To wonder how many couples stay together for the kids?

[Pointles]

Just that really. There must be loads or is this crazy? My parents did and I'm heading down the same route.

Anyone else?

(This thread isn't svout whether it's good for the kids or not. If anyone is interested a lot of research seems to show that unless the relationship is abusive or toxic it unfortunately is better for the kids if the parents stay together though that depends of course on the individual situation.)

I think more stay together because of lack of money than for the children. (But use kids as more of a socially acceptable excuse)

Very common.

Sadly, I realised recently I know more unhappy, or at best neutral, marriages than good and healthy ones. And lots of people keep it very well-hidden so most outsiders wouldn’t suspect

My parents did exactly that, and announced they were separating a week after my younger brother moved into uni halls. So it fucked up the start of his term, fucked up my mental health long term, and made us both feel like our childhood was a lie (my mother told me she had been unhappy since soon after I was born, and only slept with my dad until she was able to conceive my brother so that I wasn't an only child - what the FUCK).

I think the problem is as an adult I was much more involved than I would have been as a child, a lot of crap came out about how she'd been feeling over the years (and an inference that we, as the children she'd stayed for, were 'responsible'), and my brother had just moved out so it was just me at home dealing with an absolutely horrible atmosphere until my dad moved out 6 weeks later.

We’ve definitely been through a couple of phases of this over the years, times were tough and we gritted our teeth and got through it. Some of them we had counselling for, some we didn’t. Thankfully we came through them, our children have mostly left home and we are still together and happily so.

So I suppose my post illustrates that it isn’t always an analogue thing. The bad patches (sometimes months or years) can be got through and you can come out the other side as a couple. Obviously that relies on both of you wanting the same thing though and being willing to put the effort in.

I think it makes a lot of sense- I want to be with my children daily, splitting would risk that.

I think it's probably quite common. D

Its pretty expensive splitting up. I think that keeps a lot of people from doing it. And it's bloody hard work. I'm in the process if it and sometimes wish I had just shut up and stayed unhappy. But then I think of how awful that life would've been.

I am. My H works shifts and he would barely see our DC. Neither one of us want to be weekend parents.

We both agreed if we didn't have our DC we definitely would have split. I'm hoping to just get through the next 20 years as depressing as that sounds.

I think lots of people stay because they look at their situation, do the maths, and decide that staying is the best bet for them and their family (now and in future). They don't believe they will easily meet a better partner, or don't especially want one. They know their standard of living will suffer, as will their children's and their spouse's. They feel the upheaval to their DC is not worth it.

I think it's a completely valid decision for many. If anything it goes back to the original reason for marriage - pooled resources and skills, better chance of surviving.

Thankfully we came through them, our children have mostly left home and we are still together and happily so.

And yes, I think a lot of couples who grit their teeth and hang on for the kids actually find that things get better in time.

As much as I love DH I'm not sure we would still be together if we didn't have children just because I am not sure I would have put up with as much if it wasn't for us being tied by them. Nothing crazy just laziness etc that would have been a deal breaker if he was just my boyfriend with no kids.

The thing I think is HUGELY unreasonable is staying together then divorcing when your child goes to uni or is a young adult. I have known 5 or 6 friends whose own relationships and feelings were so damaged by that happening

My FIL left my MIL as soon as he felt his kids were adults and ‘his job was done’. It was enormously selfish, came at a huge cost to everyone, frankly - even now, decades later.

My MIL didn’t see it coming. Then it transpired he’d been unfaithful regularly throughout their marriage, including with a family friend. My DH and his siblings had no idea - to them they’d had the perfect family upbringing, their dad was wonderful, and now it all felt like a lie. Their mother fell apart and because everyone was an adult no feelings were spared, no emotional drama not laid out there.

Like the quoted poster, I know of others too who feel the same.

Maybe you’d feel relief if your parents were unhappily married, fighting, tense atmosphere etc. But if you’re happy enough to ‘stay together for the kids’ and parent harmoniously and look like you have a proper, functioning couples relationship, it’s a massive shock. You’ve effectively lied to your children - you’ve said ‘This is a happy relationship’ when at a fundamental level it wasn’t.

Stay ‘for the kids’ if you want to, but he aware what you really mean is you’re staying because it’s easier for you.

I grew up never understanding how or why kids would ever be upset by the breakup of their parents’ relationship. I was brought up by a single parent it was just the norm to me. But now I see my daughter, who’s 6, and the way she idolises me and my husband and I know how devastated she would be by him leaving.

It has literally kept us together. We're happy but if it wasn't for our daughter then there are a few times we would have definitely called it a day. But we couldn't because it would just be a logistical nightmare.

It was nothing irreparable so that comes into it of course. If there were violence or abuse then it would become detrimental to our child to stay together. But we had to work through issues, and we also have huge incompatibilities but we are both committed now to raising a child together in a stable home, and that includes us being together.

I think there will be lots of people staying together for this reason, but that means they're working through minor to quite serious issues instead of giving up on a family. It doesn't necessarily mean there are people in abusive relationships doing it as that makes little sense.

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

We’ve definitely been through a couple of phases of this over the years, times were tough and we gritted our teeth and got through it. Some of them we had counselling for, some we didn’t. Thankfully we came through them, our children have mostly left home and we are still together and happily so.

So I suppose my post illustrates that it isn’t always an analogue thing. The bad patches (sometimes months or years) can be got through and you can come out the other side as a couple. Obviously that relies on both of you wanting the same thing though and being willing to put the effort in.

I agree with this, though.

You got married and had children - you should put the effort in to resolve any issues and to stay married unless you’re in an abusive relationship. If your partner is abusive then the opposite is true.

Maybe it will become clear it’s not possible to work through those issues, and then you should separate. But you should do the work, understand what can be fixed and what is fundamentally broken.

When I hear people like my FIL who ‘stayed for the kids’ I think it’s people not being emotionally honest enough to properly work at their relationship. They’ve checked out mentally and agreed with themselves there’s an end date to their commitment. They’re not trying to make it better. They’re just pretending everything’s OK but it’s not.

Marriage and long-term love isn’t going to be the throes of passion permanently and being a separate individual with separate interests is fine. Sometimes it’s a bit of boredom, grass is greener syndrome, and you will come through it. But only if you’re honest.

I know 2 couples doing this. One couple actually did split up for nearly a year, but both were so miserable about not seeing their dc every day, they got back together, but in conversations it seems the push to give it another go was both hating not seeing the dc daily. The other couple similarly dont seem to be happy but both want to be daily parents, and in that one the wife has some long term health problems that means she might struggle without a 2nd adult to help sometimes.

I also know another 2 woman who both have quietly said they don't like their dh but love the lifestyle they have (both have v high earning dhs) and dont want to reduce their child's lifestyle - there might be more of an element of not wanting to reduce their own lifestyle. I remember thinking lockdown would be hard on them. I can see them staying together long term because its less about the kids and more about the overall lifestyle their marriage provides.

Increasingly I think I am very lucky I married a man I still love and enjoy his company. We arent particularly rich, but I'm glad I don't have to make these sorts of decisions.

@Confrontayshunme

I see people recommend splitting up a lot, but most people stay with their partner because it is easier, not for the kids. The thing I think is HUGELY unreasonable is staying together then divorcing when your child goes to uni or is a young adult. I have known 5 or 6 friends whose own relationships and feelings were so damaged by that happening.

I agree, my friend was absolutely destroyed by her parents splitting up as soon as she left for uni. I remember her saying like she felt like her entire childhood was a lie. My own dc, one an adult, one almost, are largely unscathed by me leaving their dad when they were young. Dd actually describes it as a blessing as otherwise she wouldn't have had a lovely stepdad!

I always think why martyr yourself to such a miserable existence? That’s no good for the kids.

Some people think two parents being together is the only way a child could possibly be happy and stable. Erm no it isn’t. It could potentially be the very reason they have a shit childhood.

How depressing to live half a life for the sake of kids. I left and I'm glad (DV though )

It's not exactly going to model successful relationships for the children involved. In reality two people staying together to save money.

Never tell your children you stayed in a dead marriage for them. It's so damaging. It makes them feel responsible and it spoils all their happy memories.

I think a lot of people say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the lifestyle

This. I have a friend who is staying "for the children" but it's more the case that her DP is a high earner and the lifestyle change would be harsh for her.

Stay ‘for the kids’ if you want to, but he aware what you really mean is you’re staying because it’s easier for you

Yes. It can be a cop-out to pretend you're making a sacrifice for the children when that's not really true.

I also agree with pp that divorcing when children are young adults is hugely hugely damaging long term.

I think sometimes we have to expect that marriage isn't all happy happy and we may have bad patches
My dh have been through good times and bad times and probably if no kids may of walked away as easier to do then , but kids means we have tried to work through our issues and then resolved them and realise that we as people adapt and change, if things were really bad I wouldn't of stayed ( no abuse etc) but Im glad we stuck at things at times and Came out the other side
Kids almost grown up and looking forward to planning trips away together and what is a new chapter

I am sure plenty do but you’re dreaming if you think it’s still the best thing for the kids.

Okay there’s no abuse but there’s no love either. You’ll model emotionally numb and boring relationships to your children just like your parents have to you and that’s a shame.

My mum was very clear she was only with my dad because of us but she never left him even once we had homes and families of our own. I said I would never do that and split with my first husband for that reason but now i do love my second husband but I'm not sure we would still be together if we didn't have kids. I'm happy enough but not as happy as I thought I would be.

Also even if your children are now adults no one should be discussing their marriage with their kids really
I don't want to hear it from my mum and dad , yes the odd grumble like your dads getting worse at washing up the older he gets etc wtc
But if you split up when kids go to uni , you don't say you split then as you stayed for them , so to me the splitting up isn't so much the issue the details they have revealed are

I think it is very common. I think it is weak too.