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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:

Original poster

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 13:08

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz No that’s not true, I would never ask my mum to do full time childcare. It’s always been a loose agreement that she’d do about 2 days a week for about 3/4 hours and my partner would do the rest. My partner works full time.

OP posts:

Jammybadger · 04/04/2022 13:09

If you say ‘ok mum, fair enough if you won’t do the childcare but this is what I want to do so I’ve made alternative arrangements’ she’ll probably backtrack and look after her grandchild anyway. She is using this situation to control you and you have to show that this isn’t going to happen.

LimeSegment · 04/04/2022 13:10

Your mum shouldn't be critisizing you but if the only barrier is six weeks child care, that's nothing really. Your dp could take annual leave plus savings and/or a personal loan or credit card to cover the rest.

I'm sympathetic because my mum is also very critical. But looking at it from your mums pov as well - I wouldn't be happy if my adult child blamed me saying I ruined their career by not looking after their dc for six weeks. She's got nothing to do with the whole situation really, what would you do for childcare if she lived abroad, was dead, too frail or just flat out didn't want to like many people - do that.

steff13 · 04/04/2022 13:11

Yes there is no way I’d have chosen my job if it wasn’t for my mum helping me to get into that line of work. However that’s mainly because I needed help and it’s the only work she could give me advice on.

Don't you have a degree and experience in the other field you're trying to get into now? This makes it sound like you just took your current job because you couldn't figure out how to get a job without your mom's help.

NameChangeCity123 · 04/04/2022 13:11

She doesn't get to decide that, it's your choice. She either babysits regardless of what you're doing or she doesn't. She doesn't get to dictate to you what your career is .hope you enjoy your new job

Original poster

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 13:12

@NdefH81

If you’re income is too high for any universal credit assistance whatsoever, it can’t be that bad?!

And what does your partner think of your change in employment? You mention friends but no mention of what your partner actually thinks. Yes he will financially support transition but what does he think of the plan

My partner thinks it is a good plan and wants me to try it out. He thinks my mum doesn’t understand what I do/want to do, because she has never seen it in action. I tried a few years ago to get her to see it. But she never pays much attention!

OP posts:

dfendyr · 04/04/2022 13:14

[quote CatbirdOnTheTree]@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz No that’s not true, I would never ask my mum to do full time childcare. It’s always been a loose agreement that she’d do about 2 days a week for about 3/4 hours and my partner would do the rest. My partner works full time.[/quote]
how will your partner be able to look after your DC for all that time and work fulltime? your mum is doing basically 1 day a week (FTE)

Original poster

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 13:15

@steff13

Yes I have a degree and experience. However I took my current job because of the maternity package. It was what I was doing while I gained experience over the years. A safety net. I’m in a position to leave it now, my mum doesn’t want to do childcare if I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 13:17

@dfendyr yes indeed! Which is why I need to change career.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2022 13:20

@AllOfUsAreDead

You're either selling something or providing a service surely, that's all it is that you're retraining for. Dunno why you can't say that really, and it does sound a bit dodgy. You yourself aren't even that sure that you'll make good money from this. Maybe that's why your mum isn't keen on it, because she's maybe thinking she'll be left with childcare for weeks and weeks, not just what she offered while you try to get your job going. Might not be keen to potentially get dragged into providing full time childcare for months because you decided to quit a safe job.

Why assume so much?

Why can we never take what posters say at face value?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 04/04/2022 13:23

I think you need to sort out childcare and do what you want to do. You’ve put your mother in a position to have power over you by relying on her. So remove that power.

It really is hard to say for sure if you leaving this job to start on the other career is a good one or not without the details, but ultimately that’s not what you asked about.

Bottom line, it doesn’t matter what your mother thinks as long as you don’t involve her.

As an aside, please all who are thinking of putting themselves in a position where they are dependent on someone, parents, spouse, partner, friends, whatever… think long and hard about doing this. It may be the easy route, but it is rarely the better option.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2022 13:24

Did you receive enhanced maternity pay? If you don't return they can claim it back.

Mimijamroll · 04/04/2022 13:25

She sounds difficult and a bit mad.

Many mums cycle. even grandmas do.

user1471538283 · 04/04/2022 13:27

My DM was like this. She never looked after my DS but thought everything I did was either easy or a waste of time. She was so negative I ended up no contact.

You need paid for childcare.

billy1966 · 04/04/2022 13:27

OP,

Your mother is very controlling and that is not good for you or your child.

You need to step away from this woman who is trying to dominate you.

Forget about your mother.

Focus on how you can make this plan work without her.

Would friends help?
A low cost loan for childcare?
A neighbour?

Anyone that can help you.

Your mother wants you under her control, that is unhealthy and abusive.

You have to make this work somehow and in the process step far away from your mother.

Help with conditions are horrible.

She is not a good mother to do that.

Find another way and life your life without her interference.

Original poster

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 13:28

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Did you receive enhanced maternity pay? If you don't return they can claim it back.

I know, but that’s a short amount of time. It’s not like I’m obligated to be in their employ for a year afterwards or anything like that.

OP posts:

Dinoasaurme · 04/04/2022 13:28

Sounds just like my mum OP. I would be cutting any obligations with her. You don't need to be tied to her in this way. You need to find a way to kickstart your new career without her help. If she wasn't around, how would you do it? There will be a way, you just need to find it.

cantbecoping · 04/04/2022 13:29

Maybe she thinks you are taking a huge risk on something that may not work out. Without any details it is hard to say but at the end of the day your mother holds the power of childcare rightly or wrongly. You will have to find alternative care. That's the bottom line.

CheesyMother · 04/04/2022 13:38

@CatbirdOnTheTree - you seem to think that you’re not entitled to any help with childcare costs, but unless your partner earns more than £100k then you will be entitled to tax free childcare (www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare) which is worth up to £500 every three months.

Pumpfive · 04/04/2022 13:39

It's really hard to comment or help without knowing the job if I'm honest. And you keep saying 'but we don't have alternative childcare' but that isn't your mum's fault is it? You chose to have a child and children need looking after 24/7 whether by the parents/ family members/ friends / paid childcare. You must have thought about this.

Lemons1571 · 04/04/2022 13:40

Sounds to me like she will keep letting you down and not turning up because in her eyes “you’re not really working”.

If all she really wants is a sit down, tea and a chat, it will never work. You’ll be doing the childcare and hosting at the same time. No work will get done.

You need to accept she will or can not provide what you need. Irrelevant which. Sort out something that’s actually reliable and workable, or wait until such a time that this becomes possible.

BuanoKubiamVej · 04/04/2022 13:44

If the crossover before you can start earning better money is really only 6 weeks then it's much better to take a loss for that 6 weeks rather than relying on your mum for childcare. Conditional childcare between family members never ends well even without thiswhole thing about your career choices. If they are doing the caring for free it is very difficult to be confident that any of your preferences and needs will actually be accommodated. You can and should go for it in uplifting your career. Make other arrangements for childcare - ideally look for another mum with a similar aged child whose childcare needs can jigsaw into your own, but if you can't make that work then you'll have to pay for it and yes that will mean living beyond your means for a few weeks but then you'll be able to get back to where you should be when the higher income starts coming in.

Meanwhile just let your mum know that her childcare services are no longer needed because you won't be controlled by her. Add to that the fact that she will be seeing a lot less of her grandchild than otherwise because obviously you'll be mainly wanting 1:1 time with your baby when you aren't at work so she'll need to accept that's a consequence of her decision to try to control you. The last thing you want is your weekends dominated by her griping about what she thinks you should have been doing in the week.

stairgates · 04/04/2022 13:45

The small debt if possible for the 6 weeks professional childcare is going to be the best option. Your mum is going to try and trip you up even if she agrees to go along with it, what a shame, Id be excited if my children were trying their own thing! and help where I could.

Loopytiles · 04/04/2022 13:46

Your mum’s opinions on your choices re paid work are unreasonable. If you can’t fully rely on her to provide free childcare would look at other, paid childcare options.

Childcare is a household expense, and even if in the short term its a cost without enabling immediate income it’s a good investment .

Especially if you’re not married / not wealthy - it’s vital for you personally to seek as well paid work as possible. You can’t afford to make work compromises and facilitate your DP’s personal earnings.

godmum56 · 04/04/2022 13:49

you do really know that you are yanbu don't you?

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