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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how many couples stay together for the kids?

199 replies

Pointles · 04/04/2022 06:48

Just that really. There must be loads or is this crazy? My parents did and I'm heading down the same route.

Anyone else?

(This thread isn't svout whether it's good for the kids or not. If anyone is interested a lot of research seems to show that unless the relationship is abusive or toxic it unfortunately is better for the kids if the parents stay together though that depends of course on the individual situation.)

OP posts:
Patchbatch · 04/04/2022 11:55

@DrSbaitso

I think a lot of people say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the lifestyle.

Certainly understandable with the current COL crisis.

Yep absolutely, or not wanting to be apart from their children which although understandable, isn't necessarily the best thing for the children. People should be honest about why and not justify it by saying ah but it's best for them. It's also baffling as why waste years with someone who doesn't want to be with you, I have no doubt some who remain living together have unconventional relationships with others, but fuck that.
worriedatthistime · 04/04/2022 11:55

To add when me and dh have had tough times we have always loved each other even if we didn't like each other very much at that point so that helps as love is still there

Patchbatch · 04/04/2022 11:56

My parents did and I'm heading down the same route.

I think this is also relevant, do you want your children to enter the same cycle? I wouldn't.

Villagewaspbyke · 04/04/2022 12:00

Stay ‘for the kids’ if you want to, but he aware what you really mean is you’re staying because it’s easier for you

This ^. Of course you should work at relationships and not leave at the first signs of trouble. But if your “staying for the kids” then you are acknowledging the relationship is over. I doubt many people in those circumstances are actually staying for the kids - more often they are staying for the lifestyle/ perceived status/ scared of change etc

Villagewaspbyke · 04/04/2022 12:02

My parents claimed they were staying for the children. They created a miserable and toxic home. It did not benefit me or my siblings

DebtheSander · 04/04/2022 12:10

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda

We’ve definitely been through a couple of phases of this over the years, times were tough and we gritted our teeth and got through it. Some of them we had counselling for, some we didn’t. Thankfully we came through them, our children have mostly left home and we are still together and happily so.

So I suppose my post illustrates that it isn’t always an analogue thing. The bad patches (sometimes months or years) can be got through and you can come out the other side as a couple. Obviously that relies on both of you wanting the same thing though and being willing to put the effort in.

I completely agree with this. There was a time where I questioned whether we were just in it for the kids. To keep the family lifestyle in tact. And perhaps we were.

But fast forward a few years and everything is far, far better. Marriages have tough patches. Some can be weathered, some will break a marriage. But for a bad patch to be weathered there does need to be light at the end of the tunnel. A shared love and respect. Without that, a bad patch will most likely end a marriage.

MistyFuckingQuigley · 04/04/2022 12:13

@SemperIdem

I think it is very common. I think it is weak too.
How rude. If I left I could only afford a room in a shared house. So how could I house my kids? It's not weak, it reality. I'm saving and then will leave when I can afford to.
5329871e · 04/04/2022 12:16

@Anythingbutsnow

Isn't staying together for the kids a good reason to stay together?
This!
SemperIdem · 04/04/2022 12:18

@MistyFuckingQuigley - so you’re not staying for the kids, are you? You’re staying until you can reasonably afford to leave. My comment was not directed towards anyone doing similar, rather people who are willingly accepting miserable half lives for the rest of their lives.

I have left, it is hard. But worth it. I wish you the best.

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 12:20

And I wonder how many have broke up because of kids? Tbh I regret leaving my ex and definitely should have stayed for the kids.

MistyFuckingQuigley · 04/04/2022 12:21

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Mera85 · 04/04/2022 12:26

@Eyedropeyeflop THIS

LostOrFound · 04/04/2022 12:29

I think a good split is better than a bad split at any point. My parents stayed together “for the kids” and the relationship combusted in a horrible acrimonious way within weeks of me leaving for university.

It was horrible for me - frankly the stability of home was no less needed then than it was at earlier stages of my life, if anything I found it harder having so much upheaval and change in one go. Plus I felt the guilt was loaded on us because my mum tried to excuse her behaviour (affair) by explaining there had been no love for years and they’d only been together “for the kids”.

It would have been better for them to have parted amicably years earlier.

PermanentTemporary · 04/04/2022 12:29

My parents split 2 years after my graduation but were unhappy for decades before that. I am moderately glad they stayed together for as long as they did but it is noticeable that my sister and I both have pretty chequered relationship histories. Some of the things my dad put my mum through were simply unforgivable, and yet she stayed and stayed - it was he who left in the end.

I don't think life is perfect - there are pros and cons to any action.

MargosKaftan · 04/04/2022 12:36

Its worth it for some people to leave. Some people will have a happier and better overall life as a single parent. However from our friends who did split for a year then get back together (mainly for the DC), its not always better apart. The money that would have to be spent running 2 households can be spent on a more comfortable life for the DC. They both get to see their dc every day. It wouldn't be the right choice for everyone, but its very arrogant to dismiss everyone making that choice as automatically wrong.

Once you've had dcs with someone, if the relationship doesn't work out, there are no perfect solutions.

Keepitrealnomists · 04/04/2022 12:41

People stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons, wrongly or rightly. My sibling is staying for the kids and for financial reasons. The relationship is toxic and they should just end it. Ironically we were brought up in the exaft same circumstances so the cycle is just being repeated.
I would not stay with someone just for the children, I couldn't live like that and life is too short. I love my husband very much, we have an amazing life together and are very happy 10 years in. If that all changed over time we woukd have to split up.

SemperIdem · 04/04/2022 12:48

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springsmiles · 04/04/2022 12:52

I really wanted a separation after DC2. One drunken night and ended up with 3 DC. Practically managing three children was going to be a challenge and cost of setting up two homes and quality of life (financial).

We stayed together and have made it work. In fact as the children have grown, our relationship has improved.

But the key thing is whilst I wanted to separate I love my husband and our relationship as a couple had been an issue, but we are relatively happy together.

Now as we the youngest is 8, i can see a future together post children.

I think as long as you can live together and are not fighting all the time, it can be worth staying together for the children. But the most important thing is that children have a happy harmonious home. If they are living with two unhappy parents who are always arguing then it's best to consider separating

Lightning020 · 04/04/2022 12:55

Where is this supposed research that it is better for the children to stay together than separate? Growing up in a toxic environment won't help children feel nurtured whatsoever.

Lightning020 · 04/04/2022 12:56

I do understand that living on one income would be a struggle for many of course.

Myboypink · 04/04/2022 12:57

@DrSbaitso -

‘ I think a lot of people say they're staying for the kids when really they're staying for the lifestyle.

Certainly understandable with the current COL crisis.’

Yes!

MistyFuckingQuigley · 04/04/2022 12:59

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timestheyarechanging · 04/04/2022 13:08

I did but my ExH worked long hours and was away a lot so it wasn't a huge upheaval for the kids (then 5 and 10).
He bought a flat and had them EOW.
We co parented fine - they're adults now.
Yes my life changed dramatically financially and I had to work full time, having worked part time after the children, but we managed, with parental help re childcare after school. We stayed in the family home until my eldest was adult. I then had to move to a smaller place and my kids, then 15 and 20 went to live with my ExH as he could afford a house. That was heartbreaking but we stayed amicable and I saw/see them whenever we want to.
I would rather be in a worse off financial situation than continue living a miserable life.
I was fortunate to be able to still run a car and, with his maintenance, the kids still went to all their clubs, have a pony etc.
I've since met someone new, as has he. We're all happy

Mumoblue · 04/04/2022 13:15

Ultimately I couldn’t do it.
I attempted to “fix” our relationship after his emotional affair but I realised I would rather my son have two separated happy parents than him having one set of miserable together parents.

Plus his father put in such little effort with him when we all lived in the same house- the same effort condensed into his weekly visitation looks like more by comparison. All involved seem happier now.

Obviously I can’t say what’s best for anyone else- but I simply couldn’t spend years silently screaming while I waited for my son to grow up.

LetHimHaveIt · 04/04/2022 13:22

It's neither 'weak' nor 'cowardly', but I congratulate all the truly heroic divorcees on here, who doubtless have the thanks of a grateful nation and a 'Pride of Britain' award 🙄

If you're truly miserable; if your life is utter shit; if you're being abused; if you've got a few quid - you should probably go.

But it's expensive to maintain two households, especially with the ever-rising CoL, and it's hard not seeing your kids everyday. If things are just 'ok', it's probably better to stay: my kids don't know I'm quite unhappy - they themselves are not - and I'm not particularly interested in another relationship. But some of us are better actresses than others, and some of us don't need the thrill or validation of a new bed partner, either.

I'm not a martyr, but I'm not selfish, either. I'm doing ok.