Page 7 | To wonder how many couples stay together for the kids?

speakout · 05/04/2022 06:43

It's not just the money or the children, it's the shared workload of life.

My kids are adults, I don't think OH and I would still be together if we didn't have them but now we are older neither of us have the inclination to leave.
We both get to stay in a home that is better than each of us could if we were single, we share the work and mindload of running a house together, so half as much work than a single would have.
We get along well enough, OH still works with a job that he loves but has a lot of travel, often at very short notice. I run a business from home and have hobbies.
Staying together is cofortable and gives us companionship and support. I have no interest in playing the dating game anymore and my OH says the same.
If he did find someone else it wouldnt be the end of the world, but I know this arrangement works for him too.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/04/2022 07:30

@Eyedropeyeflop

We need to teach our daughters to be financially savvy so that they are not trapped

This. The decision to stay together or not can be a finely balanced one at the best of times. But so much of the time women are forced to accept a poor marriage due to the fact that they have handed over the economic power in the marriage to the man.

Eyedropeyeflop · 05/04/2022 07:52

@Pinkorchid23

My parents split when me and my siblings were tweens and teens. Not ideal, big upheaval, short term pain.

Mother remarried and I saw for myself what love was (and prior to that to be honest I had no idea my parents were unhappy) but from seeing how she was with her second husband (they remain together). It was incomparable.

I’m glad she could model the second marriage as I remain very very happy in my marriage. (20 years plus).

I realise what a gift this is now when I look around me …… !

ShouldBeWorking23 · 05/04/2022 08:10

I think some people are being quite dismissive about ‘lifestyle’. It’s not necessarily a second car or annual cruise, it could be a home near a good school, after school activities they really love, lack of daily financial stress etc. I can put up with a lot to give them that.

Ohquietone · 05/04/2022 08:26

I would’ve loved to have not handed over financial power to my husband. But two children with Sen who couldn’t be in nursery for more than a few hours a day and a job that was very inflexible gave me really limited choice. Even now I do work but it’s a low paid term time only job because I have no other options. There’s no childcare to cater for my children with disabilities. I appreciate not everyone is in my situation and I’d certainly say to try and hold onto job and be in a secure financial position.

Umbellypico · 05/04/2022 08:28

Sadly, most of my friends are choosing to stay in toxic marriages 'for the sake of the dc'. It's horrible

gannett · 05/04/2022 09:06

Anecdata but the adults I know whose parents divorced when they were young children haven't been damaged by it and seem well-adjusted now. Most say they were upset at the time but had the rest of their childhoods to adjust to a new kind of stability. Whereas those whose parents split when they went to university... all kinds of fuckedup-ness there and very little sign of having healthy relationships themselves.

Like @Pointles I'm interested in what the details of "staying for the kids" are like. Are both parents explicitly on board, ie have you had a conversation that the romantic relationship is over but you're both committed to a respectful coparenting relationship in the same household? Or are you both making convenient assumptions that the other partner is OK with everything? Can you enjoy each other's company on any level, ie at least have a laugh with each other rather than gritting your teeth through every interaction? If one of you is going through a tough time, does the other still care enough to support them even when it requires sacrifices on their part? Do you have sex or want to have sex and if the answers are no, have you talked about whether sex outside the marriage is something you'd be happy with? Etc etc etc.

"Staying together for the kids" can work, just like open marriages and poly relationships can work, but recalibrating relationship in that way actually takes a huge amount of legwork and communication. And the reason they don't work for most people is when they're seen as the easy option that you slip into without discussing.

thepeopleversuswork · 05/04/2022 10:57

@gannett

You make a really good point here actually. If “staying together for the kids” is a choice entered into mutually and consciously with guardrails and clear rules, and if the couple in question still have some shared companionship that’s one thing.

But in the majority of cases it doesn’t look like that from the outside: it looks like two people bristling with resentment and frustration, lying to one another in subtle and less subtle ways, often cheating or nearly cheating etc.

And you can rest assured children can tell the difference.

Villagewaspbyke · 06/04/2022 12:48

What I find difficult about the phrase 'staying together for the kids' is that it has undertones of that situation being somehow good (for the kids) and selfless. And by contrast, that splitting up is somehow bad (for the kids) and selfish.

This^

rosesarebluey · 06/04/2022 15:35

@Waxonwaxoff0

I bet loads do. I think it's a bit cowardly to be honest. I'm divorced.

It's not cowardly at all. Everyone has different circumstances and reasons.

Solocup · 06/04/2022 23:12

I don’t understand why you are so vehemently bashing @LetHimHaveIt ‘s life choice.

Your opinion is purely postulation, based on your own bias. How can you possibly say, with such assertion, what is ‘right’ for her or her family?

I’m amazed she took the time to reply to you, but even when she explained, you still say she’s wrong. I’m not sure how you can be the authority on a stranger’s life. All very odd.

I think her, pretty well “articulated” point (not sure why we’re putting articulated in doofers but I’ll join in), resonated with many.

Bcs174 · 06/04/2022 23:43

I think as you get older, romantic love becomes less important. I really could not be bothered going through all that dating crap that I read on the relationships board. Sometimes a nice house, lifestyle, hobbies and a relationship where you get on well but don’t have the hits for each other anymore is fine. I couldn’t be arsed starting again now in a 2 up 2 down in the middle of a town centre, struggling to pay my bills.

Bcs174 · 06/04/2022 23:44

Hots

LetHimHaveIt · 06/04/2022 23:51

@Solocup

I don’t understand why you are so vehemently bashing *@LetHimHaveIt* ‘s life choice.

Your opinion is purely postulation, based on your own bias. How can you possibly say, with such assertion, what is ‘right’ for her or her family?

I’m amazed she took the time to reply to you, but even when she explained, you still say she’s wrong. I’m not sure how you can be the authority on a stranger’s life. All very odd.

I think her, pretty well “articulated” point (not sure why we’re putting articulated in doofers but I’ll join in), resonated with many.

Thanks. It's appreciated.

Pinkorchid23 · 07/04/2022 00:35

@Solocup i didnt say I know whats best for her but I do know, being a child that grew up in a loveless marriage, what was right for me and my siblings and it was not to be exposed to it. I may not know whats best for her life as an entirety however it doesnt take away from the fact that I do not agree with @LetHimHaveIt ome bit and personally being in the "child's" view point here whilst she is the parent I feel I have more of a leg to stand on from where I am coming from.

No one benefits from playing happy house. Im sorry but this whole entire thread was clearly made to validate people who want to stay in a dead end relationship and justify it by using the kids as an excuse when in actuality their genuine motive is alot more selfish than that. This thread is a clear indication and proof of this. Look how many people on here have admitted to doing it just so they didnt have to part ways with their dc's all the time. You can NOT tell me that is because they are putting their children's needs before their own. Because its just not. Its so sad reading how many women on here are raised to tolerate, to give up on love after some men show them a hard time, to accept so much just so they can get by with so little.

Some do it because they are too afraid to be alone, some do it for finaically security or are put off by change and find comfort in their own well known misery. Some do it because they cant facd the alternative. Its all so heart breaking to read.

What makes you think this is all there is to life? Had kids with a man child, dead beat dad, abusive guy, useless guy, loveless man, so they take it because this failed relationship has convinced them there is no better or the woman's spirit has been so crushed that they cant be bothered to find another.

I refuse to believe that that is it as much as I refuse to believe staying is right. Because its not. Im a product of that. And sweetheart its not just based on being bias. Its based on me wittnessing other people's lives. Other family members/friends. Seeing how damaged they become whether it be it now or later because they we're raised in loveless families. You cant tell me people who are vs arent dont thrive better. And guess what? The only way to find a loving healthy relationship to show your children is to ... leave!

So no. Staying isnt the best option. But yes it damn well is the easiest for most and that is why it gets chosen/will continue to be chosen but I will never inflict that on my dd because i will ALWAYS chose her over me and vow to never inflict this crap on a underserving child.

Solocup · 07/04/2022 01:17

You’re really not getting it are you?! You’re commenting based on YOUR OWN experience. That doesn’t make you the authority on other people’s experiences. You can, most certainly say, ‘my experience has been this…’, you don’t, however, have the all knowing judgement of the situation of every other woman. It is definitely perfectly plausible (and actually very common), to have a happy home and a functioning marriage with someone you’re not head over heels for.

Thank you for the ‘sweetheart’, you certainly weren’t patronising everyone enough already.

LetHimHaveIt · 07/04/2022 01:29

'Thank you for the ‘sweetheart’, you certainly weren’t patronising everyone enough already.'

That was my favourite bit, too - although it was a close-run thing between that and learning my children have apparently been raised in a 'loveless family'.

Someone on this thread is indeed extremely angry and chippy - and yet strangely self-satisfied.

It ain't me.

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 01:49

It’s so odd that people keep saying that anyone can achieve financial independence.

What’s the average salary again? £30,000 or something like that?

How can you raise children on that alone? You can’t. Not and pay childcare, anyway.

ZellyFitzgerald · 07/04/2022 03:42

LetHimHaveIt

I appreciate all your posts. I'm not sure why you are getting attacked so much. Thanks for posting though, it's made me feel a lot better about my own situation, which is quite similar to yours.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 05:13

@Sickofnosleep

It’s so odd that people keep saying that anyone can achieve financial independence.

What’s the average salary again? £30,000 or something like that?

How can you raise children on that alone? You can’t. Not and pay childcare, anyway.

Well, plenty of people do but they usually have to claim UC. I'm bringing DS up on less than that.

Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 06:59

@Waxonwaxoff0 but are you paying nursery fees?

My take home salary is £2400. Nursery fees for two is £1600, which would leave me £800 to pay rent or mortgage, buy food, clothes, shoes, toys and replace the washing machine, sort Christmas, put fuel in the car.

I suppose it could just about be done if you didn’t have a big mortgage but it would be difficult.

TheBigDilemma · 07/04/2022 07:05

@Pointles

Just that really. There must be loads or is this crazy? My parents did and I'm heading down the same route.

Anyone else?

(This thread isn't svout whether it's good for the kids or not. If anyone is interested a lot of research seems to show that unless the relationship is abusive or toxic it unfortunately is better for the kids if the parents stay together though that depends of course on the individual situation.)

If the relationship was not abusive or toxic, the parents would most likely be still together.

Most people who are staying “for the children” are not even able to recognise if the relationship they in is abusive or toxic.

But my view is that mostly everyone who claim to stay “for the children” are staying either for the money or fear of change.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/04/2022 07:12

[quote Sickofnosleep]@Waxonwaxoff0 but are you paying nursery fees?

My take home salary is £2400. Nursery fees for two is £1600, which would leave me £800 to pay rent or mortgage, buy food, clothes, shoes, toys and replace the washing machine, sort Christmas, put fuel in the car.

I suppose it could just about be done if you didn’t have a big mortgage but it would be difficult.[/quote]
No, DS is school age. But there are lots of minimum wage workers out there, some of them will be single parents paying nursery fees. And kids won't be in nursery forever.

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 07:15

I’m staying together for the kids, and when the last one leaves I will probably still stay for financial security and company.
The time to go has passed me by, and what I’d say to others is that you never think it’s bad enough to go, but then you look back and see it was bad enough. You excused their behaviour for other reasons.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 07/04/2022 07:25

I divorced but life doesn't open up into a nirvana-like state post-divorce.
We know from empirical research divorce is hugely damaging for children and society as a whole. My youngest still wishes mummy and daddy were still together.
What society lacks is the tools to solve marital problems, the spectre and social acceptance of divorce just make it easier to walk away.