My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

[CatbirdOnTheTree]

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

You’ve taken a years maternity leave?

So even though low paid
Presumably a rather good maternity package?

I know you need support but again, your mother isn't obliged to provided this. You need to look at other options, and I know this is difficult, I have three.

Also for your peace of mind it's probably better to have someone else look after your dc rather than someone you don't always see eye to eye with.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If you need childcare for six weeks for training, and your mother is not able/not willing to provide this, then you and dh need to sort it.

He could take a fornights annual leave, then four weeks childcare could be paid from savings (if any), or on a credit card to be repaid once in work.

Yes I feel this is what I’m going to have to do.

mums don’t cycle

I suspect Dame Laura Kenny would have a lot to say about that!

Your DM sounds resentful and maybe even jealous of you planning to better yourself. Cycling and a new hairstyle equate to looking better (although I'm sure you look great anyway!), I suspect that's why she's trying to put you off.

@NdefH81

You’ve taken a years maternity leave?

So even though low paid
Presumably a rather good maternity package?

Yes but I’m not planning on having more children. Maternity package was why I applied for a low paid, low prospects job when i have better qualifications and experience.

Put your child into childcare elsewhere. Your mum won’t leave you alone otherwise. It will cost you in terms of money but it’s still worth it long-term.

This. If your mum is this toxic, she will drive a wedge between you and your child as they grow.

[quote CatbirdOnTheTree]@LibrariesGiveUsPower after 6 weeks I’ll easily be able to bring in an income. Of course there is no guarantee with anything but I’m experienced and I know what is possible. I did it briefly before Covid and was going to quit my job then. But stayed because of Covid.[/quote]
Great, crack on then. You might not get childcare from your mother, but to be honest if she’s playing games like that you’re better not to anyway. It’ll be hard at first but it will be worth it.

@RedskyThisNight

Has she always been controlling?

my mother did something a bit similar - she refused to ever babysit my children as she disapproved of my working (she thought mums shouldn't work) but happily babysat for my SIL all the time as she was a SAHP. But basically she's been like this my whole life, so I didn't expect any different.

I'm not sure how childcare of 2 days of 3 or 4 hours will really help you long term tbh - surely you can't earn much during that time? You might have to put your plans on hold and rethink in the short term.

Thank you for your comment. I feel like you get it. You’re right, what she has offered won’t really get me very much time for work, she really just wants to come over for a cup of tea and a sit down. Of course, she’s not obliged to do anything, but she offered this help, which has conditions! She’s always changing her mind or too busy. So when I take her up on her offer she tries to make excuses about why she can’t do it. Maybe she doesn’t want to? She was controlling when I was a child, yes. She wanted me to be her. She loves it when I dress like her and act like her.

You'll just have to take the hit then. You can't expect free childcare.

What's with all the 'third degree' questioning of the OP? None of the detail has any bearing on the question in the OP. I really don't understand why some posters want to cross-examine OPs in order to find something wrong.

Can I ask

If this is such a great opp

Why didn’t you take pre children?

the OP said, she did do it but covid got in the way

However, It’s specific and outing so I’d rather not say what it is

how is a job specific and outing on national, in fact, international website?

@saraclara

What's with all the 'third degree' questioning of the OP? None of the detail has any bearing on the question in the OP. I really don't understand why some posters want to cross-examine OPs in order to find something wrong.

Because she’s about to Jack in a job that although low paid is Secure by the sounds of it Has enabled her to take a years maternity leave (so enhanced package can’t be that bad) And She doesn’t seem aware of the 80% childcare cost refund she would be entitled to

She sounds difficult and you need to find a way to cover 6 weeks childcare without her. I am a bit dubious about your new career from the way you describe it, but she sounds like someone best avoided anyway.

@yellowsuninthesky

the OP said, she did do it but covid got in the way

However, It’s specific and outing so I’d rather not say what it is

how is a job specific and outing on national, in fact, international website?

When you know that the “job” in question is likely to lead posters to be about her decision

She is jealous of you .
I say that as someone with adult DC who watched the same dynamic play out with a friend ~ in my case my friend was the mother. She sabotaged anything her daughter did to improve her prospects. Unsurprisingly they no longer speak.

@yellowsuninthesky

the OP said, she did do it but covid got in the way

However, It’s specific and outing so I’d rather not say what it is

how is a job specific and outing on national, in fact, international website?

The world is smaller than you think.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I don’t have any other childcare options, and need to earn money to support my family finances

But this isn't your mother's problem.

But she offered!

@NdefH81 80% childcare when? I’m pretty sure that starts age 3. Our income is too high for universal credit so, I don’t think anything before that age applies.

She was controlling when I was a child, yes. She wanted me to be her. She loves it when I dress like her and act like her.

Ah. I don't want to overreact, but this is really not on and you may decide you don't necessarily want someone like that having so much influence over your DC.

I'm going to bet that you wouldn't even have ended up in your current role if not for her. Even if it wasn't a conscious decision.

Sorry, I am not a hundred percent clear. Is there an actually job at the end of the six weeks or will you be job seeking.? What is the job market in this area like at present and what impact the current situations will impact on it. I know a couple of friends who retrained in something that there is a huge need for. However it is a job that has to be funded within the education sectors and funding is being constantly cut and the number of jobs available are practically nil despite the huge need.

Either way I do not think that your mother will be reliable childcare. Sounds like she could withdraw it at short notice if she does not like something you do/

[quote CatbirdOnTheTree]@NdefH81 80% childcare when? I’m pretty sure that starts age 3. Our income is too high for universal credit so, I don’t think anything before that age applies.[/quote]
No you are thinking about nursery 30 hours

This is totally different

Do you receive universal credit? If so, then entitled to it.

I would look for absolutely any way to make it work without her help. Annual leave for your partner, find a local teenager who could help you out. Could you go back to the low paid job for a short period and save enough to cover some time with a childminder for those six weeks? I can’t work out if you need to start on a specific date, so that may not work. Good luck!

“Our income”

So you have a partner?