Page 8 | To wonder how many couples stay together for the kids?

Pointles · 2022-04-04T05:48:30+00:00

Just that really. There must be loads or is this crazy? My parents did and I'm heading down the same route. Anyone else? (This thread isn't svout whether it's good for the kids or not. If anyone is interested a lot of research seems to show that unless the relationship is abusive or toxic it unfortunately is better for the kids if the parents stay together though that depends of course on the individual situation.)

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 07:34

No I realise that @Waxonwaxoff0 but there are still childcare costs (unless your work is very flexible or you have a very supportive family.) I live in a city in the midlands and we are looking for somewhere to rent at the moment because our house move isn’t going smoothly and there isn’t anything below £800.

I am a teacher so no holiday costs but I would have to pay before and after school childcare. Then electricity fuel etc.

I don’t think it’s as simple as some are making out.

georgarina · 07/04/2022 07:37

I know a few. It's not normally just for the kids, it's kids, finances, health issues, and all this together means on balance they feel it's easier to stay together. I guess it's like anything - sometimes they are better off that way, and sometimes they'd be happier splitting.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 07:40

@Sickofnosleep

No I realise that *@Waxonwaxoff0* but there are still childcare costs (unless your work is very flexible or you have a very supportive family.) I live in a city in the midlands and we are looking for somewhere to rent at the moment because our house move isn’t going smoothly and there isn’t anything below £800.

I am a teacher so no holiday costs but I would have to pay before and after school childcare. Then electricity fuel etc.

I don’t think it’s as simple as some are making out.

I know there are still childcare costs, I have to pay for them. Holiday club over Easter is £26 a day.

It's not simple, no, but it's not impossible, and it's certainly not impossible to raise a child on under £30k as pp suggested. Otherwise no one earning less than that would have kids!

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 07:45

I don’t know - it’s probably impossible to do entirely independently. Of course people do but there is some sort of additional contribution.

Of course this all depends on where you live, what if any support you have and so on. For me, even on twelve thousand more, the reality would be a pretty miserable life for everyone so I don’t do it!

LovelyYellowLabrador · 07/04/2022 07:50

I think this is more common than you think, and if the parents get on genuinely well as great friends at least they both get to see the kids everyday they don’t have to be part time parents
And with the cost of living atm
It could work well for a lot of people

Enzbear · 07/04/2022 07:52

There are loads. I know several people who are staying together for the dc until Uni, but I suspect some of them won't want to downgrade their lifestyle. Some have separate rooms, one even has a house ready to move into. A few won't leave because they haven't got enough pension, savings, income etc. They go on holiday with their friends, have relationships with others.
Personally I couldn't live like that but I have enough money that I wouldn't have to.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 07:53

@Sickofnosleep

I don’t know - it’s probably impossible to do entirely independently. Of course people do but there is some sort of additional contribution.

Of course this all depends on where you live, what if any support you have and so on. For me, even on twelve thousand more, the reality would be a pretty miserable life for everyone so I don’t do it!

Yes, if we're talking entirely independently - I get assistance in the form of working tax credits, but that still doesn't bring my income up to anywhere near £30k.

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 07:58

That £30,000 isn’t take home though (I know you know that, sorry, I’m just thinking out loud.)

You certainly couldn’t have two children in nursery on £30,000 - school age children I’m not sure. I don’t know about wraparound care costs.

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 08:14

But as a general point I don’t personally see staying in a dull but non abusive marriage as the worst thing at all. I don’t really see it as staying for the kids but more for the happiness of the whole family.

For instance I really don’t enjoy my job at the moment but I stick with it because the misery of not having one would be greater than the stress my job causes me! I see marriage in much the same way.

ThatshallotBaby · 07/04/2022 08:53

I love dh and he loves me, but I don’t think we’d still be together if it wasn’t for the dc. We both had cold and difficult childhoods, and it’s this more than anything that impacts our relationship.
I’ve come to terms, or rather am beginning to come to terms with my pain, and am starting to love myself. Dh is still in denial.
Our oldest child is 20 and youngest 12.

We’ve had some very bad patches. What’s heartbreaking is that he is a lovely man but he’s not an easy one. The children mean everything to both of us, and the warmth of being in a family, that neither of us experienced as children.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 08:57

@Sickofnosleep

That £30,000 isn’t take home though (I know you know that, sorry, I’m just thinking out loud.)

You certainly couldn’t have two children in nursery on £30,000 - school age children I’m not sure. I don’t know about wraparound care costs.

No, you'd get 30 free hours once the children turn 3 though so not many people would have to pay 2 lots of fees at once unless they had 2 children within a year of each other.

LaVieEnRose99 · 07/04/2022 10:38

I see many comments claiming that staying for the kids is really about staying for the lifestyle/financial benefits. I'm personally (not taking into consideration any of husbands money/assets) financially set for life. Can retire and live comfortably right now. And I still choose to stay for the kids. I want to see and spend time with my children everyday. Divorcing would be simply exchanging the problems I face with my husband, for problems I will face in not seeing my children daily and the impact and issues that brings with it.

What I would like to know is for those who are staying for the children, how do you make this work? Do you carve out a full life for yourself independent of your husband and have very little to do with them? Do you do a lot with them but no intimacy? Do you do a vast amount of things together with the children or do things separately with the children? What are the plans for when the children have flown the nest?

Twilight7777 · 07/04/2022 10:45

Probably a lot more than you think. My parents for one

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 10:54

The other thing I think people forget is it isn’t as if you just divorce and never see one another again. If you have children together you still have to manage a relationship to a certain extent.

CounsellorTroi · 07/04/2022 11:51

It seems to me staying for the kids could only work if both partners feel the same. If only one partner is staying for the kids it’s not nice or fair on the other partner if their feelings have not fundamentally changed.

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 13:23

@LaVieEnRose99

I see many comments claiming that staying for the kids is really about staying for the lifestyle/financial benefits. I'm personally (not taking into consideration any of husbands money/assets) financially set for life. Can retire and live comfortably right now. And I still choose to stay for the kids. I want to see and spend time with my children everyday. Divorcing would be simply exchanging the problems I face with my husband, for problems I will face in not seeing my children daily and the impact and issues that brings with it.

What I would like to know is for those who are staying for the children, how do you make this work? Do you carve out a full life for yourself independent of your husband and have very little to do with them? Do you do a lot with them but no intimacy? Do you do a vast amount of things together with the children or do things separately with the children? What are the plans for when the children have flown the nest?

To answer your question, yes I do very little with him. We are in separate bedrooms partly due to his snoring, and partly to do with the fact that he wouldn’t do anything about his inability to ‘come’ so our sex life dwindled to nothing. It’s funny how you can’t put up with stuff you previously did when you’re not getting sex. We don’t have any intimacy at all, no holding hands or kissing. We only ever go out together if it’s with the kids.

SuitcaseOfWhine · 07/04/2022 13:30

I suspect if finances were good for both parties they wouldn't stay together. Unfortunately in a world where you need two full incomes to run a household more often than not, and when leaving your partner = poverty, most people will opt to stay in unhappy relationships.

SuitcaseOfWhine · 07/04/2022 14:14

@Sickofnosleep

It’s so odd that people keep saying that anyone can achieve financial independence.

What’s the average salary again? £30,000 or something like that?

How can you raise children on that alone? You can’t. Not and pay childcare, anyway.

This does annoy me. I earn a bit above this and have two kids. If I work, I would need to pay childcare (or some if it if separated). I would need to pay 1k at least in rent plus bills, pay pension, food and need to run a car and put kids in childcare. It would not be affordable to leave my partner (not that I want to, luckily). If I chose not to work and claim benefits I would almost certainly be in the red. My partner earns 42k and he would manage on his salary, but I think living where I do and the cost of living it wouldn't be a life of luxury.

Years ago if people split I expect one salary went further, but having grown up in a single parent family on a low income it wasn't easy then either. Social housing in these circumstances was probably a little easier to come by, so reduced the financial burden a bit, but I think now it would be almost impossible. I expect we will see more people staying together for the kids given the current climate economically.

Lightning020 · 07/04/2022 16:33

I understand about making ends meet but I for one cannot live a lie. I would sooner be a little hard up than put up with a dead end relationship. My house is unfinished and I drive the usual old banger and never have a holiday abroad but I enjoy my independence especially now d s is much older. I relish plenty of me time plus hobbies at home and time with friends.

Lightning020 · 07/04/2022 16:46

Though I am mortgage free which is very fortunate of course.

SuitcaseOfWhine · 08/04/2022 09:13

@Lightning020

Though I am mortgage free which is very fortunate of course.

I think that is probably why leaving would be easier. With renting it is always going up, totally out of your control (often just moving to find a cheaper alternative cancels out and savings you could make due to moving costs). I think for younger people there will be more staying for the kids or to financially manage.

Being mortgage free would be a huge weight off my shoulders and would give me 1k of my salary back, which I could certainly manage on without OH.

Charliec12 · 09/04/2022 07:45

@DrSbaitso

I think a lot of people say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the lifestyle.

Certainly understandable with the current COL crisis.

Yep this is me at the moment :(

Charliec12 · 09/04/2022 07:52

@Trixiefirecracker

I absolutely love the bones of my husband but if I didnt, if I fell out of love I would leave. Life is too bloody short to stay with someone where there is no caring relationship. My children would benefit more from seeing me happy in a fulfilled, loving relationship or happier living on my own. I understand why some people do it but for me it wouldn’t be an option. I would want my husband to find potential happiness elsewhere too. I think staying for the kids in a loveless marriage would make me feel hugely resentful and just lead to arguments and unrest and I can’t stand that feeling of being unfulfilled or that I’m trapped on the wrong path.

It brings so many issues I haven’t been that happy for the last 3 years and my head is regularly getting turned :( I am still in my marriage due to the cost of living and the impact it could have on my 2 kids. It is not easy at all at times though

Ringmaster27 · 09/04/2022 07:54

I did. For way too long.
A lot of people do. We had created a lifestyle together that was safe and secure and would be simple to maintain moving forward….but I was miserable. My exH was not and still isn’t a bad guy. There was never any abuse, no blazing rows or anything like that. We just got married way too young, had DCs way to quickly and in too quick succession and that puts pressure on anyone’s marriage - let alone a couple of kids who are just learning how to navigate the adult world themselves. We grew so far apart, we were basically living as friends for years. It wasn’t bad. But it also wasn’t fulfilling. The resentment of eachother began to set in. I made the decision last year that I couldn’t do it anymore. And honestly, it’s the best decision I could have made. The split was amicable. We are still friends - I dare say we get in better now than we ever did living together. We have a 70/30 custody split due to exH’s working hours (one of the things that put incredible pressure on me when we were together!), and the DCs flit between both homes with no problems. They’ve adapted so well.
I’d much rather my DCs have two happy parents who aren’t together than two miserable parents who stay together for the sake of together’s sake.