Page 3 | To think marriage is a thing of the past?

StaceyP92 · 2022-04-01T11:28:07+00:00

So, I have 2 children, work part time - although could return full time in a heartbeat, own my House. If we split I would then work full time and be able to afford to live by myself with the kids? Why is going part time after babies seen as being financially dependant? Also, my partner doesn’t have any other assets so I really don’t understand what this ‘no children before marriage’ statement is?

Awakened22 · 01/04/2022 13:24

I understand where your coming from - marriage seems like more of a choice now that’s dependent on personal circumstances/preference rather than a requirement. I grew up assuming that I would get married but not so sure now. I’m financially independent, own my home and whilst I would have to cut back on luxuries, I could afford to work full time with kids in nursery if/when I have them.

To me, having kids is a bigger commitment to a relationship then marriage but can also understand the need to have the correct legal protections in place whether through marriage, civil partnership, wills or some other means.

maxineputyourredshoeson · 01/04/2022 13:26

I married DH because it was important to me. Honestly until I met him I was adamant I would never marry or have DC. When I met him that changed, I don’t know why just something did - cliché I know. We married when DD1 was 18mths, we didn’t know on the day, I was pregnant with DD2. I don’t know who was more surprised me or my parents that I totally changed my mind on marriage or kids.

If we were to divorce, or worse, DH was to die I would never remarry. I’m not at all religious but I married once and for life.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 13:26

You need to ask your family to stop talking about it if it upsets you. It looks like you are all set up, should things fail, and you have your head screwed on. You don't need to justify yourself and your life to anyone else including Granny. Just laugh and say Marriage is so last century Granny if she persists.

From your update you seem like you are not adverse to getting married? So why not have that conversation with dp if you want to? Or if you are happy, continue as you are. No one really cares these days, as long as both parties are protected properly financially.

LadyHenryofRawlinsonEnd · 01/04/2022 13:27

I have never been married, although I have not had children either. I've lived a fairly arty lifestyle and very much valued my freedom and autonomy, although thankfully not at the cost of losing out on love and loyal commitments.
My own partner and I have lived both together and apart for over 30 years, and have separate finances, which we tend to share regardless. We also have wills!

However I do think women are still encouraged to 'marry well' whether this is said aloud or not. I see it quite often on this website. I shudder when I read such threads....

We are all different, and our differences, if well intentioned, deserve respect, so I should think people ought to marry if it has meaning for them.
Perhaps also to teach our daughters to become self sufficient and dependent upon no man. No matter how wealthy or sound he may seem, to rely upon another's generosity (and yes, even within a marriage) reduces a woman's personal power and ability to leave as a result of abuse.
Marriage for money/security rather hobbles women the world over, however lucky some may seem.

Ladies, find your own security, then marry, if you must :)

Legoisthebest · 01/04/2022 13:27

Next of kin?
Who would you prefer to make the decision to switch off your life support if the worst happened?
The person who is the father of your children and is also the person you are most likely to have had deep and meaningful conversations about life?
Or your (possibly elderly) parents?
Who would be your next of kin if your parents are gone? A random aunt? One of your children once they reach 18? Can you imagine a just turned 18 year old having to make that decision?

Champsandbubbles · 01/04/2022 13:28

I have a good career and worked hard to be where I am. Together in our marriage it has allowed us to buy a bigger home in a nice area one that I can't afford on my own. As we've had children ive worked less hours, my husbands career soared. He works late and he depends on my to sort all evening childcare, (after 3/5pm) all bills, household tasks,shopping,
cooking cleaning.

If we were to split despite my good role I would be priced out purely from the area that we live. Our children are settled as am I and it would be upsetting to leave.

So could I support myself on my own, yes but would it be near to the only place my children know and I like, no

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 13:28

I agree having children is the bigger commitment out of the two.

BeardyButton · 01/04/2022 13:28

You ask a lot of questions.

Anyfeckinusername · 01/04/2022 13:29

I feel like I hail from another planet because when people talk about marriage and husbands it’s like a foreign concept to me.

I’ve a great life, really good salary and two great kids. I would feel very weird about someone being in here with me for life… married, tied…. Just don’t get it!

I have never daydreamed about a white dress, marriage of any part of it. I have romantic love and all that, but marriage to me is just what??? I simply don’t get it.

And I’m pushed to do so because of stuff like tax etc.

Those laws need to go!

Then the push for this expensive club to join/ expensive club to leave will go away

Neongoddess · 01/04/2022 13:30

@StaceyP92

I’m not privileged, we got a mortgage i new I could afford the repayments on if anything happened (nothing spectacular just a 3 bed semi) I also don’t have an amazing job, just enough to get me by if needed. How is that privileged? I’m not here for an argument at all! I just see a lot of threads of women who want children and then other women are posting saying you would be daft if not married, but it’s not always the case

Of course that's privilege.

Lots of people dont live in a area where a house that fits a family can be afforded by one ok full time wage. Or you had a huge deposit. Again, not everyone can get in that position.

Marrying for love only and not think about the implications of it or not doing it is ridiculous. At its core, its a legal contract. Forgetting that and thinking its only for love is heading for trouble.

InDubiousBattle · 01/04/2022 13:30

We must be reading very different threads op! I usually find that when a woman posts that she owns her home and is financially independent she's pretty much always advised to remain unmarried.

Kendodd · 01/04/2022 13:31

What I don't really understand is how people can say they aren't really to get married, or as you say, it hasn't come up and yet they ARE ready to have children with this person. Setting aside the +/- of marriage, surely deciding to have children is an even bigger deal than getting married? How can people see marriage as something to be more cautious of or a bigger commitment than having children with someone?

user1497207191 · 01/04/2022 13:31

If you're not getting married you should both.....

Make a will;
Create a power of attorney;
In your wills you need to nominate your preference/instructions for who will look after your children and how they'll be paid to do that;
You need to nominate beneficiaries for your life insurance/pensions etc;
You may need to change the legal ownership of your marital home (i.e. whether tenants in common or joint tenants etc).

Getting married includes a whole raft of legal "protections" for yourself, spouse and children, based over decades/centuries of experience. If you don't get married, then you need to create your own provisions/protections.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/04/2022 13:33

@MurmuratingStarling who rattled your cage? Your post is presumptous and nasty.

The point about marriage is that its an insurance policy for the lower earning or non-earning partner (usually, though not always, the woman).

The OP is sort of right in the sense that if you two earning partners with their own assets marriage is completely pointless. It's also a potential risk for a partner who is earning more, which is why many men are very reluctant to get married. If women are independent marriage should be redundant.

The problem is, however, that a large number of women find their economic power is severely damaged by having children. In that scenario you absolutely should be married to protect yourself in case the marriage ends or your partner dies.

But all things being equal and with two independent partners which is the goal for everyone marriage should be pointless. It serves no other purpose these days.

Swayingpalmtrees · 01/04/2022 13:33

I will always advise my girls to ensure they have a sound career, savings and financial independence, and enjoy being free and living their best life. They don't need to be tethered to a dh or dc unless they want to. I have always been a bit of a free spirit and have zero expectations of them, and support whatever they choose.

However both talk of having children and look forward to meeting someone to share their lives with. I realise what a great marriage dh and I have that they have a very positive idea of what it means to be married for life. I was the opposite never wanted either and wanted to roam the world as a pioneer so who knows....enjoy the experience, the love, the life, the essence - married or not don't let others kill your joy and achievements op. I would assume your granny worries for you, and it is meant kindly.

Original poster

StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 13:33

My DP has put my as his next of kin for life insurance etc but I’m not too sure why haha?

I love him more than anything in the world I really do. Would love to get married if would say yes if he asked of course, it just hasn’t come up yet. I’ve had my fair share of mental health issues since the kids came along so probably made him feel he was taking a risk hahah!

OP posts:

Ivyonafence · 01/04/2022 13:35

@StaceyP92

No, I am not married because it hasn’t come up yet, I would though, I just don’t see the absolute need!

You have two children but marriage 'hasn't come up'?

OK.

Your post really lacks insight or imagination- other people have different circumstances and lives to you. On the whole in the UK women are at a disadvantage if they have children and are unmarried.

Good for you for being financially independent and getting to have children. That's not most peoples deal.

Also I just ate a sandwich so I don't understand world hunger. I should start a thread.

HereWeGoAgain322 · 01/04/2022 13:36

We had children and a mortgage before we got married. We married out of love but MN taught me that being married gives me financial security too. Especially with being the low earner.

Ivyonafence · 01/04/2022 13:37

@StaceyP92

My DP has put my as his next of kin for life insurance etc but I’m not too sure why haha?

I love him more than anything in the world I really do. Would love to get married if would say yes if he asked of course, it just hasn’t come up yet. I’ve had my fair share of mental health issues since the kids came along so probably made him feel he was taking a risk hahah!

It sounds like you want to get married. Is that why it bothers you when people ask why you aren't?

InDubiousBattle · 01/04/2022 13:39

How long have you been together op? I think it's pretty unusual for marriage to have never come up when you have dc and live together.

MrsMiddleMother · 01/04/2022 13:41

I think more women should get married before having children, it'll make it more difficult for the men to just fuck off and pay nothing like I know many.

RealRaymondReddington · 01/04/2022 13:42

If it isn't the right thing for you then fine, no problem and I doubt most people would bat an eyelid. My husband and I love each other and, for us, part of that meant getting married and being husband and wife. It means a lot to us.

Hayisforhorse · 01/04/2022 13:43

Pregnancy complications left me disabled and unable to work full time. Therefore despite the fact I had a well paid professional FT career before pregnancy, pregnancy severely and unexpectedly impacted my future earning potential and independence.

DC was also born with an unexpected congenital defect which meant he was unable to go into childcare for some time which meant that I couldn't return to my job when I expected to.

Even without those complications many women find that maternity leave alone is enough to slow/damage their career, whilst their partner's soars ever higher.

Original poster

StaceyP92 · 01/04/2022 13:43

I suppose it makes me think my partner isn’t committed to me, although the says he is but he feels I would constantly threaten him with divorce as we haven’t got on great since the kids were born. I understand why he hasn’t asked me yet as I would have had it been the other way round, but I know he loves me and we have been together since we were 18 and we are 32 now

OP posts:

Cameliah · 01/04/2022 13:45

When you have a child your finances take a hit. Marriage ensures you get a fair chunk of money and assets from the father if you separate, in order to compensate for the loss you incurred by having his child.

You also need to consider the fact that if your husband gets sick you’re his next of kin and can make decisions. If he dies you pay no inheritance tax, you’re in charge of organising the funeral and disposing of assets, and you may get an insurance payout or part of his pension fund. If you aren’t married his mother will be his next of kin, and if she’s a bitch she could ruin your life. I guarantee if my DH got sick and we weren’t married, my MIL wouldn’t let me have any say in his treatment, or in his funeral arrangements if he died. She would immediately seize his assets and his half of our house, as well as any insurance payout or other money. One of the main reasons I insisted on marriage was to ensure that I would be his next of kin, not her.