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Original poster

My mum wants to dictate what work I do while she does childcare

245 replies

CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 11:28

My mum offered to do some free childcare (2 days a week, 3/4 hours) for me as there isn’t any available for 1 year olds, and nursery costs the same as my salary factoring in commuting cost and time. Due to that issue of low pay I have decided to change career and have been planning it during my mat leave. I’ve got a great plan which I’m confident with, and I’ve been checking it with friends who agree it’s reasonable and not bonkers.

My mum is getting angry at me because she wants me to continue with the low paid job, which is also coincidentally her previous job. She doesn’t want to do childcare while I launch my new career, even though financially it makes no difference to her, as my partner will support the transition.

I feel like by wanting to better my career she is taking this as an insult to her former job, the job I’m trying to leave. I might have to just put the tv on more to distract my child while I work this out alone...

My mum also gets angry at me for wanting to cycle (“mums don’t cycle”) or wanting a new hairstyle (“it won’t suit your face anymore, you’re too old”) and I don’t know whether she is being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
ThatsNotItAtAll · 04/04/2022 11:59

CatbirdOnTheTree I'm glad to hear it.

I can understand your mum being sceptical about anything you can train for from home with the TV on for your toddler being an improvement on established if minimum wage secure employment though!

Most small business owners start at the evenings and weekends while still doing the day job.

MN is massive an most things (learning a specific beauty treatment or setting up an Etsy or catering business for example) are actually common as pebbles on a beach... but if you cannot say what you are going to get done in six weeks fair enough - it means that comments on the thread will be equally vague and meaningless.

Good luck - but be careful especially about burning bridges or shelling out money you can't afford.

Itwasntme101 · 04/04/2022 12:00

Its not necessarily self employment or an MLM, my friend had to do several weeks full time hours to train for 111 so it could be something like that.

purplecorkheart · 04/04/2022 12:00

To be honest I wonder is your change of career realistic in the current climate? You say it has te potential to earn more money an hour but will that actually come to reality.

It is not selling something /mlm?

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 04/04/2022 12:01

@CatbirdOnTheTree

6 weeks of preparation is short, yes, I also have a degree and was training for many years prior to pregnancy. So I’m carrying on from where I left off, using my degree.
Is it your own business if some sort? Is it guaranteed to make money after 6 months? Or will you need to keep reinvesting in stock or equipment?

Asking as a self employed business owner, it took me 18 months to make a salary out of it, and that’s doing well.

PerseverancePays · 04/04/2022 12:01

Strangely some parents are very threatened by their children 'bettering' themselves and will actively discourage and sabotage their child's dreams.
Can you tell your mother, as you need her help, that you want to try this new thing out, and if it doesn't work, you will go back to the familiar, safe, badly paid old job?

Nnique · 04/04/2022 12:01

Ok. So it sounds like your plan is sound then. Of course it’s worth investing some time into training if it’ll benefit your income afterwards and into the future. Does your mum have a chip on her shoulder about your education/degree and so on? Her attitude is very odd.

Is there no childminder you could use?

Itwasntme101 · 04/04/2022 12:01

Although 111 they don't work from home

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 04/04/2022 12:02

*6 weeks not months.

Patchbatch · 04/04/2022 12:02

Whilst she is wildly unreasonable, if she will refuse to do childcare whilst your pursue your new career (which sounds brilliant BTW) then what can you do except find an alternative.

purplecorkheart · 04/04/2022 12:04

Sorry ignore my last message. Had to answer phone and did not see your reply when posted

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2022 12:04

I don’t have any other childcare options, and need to earn money to support my family finances

But this isn't your mother's problem.

BungleandGeorge · 04/04/2022 12:05

Depends what you’re plans are. If you’re giving up a stable paid employment without a reasonable certainty of gaining a better employment I can see why she wouldn’t want to provide free childcare. I think she offered so that you could continue working and earning money. But you can do without the income for 6 weeks and is their guaranteed stable employment afterwards?

ThatsNotItAtAll · 04/04/2022 12:05

CatbirdOnTheTree sorry cross posted.

If you're completing vocational post graduate training that's different obviously and she's fairly unreasonable not to support that if she had the time and inclination to support you working minimum wage!

If you've trained for years and can finish in six weeks you need to crack on obviously.

I don't understand why you'd think finishing a masters or PhD or vocational doctorate or postgraduate certificate/diploma is outing though - there's an entire MN board for mature students and thousands of MNers doing postgraduate study!

Patchbatch · 04/04/2022 12:06

Also no youre not being unreasonable to want to better your prospects, sounds like she is threatened by you doing so- the problem is firmly with her and I feel you will always have caveats to childcare she provides.

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 12:12

@LibrariesGiveUsPower after 6 weeks I’ll easily be able to bring in an income. Of course there is no guarantee with anything but I’m experienced and I know what is possible. I did it briefly before Covid and was going to quit my job then. But stayed because of Covid.

OP posts:
Anycrispsleft · 04/04/2022 12:14

I guess that if your mother totally withdraws her offer of childcare, you probably won't be financially any better off if you change jobs, because childcare is bloody expensive. But it would be worth it so you didn't have to relay on her any more. Imagine the next time you do something she disapproves of, is she going to withdraw childcare then too?

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 12:15

So you have a degree in this job or similar, trained for many years, but only need a 6 week refresher course to start doing it. Despite you the fact that you never did the job or ha ent for a long time.

It requires the degree and year and years of training AND is a lot more lucrative that your current job.....but still won't pay enough to cover child care?

Watermelon44 · 04/04/2022 12:16

I suppose it depends if after the 6 weeks there is a guaranteed job and income? Ie a secure job. Or does it mean you’d be looking for a job after the 6 weeks?

Or are you setting up as self employed eg beauty or accounts or similar, in which case is it better to start weekends and evenings while your dp is home? And do your old job a couple of days a week to keep some money coming in , in case it doesn’t work out?

I think it depends on the above. If it’s the first then she’s being unreasonable, if it’s the second, she isn’t.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:16

My guess is oh have a very low income
You will be entitled to a lot of childcare support
80% gov contribution

Op - you don’t want your child around someone like this

Dixiechickonhols · 04/04/2022 12:16

You can’t force her to provide free childcare. Without saying what job is we can only guess what her objection is. Is she worried re viability of new business? Is she worried re job security - preferring you to have stability, sick pay pension even if low paid. Is it something people could view negatively eg only fans. Is it something unrealistic eg you are trying to be a barrister with a 3rd class degree. If you’ve only canvassed peers sometimes older people can see pitfalls younger don’t as they now people stuffed by lack of pension etc.

NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:17

You won’t be entitled to that 80% refund for childcare if you start dabbling with plans and projects though

Original poster
CatbirdOnTheTree · 04/04/2022 12:17

@Turningpurple

So you have a degree in this job or similar, trained for many years, but only need a 6 week refresher course to start doing it. Despite you the fact that you never did the job or ha ent for a long time.

It requires the degree and year and years of training AND is a lot more lucrative that your current job.....but still won't pay enough to cover child care?

It would pay enough to cover childcare. That’s why I want to do it.
OP posts:
NdefH81 · 04/04/2022 12:19

Who cares if it’s outing op

You name changed to start the thread

You have no doubt told your friends anyway about your mother and details of the 6 weeks etc

So just tell us what you’re thinking of moving in to - because at present all put alarm bells are ringing

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/04/2022 12:19

If you need childcare for six weeks for training, and your mother is not able/not willing to provide this, then you and dh need to sort it.

He could take a fornights annual leave, then four weeks childcare could be paid from savings (if any), or on a credit card to be repaid once in work.

RedskyThisNight · 04/04/2022 12:20

Has she always been controlling?

my mother did something a bit similar - she refused to ever babysit my children as she disapproved of my working (she thought mums shouldn't work) but happily babysat for my SIL all the time as she was a SAHP. But basically she's been like this my whole life, so I didn't expect any different.

I'm not sure how childcare of 2 days of 3 or 4 hours will really help you long term tbh - surely you can't earn much during that time? You might have to put your plans on hold and rethink in the short term.