Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how many couples stay together for the kids?

199 replies

Pointles · 04/04/2022 06:48

Just that really. There must be loads or is this crazy? My parents did and I'm heading down the same route.

Anyone else?

(This thread isn't svout whether it's good for the kids or not. If anyone is interested a lot of research seems to show that unless the relationship is abusive or toxic it unfortunately is better for the kids if the parents stay together though that depends of course on the individual situation.)

OP posts:
Ikeptgoing · 04/04/2022 07:04

Yea. I know two couples where husband and wife no longer do things together, barely talk to each other, take child out separately if they can but also do family days id important, who will be splitting up once child left home- either before or after Uni.

They are lovely people, wife had told me in each case that they are staying together for the child. They each really live very very separate lives. There is no going out together if child isn't included.

Anythingbutsnow · 04/04/2022 07:06

Isn't staying together for the kids a good reason to stay together?

Trixiefirecracker · 04/04/2022 07:07

My sister did and a couple of my friends are doing so. It’s pretty toxic so I think it would be better if they just divorced tbh, kids are not stupid and the atmosphere is awful.

DrSbaitso · 04/04/2022 07:08

I think a lot of people say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the lifestyle.

Certainly understandable with the current COL crisis.

Ikeameatballs · 04/04/2022 07:11

@DrSbaitso

I think a lot of people say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the lifestyle.

Certainly understandable with the current COL crisis.

This!
Mummadeze · 04/04/2022 07:12

We are. Neither of us want to live with our child part time. We both want to see her every day. No way round it!

Subbaxeo · 04/04/2022 07:12

Tough one. I think lots do-although splitting when the kids have gone to uni isn’t ideal either. We split when our kids were young and at that age were very accepting. I couldn’t imagine splitting with teens or above.

ChiselandBits · 04/04/2022 07:15

As a pp said, I think it's not just the kids per se but the whole set up: finances, childcare etc. If you run along OK, don't hate each other, just quite separate people, there are worse things.

hellcatspangle · 04/04/2022 07:18

I think plenty of people stay together not just for the kids, but for the family lifestyle generally.

Obviously if you're screaming and yelling at each other all the time it makes for a toxic atmosphere that's no good for anyone but if you generally get along ok it can work.

I think if we hadn't got kids we probably wouldn't be together, it's just felt easier over the years to stick it out and not upset the applecart, and neither of us could face the stress and upheaval. Sad really.

Original poster
Pointles · 04/04/2022 07:18

@Mummadeze

We are. Neither of us want to live with our child part time. We both want to see her every day. No way round it!
Yes. That's it for us as well. Neither of us wants to be part time parent. We used to discuss divorce till we realised this. And since both of us are quite involved parents as well I think the kids wouldn't take it well at all of we split.

I'm curious but did you discuss this and decide to stay together for the kids? Are you still trying to improve your relationship so that maybe one day it won't be just for the kids anymore?

OP posts:
Confrontayshunme · 04/04/2022 07:22

I see people recommend splitting up a lot, but most people stay with their partner because it is easier, not for the kids. The thing I think is HUGELY unreasonable is staying together then divorcing when your child goes to uni or is a young adult. I have known 5 or 6 friends whose own relationships and feelings were so damaged by that happening.

TheRossatron · 04/04/2022 07:25

I think a lot of people just can't afford to split up to be honest

Original poster
Pointles · 04/04/2022 07:26

@Confrontayshunme

I see people recommend splitting up a lot, but most people stay with their partner because it is easier, not for the kids. The thing I think is HUGELY unreasonable is staying together then divorcing when your child goes to uni or is a young adult. I have known 5 or 6 friends whose own relationships and feelings were so damaged by that happening.
Why do you think that's worse?
OP posts:
YouAreShoutingAtTea · 04/04/2022 07:27

We’ve just decided this, it’s kind of reassuring that other people are doing it!
We don’t hate each other, we just grew apart and are in no rush to get into a new relationship

thepeopleversuswork · 04/04/2022 07:33

I think you have to define this more clearly.

I think a lot of people stay in a family setup where they and their significant other no longer are attracted to one another or have much in common but coparent well and are committed to working as a team. To me this is completely understandable, although it wouldn’t be for me). Overall that probably has the potential to be good for the kids because it keeps the family unit together.

That’s very different from a scenario where the two spouses actively dislike one another or where there is one-sided infidelity or abuse in my view staying together in circumstances like these through gritted teeth sets a terrible example to children.

I know you didn’t ask but I think it’s a really critical distinction.

CurlyBurley · 04/04/2022 07:34

We don't hate each other, no yelling or shouting etc. So we think it's the lesser of two evils. I don't want to be a single parent, and I don't want to live on my own. I can't see either of us getting into a new relationship. Sometimes it's the most sensible option.

Sharrowgirl · 04/04/2022 07:34

Very common I think. Combined with the massive emotional and financial upheaval of splitting up, moving house etc. Just the lesser of two evils to stay put for many people.

Ikeptgoing · 04/04/2022 07:34

The thing I think is HUGELY unreasonable is staying together then divorcing when your child goes to uni or is a young adult. I have known 5 or 6 friends whose own relationships and feelings were so damaged by that happening*

It's not really for this PP to say what is unreasonable that other people decided in best interests of their children as parents. As they really don't know the alternative..,!

They can say they feel their friends felt damaged by parents only staying together for the children and splitting up when they went to uni,

But the alternative may have been worse.
It's damaging when parents split up at whatever time anyway, more damaging though when it's an acrimonious divorce or finances are very bad that you can't get adequate housing each for DCs to stay over.

Or that NRP (often dad) feels he 'can't afford' reduction in his lifestyle and uses all sorts of ways not to pay so that DCs grow up with hardly any money no holidays and can't afford hobbies or mum as much petrol for car.

Or parents sniping at each other , the nasty atmosphere and it descending into domestic abuse from one another. It'd it's not that and people can be respectful then some parents do decide to stay together until children leave home.

Ikeptgoing · 04/04/2022 07:37

I mistyped I meant "or domestic abuse of one by another" (not domestic abuse of one another )

11stonesomething · 04/04/2022 08:47

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

oliviastwisted · 04/04/2022 08:52

I think it is very common. I think people stay in shit relationships mostly because of fear. Some of that fear is absolutely rational, cost of living, emotional reasons for children etc. it isn’t an easy situation all around.

Trixiefirecracker · 04/04/2022 09:09

I absolutely love the bones of my husband but if I didnt, if I fell out of love I would leave. Life is too bloody short to stay with someone where there is no caring relationship. My children would benefit more from seeing me happy in a fulfilled, loving relationship or happier living on my own. I understand why some people do it but for me it wouldn’t be an option. I would want my husband to find potential happiness elsewhere too. I think staying for the kids in a loveless marriage would make me feel hugely resentful and just lead to arguments and unrest and I can’t stand that feeling of being unfulfilled or that I’m trapped on the wrong path.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/04/2022 09:13

I bet loads do. I think it's a bit cowardly to be honest. I'm divorced.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/04/2022 09:15

What do you do when the kids are grown up - separate then? Surely the kids will figure it out.

Spongebobsmartypants · 04/04/2022 09:22

We stay together for the kids. Have no life together. Only 3 years to go

Swipe left for the next trending thread