappropriate tingling of the lady parts.

Sometimes I can’t believe the crap that people have to put up with. Someone is doing you a favour ( in this case a mother) and they think they can dictate everything you do.
And I have no sympathy with theories about why people act in an unreasonable way. Sod the psychology. That’s their problem.
I hope you can sort things out. 😘

Your mum sounds scared. Maybe that once you realise what you want, she wont be needed. Maybe scared you will condemn her for low paid work. Maybe scared you will think she didnt do enough for you. Maybe she is scared you will realise she knew she needed to do more and couldnt/wouldnt. Maybe her mum did to her what she is doing to you?
She is being daft but dont cut her loose. Hold her tight and tell her you love her. Get her to get a bike and go cycling together. help her help you. Life is too short cutting off your parents. They may not be right but they love you.

I hope that you have taken some positivity from your post. Your career choice is exactly that, YOURS. While you may not alone in the type of behaviour from your normal it is certainly not healthy behaviour for a mother towards her child.

From what I read is that you want to continue with a career that you studied for and interests you. You have an interest in staying healthy and benefiting the environment by cycling. Your haircut is one that you like, you wear it everyday so it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of it.

Maybe just ask your mother directly why she feels the need to criticise your choices? Try at your can’t imagine wanting to force your opinion on your child.

Your mum doesn’t sound like she would be a reliable form of childcare.

Have you looked into childminders rather than nursery? If you’re going to be working part time or shifts where only part day or a short day is needed they often work out cheaper than nursery as you pay per hour and not per day.

Also you could be eligible for tax free childcare, where government will pay 20% towards childcare. You can use your tax free account to pay for childminders (if they are registered to accept), nurseries, and some after school and holiday clubs (for when DC is older). www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare

Good for you, this opportunity sounds great I would want to communicate to your mum how great she is but you are your own person now with your own responsibilities.

She should be supportive of anything you want to do as adults our parents can advise and support us. But we need to take risks and learn from our own mistakes.
Does she realise she is making you feel like this?
Good luck your family will be proud of you for trying to better yourself. Its inspiring for many who have low self esstem. I also have a degree and have left a low paid job to persue a more fulfilling career. Times have changed x

Do what is right for you and your family. You may have to find alternative childcare.

@Mumofthreeteenagers

Your mum sounds scared. Maybe that once you realise what you want, she wont be needed. Maybe scared you will condemn her for low paid work. Maybe scared you will think she didnt do enough for you. Maybe she is scared you will realise she knew she needed to do more and couldnt/wouldnt. Maybe her mum did to her what she is doing to you? She is being daft but dont cut her loose. Hold her tight and tell her you love her. Get her to get a bike and go cycling together. help her help you. Life is too short cutting off your parents. They may not be right but they love you.

I feel like you’ve got this. Those thoughts have been in my mind for a while as I reflected on my own upbringing during pregnancy. I also agree with what you said at the end.

@Franingo

Good for you, this opportunity sounds great I would want to communicate to your mum how great she is but you are your own person now with your own responsibilities.

She should be supportive of anything you want to do as adults our parents can advise and support us. But we need to take risks and learn from our own mistakes.
Does she realise she is making you feel like this?
Good luck your family will be proud of you for trying to better yourself. Its inspiring for many who have low self esstem. I also have a degree and have left a low paid job to persue a more fulfilling career. Times have changed x

Times have changed! Yes. What used to seem impossible (for women?) is now possible.

@CatbirdOnTheTree

I’m finding these replies hard to digest as I haven’t really seen it from a different perspective before. One of my friends commented at one point “it’s like she doesn’t know you”.

She knows you and she isn't interested. If you want some practical advice, there is entry on this thread. However having experienced this personally, I would advise you to get the book 'it's not you, it's your mother'. This book changed my life. I am now finishing my degree, I am a teacher and I have a career. She tried to control and sabotage everything I did because I outgrew her. You don't need approval from MN. You already know what shebis doing is unreasonable and you DH supports you. See if you can find a childminder in your area or work in the evening with DH supporting you. You can work nights, evenings, weekends to pull in the hours you need.

*plenty of advice!

@CatbirdOnTheTree Could you look for a childminder close to the place you will be retraining/studying, rather than close to home? This would cut the hours you need down. Also look at tax-free childcare which will help you.

I think this is a great opportunity for you to start a new career, good luck

Good for you being brave enough to change careers.

Yes your mum isn’t obliged to provide childcare for your children but her offer doesn’t give her any right to dictate what you do with your career so you are not being unreasonable.

Good luck with your venture, I hope you get the encouragement you need from your mum and it all works out for you!!

I think your mum is just concerned about you losing out on income from a salary instead and going into uncertainty. It might also feel like a bit of a snub that you are ditching her old job, its like you are saying its not good enough for you so she is not good enough for you. Obviously you are not thinking or saying that, but it might be good to have a conversation about that.

Our Mums come from a different generation so they will have old fashioned ideas (like mums don't cycle) so you could get her into cycling or start pointing out every woman on a bike just to open her eyes to the changing world. I would highly recommend to get a child seat on your bike, its fab. My son used to love it. When your Mum sees how much DC loves it, it might change her mind.

You'll have to find childcare another way. There's no need to make it difficult on any of you by struggling against that, you just act like the adult you are and pay your own way.

It's hard to understand why someone would leave a lucrative actual career for low-paid work, just for a bit of maternity pay. Even self employed you would have got Maternity Allowance, the higher income during pregnancy, plus the ability to earn small amounts during your maternity leave; if your "career" is genuinely well-paid then you would have earned far more sticking with it. So, did you make a mistake there or is this not really the career you think? It's equally hard to understand what job needs just 6 weeks of training to suddenly be well-paid; most jobs rely on experience at some level. You're entitled to your privacy, but be aware that means people can't actually help you with advice. You really will not be the only person in the country doing this, or there wouldn't even be a training course.

@MRex

You'll have to find childcare another way. There's no need to make it difficult on any of you by struggling against that, you just act like the adult you are and pay your own way.

It's hard to understand why someone would leave a lucrative actual career for low-paid work, just for a bit of maternity pay. Even self employed you would have got Maternity Allowance, the higher income during pregnancy, plus the ability to earn small amounts during your maternity leave; if your "career" is genuinely well-paid then you would have earned far more sticking with it. So, did you make a mistake there or is this not really the career you think? It's equally hard to understand what job needs just 6 weeks of training to suddenly be well-paid; most jobs rely on experience at some level. You're entitled to your privacy, but be aware that means people can't actually help you with advice. You really will not be the only person in the country doing this, or there wouldn't even be a training course.

It’s not a case of leaving, it’s a case of never starting it. I gained experience and training over years when I was working in low paid jobs to get by. At one point I found myself at a low point and needed to find work, and asked my mum for advice. So that’s how I ended up in her job.