To wonder how many couples stay together for the kids?

[Pointles]

Just that really. There must be loads or is this crazy? My parents did and I'm heading down the same route.

Anyone else?

(This thread isn't svout whether it's good for the kids or not. If anyone is interested a lot of research seems to show that unless the relationship is abusive or toxic it unfortunately is better for the kids if the parents stay together though that depends of course on the individual situation.)

So im a product of this. Parents thought it was better staying together. Now i've wittnesed things I shouldnt have. Seen my mum cry way too many times than I should have. My boundaries and self worth in relationships are constantly blurred because of my exposure to what a "relationship" should be and regardless even if they werent arguing having parents live together without being together makes for a cold and loveless enviroment. My house was NEVER my home. Because home was family and we was not that.

I would constantly try to stay out of this house or avoid going. When I did we all kept in seperate rooms as mum and dad did not converse and when they did it ended ugly. It. Was. Horrible.

And now what results in it for my parents? Well now that us children have all grown up mum finally found the courage to leave dad. But her belief in love has been sacrificed and ruined. She thinks she is too old (mid 60's) to find love or start again. She doesnt want to as she has had the enthusiasm about it sucked dry from her. Now she and my dad are going into retirment years ALONE. And it utterly breaks my heart for both of them that they spend what should be time now all for them alone, in flats with no money as they had to sell up our house and now rent. With no one to watch tv with, no one to chat to, no one to sleep next to at night.

So no one wins.

And no one can ever tell me that "staying for the children" is a noble and selfless thing to do. Because majority of the time the parents do it for themselves no matter how they try to tell themselves otherwise. Staying is ALWAYS the easier option. Not neccesasirly the right one.

I have no respect of time of day for those who try to stay and use the kids as an escape. Yeah you may think in the moment its good for them but you dont know how its going to affect them in long run.

Do your children a favour people if your relationship is all out of love for whatever reason, dont just stay and demonstrate an empty unfulfilling relationship is the way. Otherwise you risk your children repeating YOUR same mistakes. There is more out there. Everyone deserves a loving home.

@LetHimHaveIt

It's neither 'weak' nor 'cowardly', but I congratulate all the truly heroic divorcees on here, who doubtless have the thanks of a grateful nation and a 'Pride of Britain' award 🙄

If you're truly miserable; if your life is utter shit; if you're being abused; if you've got a few quid - you should probably go.

But it's expensive to maintain two households, especially with the ever-rising CoL, and it's hard not seeing your kids everyday. If things are just 'ok', it's probably better to stay: my kids don't know I'm quite unhappy - they themselves are not - and I'm not particularly interested in another relationship. But some of us are better actresses than others, and some of us don't need the thrill or validation of a new bed partner, either.

I'm not a martyr, but I'm not selfish, either. I'm doing ok.

Sounds miserable for you though, you shouldn't have to 'act' in your own home or be unhappy.

My parents acrimoniously divorced when I was five, and mine and my younger sister’s entire childhood was blighted by my mum’s bitterness and the logistics of being shuffled between two houses 200 miles apart.

DH and are very settled and happy, but even if we weren’t I think I would make the decision to stick it out for children’s sake, unless we were arguing/creating a toxic environment. I think lots would do this.

I do know lots of children of divorce (primary teacher) who are very happy though, so it’s certainly not a black and white decision.

Agree plenty stay for lifestyle as much as 'the kids'

I think this is why exit affairs are common - people know they are unhappy, but wait til something better comes along

Me and ex DP are an amazing team and split 4 months ago, we both see the kids pretty much every day and they are happy. It can be done! But had times of having upto 4 days away from them and it's been fine, it goes quick and it makes you really enjoy the time they are with you! And getting breaks is AMAZDon't settle for being unhappy if you are.

I did. I had a lot of reasons to go, but I felt that my kids deserved to grow up in a stable home, and they loved their dad . I stayed until they were 17 and 21 . When I left they were pretty shocked , since they didn't know anything was wrong. But they do tell me now that they are glad they had a great childhood with no dramas, and I'm very glad that I did it.

It's ten years later now, I'm remarried, their Dad has a long term partner, and he and I are cordial and friendly when we see each other . I see nothing wrong with doing things the way I did - there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution for marriage problems.

A few friends are doing this, and it is hard going but they somehow make it work with separate rooms and lives.

My own parents did this too, and stayed together 'for us' I am not sure i ever believed it was for our benefit and the rows were awful. Strangely once we left, they had the choice and decided to stay together and are way happier now they are in their 70's and married for 55 years. They have become companions, had their arguments and found a middle road that works for then. I don't begrudge them happiness but wish they hadn't ruined our childhood with the tension, arguments and anger.

If you are going to stay, you have to be a 100% on board with doing so in a cheerful and relaxed way. Undercurrents are not nice to live with and create a feeling of a lack of security for a child.

Gosh this thread has really shone a light on how marriage is viewed in the current age!
DH and I probably stuck together through our childrens younger years as the stresses of young kids was definitely detrimental to our marriage.
But we consciously decided very early on that we were committed and while we might not like each other at times we were a family.
Now 24 years later we're bloody glad we did.
Simply we are family. Might not have a passionate relationship nor at times a harmonious one, but we have a whole new life we're embracing.
I always remember a conversation with my grandmother who I always thought were so much in love and a wonderful loving example of a marriage, I asked her how my grandpa and she managed to stay so happy for 60 years. She laughed hysterically and let me in on their secret, it wasn't. But they made a decision very early on they were in it for good and for bad and they were true to their word.
But I understand there are situations where this is absolutely not possible and it's wonderful how its relatively simple to leave a bad marriage in our times.
But there is something truly magical to stay the course throughout our lives.
Absolutely know how fortunate we are, and am frequently envious of friends finding true love later in their lives.

'Sounds miserable for you though, you shouldn't have to 'act' in your own home or be unhappy.'

But I'm not miserable. I'm quite unhappy, some of the time. But he's not a brute, or even a prick (Well. He is a bit). But I've no expectation of being happier elsewhere . . . and very possibly without my kids, all the time. There are always MNers urging women to LTB, and painting vivid pictures of their lovely lives with men who do value them. Well, if true, good for them - but my overriding feeling is 'would that it were so simple'. In my experience, quite a lot of women leave one bastard to simply find another one. Or never find anyone, bastard or otherwise, ever again. It certainly wouldn't bother me to be alone, but it would kill me if I had to live in penury with my babies.

I think a lot of people are far too quick to leave actually (although I'm not talking about those with abusive partners - they should always leave as quickly as possible, abusers don't change).

Having small kids is really stressful, and it's easy to argue about things. Sometimes you need to put the effort into your relationship with counselling etc. before going straight to a split. Too many on MN rush to tell posters to LTB over what can be relatively small issues.

NB - I am not saying that anyone on this thread is wrong to have split up, I'm just referring to the fact that for quite a few people, it seems like divorce is their go-to as soon as things get a bit difficult. I think it's worth trying to make it work first before jumping ship.

@LetHimHaveIt

It’s not about validation from a new partner it’s about what you’re modelling relationship wise to your children.

I am sure your children are okay. They may grow up to think that two people knocking about together in the same house being civil is totally normal. (Well it’s their norm). They may also grow up to think two very happy in love people living together is a “bit much….bit suffocating” I.e have intimacy issues.

It’s a gamble. But don’t kid yourself that you’re a good actress.

The danger is them repeating it in their own adult relationships.

I want my kids to be truly happy. Not just bumbling along in a half arsed life on pretend contentment.

Kids are smarter than you think.

Plus it’s how affairs start. All is okay in the land of the civil, until someone catches your eye…. in the least expected of places and times, and then all hell breaks loose.

It’s all a bit stereotypical.

'Kids are smarter than you think'

Yeah; people trot this one out all the time. It's balls, like so much else on here. Kids are alternately resilient and vulnerable depending on what MNers need them to be, to suit whatever narrative they're peddling in the moment.

They're not seeing two people 'knocking about being civil' by the way. I won't ask where you got that from, as it's the same place many, many posters get their bullshit from - their own fertile imaginations, where their way is the best way and everyone else's is as damaging AF. Yours is a neat piece of bollocks, but it's very far from the truth. Their father and I get on well. We have a lot of laughs. We're also a fairly good team. But I don't want to be here at all, and wouldn't, all things being equal - and nobody has a clue. I'm an exceptional actress.

And my kids are just fine. Better than average, I'd say. Bright; well-balanced. Loving. Funny.

It probably is easier to stay for everyone including the kids but it might not be the best decision.

My husband and I have been wobbly for 18 months now and I'm torn. We have a good relationship but he wants a sexual relationship and I don't. There has been stuff he's done over the last year that's really put me off, I hate living in a tense house because he's sulking that I've said no or feeling like I have to say yes to prevent the tension. However it's not fair on him to be continuously rejected and instead of getting better it's getting worse. We are going through counselling to try figure out the cause, not necessarily to keep our marriage but to work together so that a split can be amicable.

A separation will be tough on all of us, emotionally and financially and when things are hard I feel like putting up and shutting up because in a way it's the easiest option but I can't live being unhappy and neither can he. Nobody should be unhappy, there are no guarantees that the grass is greener but nobody should get to old age regretting their decision to stay in an unhappy marriage.

The thing is, there’s no definite answer to ‘what’s better for the kids?’. Kids can be hugely traumatised by divorce and/or becoming part of a blended family when a parent moves on. Alternatively, they can also be hugely traumatised by living in a toxic environment with parents who clearly hate each other.

‘Kids are strong’ is a lazy cliche people use to justify the impact their own decisions have on their children. Whether a child is ‘strong’ or not is entirely dependent on the child, and tbh children being troubled by their parents making a decision that they perceive to have a negative impact on them, isn’t ‘weak’. Children are individuals and they’re allowed to have their own feelings and opinions on things, they’re not ciphers for their parent(s).

It depends on the couple, if they get on great as friends and can make it work they why not if it suits both parties. If you are at each other's throats, seething with resentment then splitting up is better for the children and better for you.

I think a lot of people say they are staying together for the children, when actually they can't face the upheaval of splitting up and the reduced income. My parents had an awful relationship until the day my dad died, and we knew from a very early age it wasn't right or normal. They could just never be bothered.

The man I am with now and his exW stayed together for the kids until he suddenly couldn't stand it any more and as a result it was far more toxic than it needed to be. And the kids have got some strange ideas about relationships.

I think it is perfectly do-able for lots of couples, who value the lifestyle being together affords, but find the relationship is dead but not acrimonious. If you both have jobs, live in a reasonable sized house and have things to do at the weekends, it can suit people quite well.

About ten years ago a very old friend admitted that if she hadn’t had children with her now husband, they wouldn’t still be together. She was very miserable. Ten years on, she’s still married to him. It’s all about money.

I fear my kids would not have the same standard of living if we split and their dad did weekends or every second weekend . They have sport and hobbies they love, he doesn’t drive and doesn’t really value sport so I just don’t think they’d get there without me. He said I over schedule them (even though they love the sport) so if I want them to do stuff then it’s up to me. I can’t stand the thought of them missing out so I stay. There are other reasons too but in terms of ‘for their sake’ that’s a big part

@LetHimHaveIt

I think judging from your extremely angry response you’re very unhappy.

Good luck with the acting, you’ll be getting an Oscar soon no doubt. You know because it’s exceptional.

I'm not extremely angry at all. Not even slightly. My response was a good deal more weary than anything else - so you're as wide of the mark there as you are with everything else. Including, apparently - how the Academy Awards work . . .

@Onlyforcake

It's not exactly going to model successful relationships for the children involved. In reality two people staying together to save money.

This.

My parents didn't get on very well at all and still don't. They've stayed together and nearly every argument from a young age I've heard all about.

It tells me you should stay because the children's feelings are all that matters - you've made your bed kind of thing.

It makes me so sad as I often blame myself for their issues which doesn't help.

It's a spectrum though isn't it?

I left because my husband was an abusive drunk. It was an absolute no brainer for me and I didn't regret it for a second. It was tough for a year or so but seven years on I can honestly say it was the best thing I've ever done and I congratulate myself for it.

But TBH if things had been a bit more tolerable I might not have done. If my husband had been marginally better around the house and had not gone out drinking every night and come home in a foul mood but had just quietly annoyed me would I have left? I don't know.

Everyone does their own risk/reward analysis and comes up with what suits them best.

I happen to think that its always better being on your own than being in a meh relationship and ultimately I think staying in a shit relationship does more damage to the kids than leaving it, but I can see that if you have a shared mortgage and several shared kids there has to be a pretty big impetus to rock that boat.

@LetHimHaveIt

'Sounds miserable for you though, you shouldn't have to 'act' in your own home or be unhappy.'

But I'm not miserable. I'm quite unhappy, some of the time. But he's not a brute, or even a prick (Well. He is a bit). But I've no expectation of being happier elsewhere . . . and very possibly without my kids, all the time. There are always MNers urging women to LTB, and painting vivid pictures of their lovely lives with men who do value them. Well, if true, good for them - but my overriding feeling is 'would that it were so simple'. In my experience, quite a lot of women leave one bastard to simply find another one. Or never find anyone, bastard or otherwise, ever again. It certainly wouldn't bother me to be alone, but it would kill me if I had to live in penury with my babies.

That's fair enough, rather be single forever to be honest than unhappy. I wouldn't live in penury though as I made sure to remain financially independent if need be, as all women should to avoid being trapped into a lifestyle.