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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think marriage is a thing of the past?

232 replies

StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:28

So, I have 2 children, work part time - although could return full time in a heartbeat, own my
House. If we split I would then work full time and be able to afford to live by myself with the kids?

Why is going part time after babies seen as being financially dependant?

Also, my partner doesn’t have any other assets so I really don’t understand what this ‘no children before marriage’ statement is?

OP posts:
Hercisback · 01/04/2022 12:29

As you've just proved, marriage being a benefit or a potential cost, depends on the circumstances of the couple.

MurmuratingStarling · 01/04/2022 12:36

YABVU, and utterly ridiculous to assume every woman's circumstances are the same as yours. Bully for you if you own your own house, and could afford to live by yourself if you had no partner, and could 'go back to work full time in a heartbeat.' Not every woman has that option.

I suppose you, and your wonderful well-paid career (which you clearly have, to be able to afford all this on your own,) can fund a full time nanny for said 2 children? Or will you take them to work with you? Hmm

What a ridiculous thread. Hmm

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:42

@MurmuratingStarling you are assuming I have a well paid career, why would I have to be earning a really high amount of money to afford mortgage, bills etc by myself? What I don’t understand is the big no no to kids before marriage?????

OP posts:
Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:44

Statements like this make women feel inferior…just because I am not married doesn’t make me at a weaker position? You are completely missing the point, I am
Not having a dig at women who are not in this position? I am having a dig at the people who say you shouldn’t have kids before marriage??? I just really do not understand the protection that marriage gives?

OP posts:
Capturetotalelotion · 01/04/2022 12:44

Inheritance tax.

HardyBuckette · 01/04/2022 12:44

You seem to have confused not relevant in your circumstances with thing of the past per se. They're not the same thing.

Suzi888 · 01/04/2022 12:45

@Hercisback

As you've just proved, marriage being a benefit or a potential cost, depends on the circumstances of the couple.
😆 Exactly this!
Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:46

I also didn’t have children until I knew I could provide for them by myself if the shit hit the fan?

What would I gain from
Being married? And why are people so pushy about it?

OP posts:
stormswiftlysweetafton · 01/04/2022 12:46

Might not be for you, but it's premature to say it's a thing of the past. For many, it's still important, regardless of whether one has children or is financially self-sufficient.

InDubiousBattle · 01/04/2022 12:46

Going pt is seen as being financially dependent because it usually is, at least to some degree. Your have to be on a pretty high salary for half (or whatever pt you're on)to be enough to pay for everything. Not everyone can return to ft in a heart beat.

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:48

I want to
Marry for the right reasons though? Not with the intention that he might screw me over?

OP posts:
CurlyToStraight · 01/04/2022 12:48

@StaceyP92

So, I have 2 children, work part time - although could return full time in a heartbeat, own my House. If we split I would then work full time and be able to afford to live by myself with the kids?

Why is going part time after babies seen as being financially dependant?

Also, my partner doesn’t have any other assets so I really don’t understand what this ‘no children before marriage’ statement is?

Let me help you out by turning your post into mine:

So, I have one child, work part time. No option to go full time.
Don't own my own home. If we split I would struggle to find full-time work that would enable me to live by myself and my child as I am not highly educated. We agreed before we decided to have children that I would give up my full-time job (but not well paid) and become a SAHM and therefore I became financially dependant on my husband. I have no assets of my own so I don't understand what this "children before marriage" statement is.

That's why I am married. Well, apart from the probably more important fact that I love my husband and WANTED to be married to him!

Does that help? Can you really not see the pluses & minuses to different scenarios?

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:49

@HardyBuckette yes…maybe I could have worded it better,

My gran Said to me the other day, still
Not married the ? Why?!?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 01/04/2022 12:50

Well in your case there may not be any benefit to getting married, you might not gain from it. Others do. Who's being pushy about it? I think it's fairly socially acceptable to not get married now, certainly compared to when my parents were young.

BoodleBug51 · 01/04/2022 12:50

I think it depends on which partner has the assets, tbh.

In your situation, no I wouldn't marry.

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:52

I think it was when my Gran said..still
Not married…I always walk away thinking is that what we need to do to
Prove we are committed/love each other?

OP posts:
MurmuratingStarling · 01/04/2022 12:52

What @CurlyToStraight said, is a much more common scenario for women with children than the scenario the OP claims to have.

ScarlettSunset · 01/04/2022 12:52

People who are not married have no financial obligations to each other. This can potentially impact on either partner, but after children, it is usually the women who ends up taking a hit to their finances.
In some families, it works out cheaper for one partner to stay at home with the children rather than send them to childcare. In the vast majority of cases, it is the woman who gives up her job to do this.
She is then not earning any income of her own and may not be building up any credits to her pension either. If the house is in the name of her partner, she also has no claim to that either.
If after a number of years, the couple split up, she is left with no rights to the house and often no money of her own, with her career prospects drastically reduced which may impact her for the rest of her life.
If the couple had been married, she would have been entitled to at least some of the assets that her husband had been able to build up (due to the fact he was working and earning throughout) which at the very least, could help her get back on her feet after their split.

MurmuratingStarling · 01/04/2022 12:52

@StaceyP92 You are breathtakingly naïve and clueless.

InDubiousBattle · 01/04/2022 12:54

X post with you op. So it's your gran that's said something. If you feel that you want to explain why you're not married you can just say what you have in your op.

Thejoyfulstar · 01/04/2022 12:54

Marriage is important for me. Its an institution and a commitment that has joined me to my husband in a way that nothing else can, including our children. It enables me to live out my Christian faith in a day to day way. It's more than just a piece of paper to me, or even some kind of legal çontract. It has a deep spiritual meaning that has changed my outlook and how I treat my husband. I totally get that many people don't share my views though!

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:54

I am not saying that I earn a crazy amount
Of money either, I am
Just saying I would have the option to go full
Time if I needed to and would afford to provide..granted we wouldn’t have the luxuries we have now but I’d still
Manage?

Sorry if you think I am being unreasonable maybe I am not putting this across well at all

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 01/04/2022 12:55

For many women, having children puts them in a financially dependent position on their male partner. Childcare is expensive and it is often women who step back from full time work with income and pension implications.

If you are not married then the partner making the childcare sacrifices may be left in the lurch if the other partner leaves.

In my case, it is DH who benefits from us being married as I was the asset owning high earner and he was the SAHP. I already owned a property before we married and earn multiples of his salary. Should I have left him unprotected?

youlightupmyday · 01/04/2022 12:57

Your circumstances are great for you but, newsflash, not everyone is you

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 01/04/2022 12:57

As well as the obvious rights around property, there are other legal implications of being married or in a civil partnership particularly if one of you dies.