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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think marriage is a thing of the past?

232 replies

StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 12:28

So, I have 2 children, work part time - although could return full time in a heartbeat, own my
House. If we split I would then work full time and be able to afford to live by myself with the kids?

Why is going part time after babies seen as being financially dependant?

Also, my partner doesn’t have any other assets so I really don’t understand what this ‘no children before marriage’ statement is?

OP posts:
Minatrina · 01/04/2022 13:45

And, quite frankly, the rhetoric of 'marriage is a thing of the past/just a piece of paper etc' has actively harmed so many women that have gone along with it. The ones who find after spending years as sahm or in low paid part times jobs, their partner kicks them out and they have a struggle financially.

Agree with this. I have a friend with a delightful (read: awful) partner who's convinced her that marriage is a pointless piece of paper. She's now pregnant and is planning on giving up her job to become a SAHM and live in her boyfriend's house. I have gently tried to make her realise how much marriage could protect her but she won't have it because he's convinced her that it's uncool to get married Hmm

Also OP, a lot of people just think getting married is a romantic and frankly obvious thing to do idk what to tell you 🤷‍♀️

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 01/04/2022 13:46

We married so that my husband was legally my next of kin,. Prior to that my dad could enforce his next of kin rights...

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 13:48

Yes agreed, I wouldn’t become a SAHM if I wasn’t married

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 01/04/2022 13:49

It totally depends on your circumstances. My divorce cost me money that could have been spent on my children. I had to pay my ex a settlement not the other way round. Everyone should thoroughly research their situation (or potential situation such as having children) and options.

Neongoddess · 01/04/2022 13:49

@StaceyP92

My DP has put my as his next of kin for life insurance etc but I’m not too sure why haha?

I love him more than anything in the world I really do. Would love to get married if would say yes if he asked of course, it just hasn’t come up yet. I’ve had my fair share of mental health issues since the kids came along so probably made him feel he was taking a risk hahah!

So you have kids and own property with someone and have never ever discussed getting married.

Me and dp discussed it, before we ever lived together. We aren't doing it. But it's important to be on the same page.

Sounds like you know he doesn't want to. But you want to and trying to convince yourself that it's not a big deal.

Mia85 · 01/04/2022 13:49

@DaphneSprucesPippasClack

We married so that my husband was legally my next of kin,. Prior to that my dad could enforce his next of kin rights...
Which country are you in! What next of kin rights are they? It sounds terrifying!
GooglyEyeballs · 01/04/2022 13:49

@StaceyP92

I’m not privileged, we got a mortgage i new I could afford the repayments on if anything happened (nothing spectacular just a 3 bed semi) I also don’t have an amazing job, just enough to get me by if needed. How is that privileged? I’m not here for an argument at all! I just see a lot of threads of women who want children and then other women are posting saying you would be daft if not married, but it’s not always the case
how is that priveliged?

... Really??

RewildingAmbridge · 01/04/2022 13:53

I got married despite being the higher earner bringing more assets to the marriage. It is an indication of commitment for most people, whilst divorce is possible I do believe people are more likely to work on a marriage before walking away, which is much easier to do with no legal ties. I made it clear that I wouldn't consider children without being married both DH and my other previous long term partner respected that, that's not too say I'm very traditional or conservative I had plenty of wild times in my youth, it was just a hard line for me, a signal that we're in this forever and that's what I needed before thinking about babies . I like being married. It wasn't an insurance policy for me, I could support DS alone and so could DH although life wouldn't be as comfortable for either of us.

I would always advocate it for anyone who intends to put themselves in a financially precarious position following children, but that wasn't my motivation.

Cameliah · 01/04/2022 13:57

I have never daydreamed about a white dress, marriage of any part of it
Me neither. I went to the register office in a blue suit and they drew up a legal contract to protect my financial investment in this relationship. The marriage contract protects me from being financially disadvantaged because I’ve birthed his child and provided him with domestic support. It ensures that in the event of separation or death I get my fair share of assets. It also ensures that we can legally make decisions for each other in the event that one of us is incapacitated. Romance has nothing to do with it.

burnoutbabe · 01/04/2022 13:58

i won't benefit from being married (no kids, i have house mortgage free)

Therefore I won't marry

Showing other people our commitment is not enough upside to the LOSE 50% of my assets downside.

Scottishskifun · 01/04/2022 13:58

There are many reasons why people marry some advantages are marriage tax, cheaper bills especially things like life insurance, automatic rights for the father, automatic next of kin, no issues travelling with children with separate surnames etc etc etc.
For women it can provide security especially if a house is in husbands name.

Marriage ultimately is personal choice for many women it offers greater protection. I personally married because I wanted to show that ultimate commitment to a life with my husband. That's my feelings on marriage though and everyone is different.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 14:04

I would second what others have said. I became seriously ill a few years ago, out of the blue. I could not work (or do anything) for two years. I would have felt very frightened to be in that position and unmarried. It could just walk out on me...not that he would, but I could not pay a mortgage or a bill or anything. I have not been able to work again properly since.

We don't know what is around the corner, so any extra security even for the remote chance you will need it, is a really good idea. A plan B if you are incapacitated etc. We will always think we are loved, and healthy and bad things won't happen but that is an illusion of the young.

You have been together for a long time, a very long time, if you want to be married ask him! Perhaps with some chats in the run up so he is expecting it.

Whatalovelydaffodil · 01/04/2022 14:10

[quote StaceyP92]@MurmuratingStarling you are assuming I have a well paid career, why would I have to be earning a really high amount of money to afford mortgage, bills etc by myself? What I don’t understand is the big no no to kids before marriage?????[/quote]
Because marriage normally means you have committed to that person. It make sense to have a committed relationship before you have children.

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 14:11

Can you be committed without being married? Because I know I am?

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 01/04/2022 14:13

@StaceyP92

I also didn’t have children until I knew I could provide for them by myself if the shit hit the fan?

What would I gain from
Being married? And why are people so pushy about it?

And how will your partner provide for them if the shit hits the fan and you die? And he inherits fuck all of your estate, loses his home because you own it and he has no rights to it and he gets no bereavement allowance because you never bothered to put a ring on his finger?
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 01/04/2022 14:15

There are good reasons for people in @burnoutbabe's situation for example. And that's a considered decision. It's women who drift into a weaker financial position in a relationship without really being aware of it that are at risk. I know someone whose dp threw her and the dc out when she objected to his affair. She was a SAHM and the house was in his name. She has now moved in with another man (his house) and works in his company. He seems decent but she's still vulnerable. If he dumps her or dies she's got nothing again.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 14:17

The question isn't really your commitment op, is he committed to you?

Have you covered all the bases in terms of death, wills, estate, incapacitation.

Is he going to stay with you if you lost your legs one day in a car accident? He may not if you were married, but at least you have guaranteed half the assets and pensions etc.

Fundays12 · 01/04/2022 14:19

I am married because we both wanted to be. Our 3 kids were born after we were married as that’s what we both wanted. It was the right decision for me and dh and being married is important to us. However I would never judge anyone who has kids and isn’t married. That’s there business not mine.

HikingforScenery · 01/04/2022 14:22

I’m married because that’s what we both wanted to do before children. I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t want that. Neither would DH.
You sound like you’re not happy with your situation tbh. Speak to your partner, if that’s the case.

HardyBuckette · 01/04/2022 14:32

The OP is sort of right in the sense that if you two earning partners with their own assets marriage is completely pointless.

Not in the slightest. At different ends of the spectrum, couples might find access to the full range of bereavement benefits or IHT exemptions when one dies to be very useful and desirable.

Strokethefurrywall · 01/04/2022 14:34

I chose marriage as I wanted the foundation of stability before we had children.
But romance is bullshit and intertwining it with marriage is where society goes wrong - marriage is not, and should not be something dangled in front of a woman's face as a carrot, like they're the ones that win the prize if a man wants to marry them.
It is a merger contract, signifying the intention to intertwine finances and convey that financial protection over both parties (and children by default).

Women are constantly told they can have everything and yet continue to put their trust in men who don't deliver, and tie themselves to these dickheads by having children with them. Children that they're inevitably left in sole care of women when these men fuck off elsewhere.
At least if you marry the dickhead, it's harder for them to leave you with nothing.

I'm very lucky that I was a high earner before I got married and had no option to work anything other than full time so have never had to sacrifice my career or growth.
But childcare in UK is so expensive that it doesn't allow for women to retain their independence and therefore men continue to "win" when it comes to having a family.

But honestly OP, if you don't realise that everyone's situation is different then there's no educating you is there...

Whatalovelydaffodil · 01/04/2022 14:37

@StaceyP92

Can you be committed without being married? Because I know I am?
Yes Of course you can . But getting married makes it more official and you become legally tied to eachother.
Kingharoldshairstyle · 01/04/2022 14:38

You seem really angry and agitated. Why start a thread saying marriage is a thing of the past then declaring you’d love to be married but basically he’s not asked you (so doesn’t wish to ).

ZoeCM · 01/04/2022 14:40

And I’m pushed to do so because of stuff like tax etc.

Those laws need to go!

Then the push for this expensive club to join/ expensive club to leave will go away

The whole point of marriage is that it's a legal contract. If you remove the laws around it, it becomes meaningless.

Original poster
StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 14:42

No I just don’t want to be classed as some sort of idiot for not marrying before children.

OP posts:
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