Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

[CoffeeLover90]

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

The most vital thing you have done is remove an abuser from your sons life.

your son 100pc would have gone on to abuse his own future wife/girlfriend in the same way I’m certain your ex was exposed to domestic abuse growing up himself.

please remember this if you ever want to go back there - this is how men become abusers - they grow up with it.

don’t do that to your son, be a good role model for him. Keep him away from situations where he is exposed to the dynamics of abuse

SS try so hard to drum this into mothers but often they don’t believe it or don’t believe their children hear the beatings or arguments ‘they were asleep’ is a common one.

stay strong. I was so pleased for you when I read your update!

Great update, OP.

I'm so glad you got the help you needed.

I don't know how to say this without being patronising but bloody well done op. You are an absolute legend!

Just reiterating is SS say don’t take him back and you do, you will lose your child. That said, so sorry that must have been so frightening. But its your home and your money so moving on will be easier for you. Please do not ever entertain this man again. He could have killed you. It’s a pattern. Please press charges.

That is a great update OP. My daughter is going through something similar now, thankfully her kids are late teens and unrelated to the user.

Taking the abuse is something that creeps up on you, usually following a love bombing. I hope my daughter has the same result you have, although I think with trauma bonding even though you know it's not something that's healthy, it's so hard to be able to see it for what it is. It takes time to untangle. Best of luck to you and your little one for a happy, healthy and successful future together.

Comments like this aren't helpful. Until you've been under an abusive man's thumb you can't ever know what its like.

OP inform the police he's threatened to kill you.
Lock the doors and leave your keys in. All the doors and windows locked.
If you can ask a friend to stay over. If someone has a dog even better.
Get his stuff together. Get it out the house.
He's out the house. You need to keep it that way now. And you need to show social services that you're committed to keeping him out.

What a numpty I am! Sorry!

What a numpty I am!

Yep

"I'd like to come back to this thread in a years time and feel like it was written by a different person."

It's already being written by a 'different person'. The woman you were in March is not the woman you are now. Yours is a success story that should be read by anyone who is in an abusive relationship.

Congratulations!

The challenge will be to not take him back down the road. Right now you are angry and on an adrenaline high and you want nothing to do with him but months from now when you are lonely and he is being sweet and kind and is sober, that is when it is easy to slip. To just want his help with one little thing or to have home over just for a few minutes and then it goes from there. You knew exactly who he was before and you took him back. You need to do some work intense work with professionals to change the mindset you have had all along that allowed you to keep taking him back. I am sure you have had more than one separation in 17 years and you decided to have a child with him knowing who he was.

You have taken essential first steps and done everything right at the moment. The hard work is sticking to it down the road.

Well done op! I prayed from that first post you’d do this.I had a sneaky feeling you would luv.you’d passed a point of no return you could hear it in you.his rope had snapped from your shackled feet.you seemed ready. And I’m so glad you were able to follow through.
but hey there now don’t just wish to come back and see those changes. Because although that will be brilliant.you also need to think how f** fantastic you are already and how much you’ve already done for freedom and happiness.my god op you’ve literally been working wonders for yourself and your little one.it’s taken guts and bravery.
So give yourself so much love now ok.
be so proud of yourself right now. This is your future and you’ve got so much to look forward to.and thanks to you so does your dc.

Hi - sorry that you’re going through this.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is open 24/7. You can share as much or as little as you want with them. They’ll listen without judgement and help you understand your options. They can also help connect you to specialist services. The number is 0808 2000 247.

The Refuge and Women’s Aid websites are excellent sources of information.

These people want to and can help you find safety. Please contact them. Grounding activities might be helpful in the meantime. Breathe in for 4 - hold it for 6 (or 4) - breathe out for 8 (or 4).

Sending love xx

Great to hear from you OP, and well done for what you have achieved so far, you really have done a fantastic thing for you and for your son.

Thanks for updates OP. Well done on staying strong for you and your DS. Ex and his mother both sound like pieces of work and your life will be so much better without them in it. Really pleased you have got yourself out of this abusive situation.

Um... sorry, i have no idea of how the tale of my shitty arse ended up on this thread. Awkward 😬

OP it's probably not the drink or drugs, it sounds like he has a personalty disorder called NPD. If you research it, you might recognise many of his traits and in turn, that will give you strength. He will eventually move on to someone else and he'll act like you both never existed (hopefully). Until then, protect yourself and your son. I know how easy it is to be manipulated by these types.

Well done OP this is very brave. Don’t worry about ss they have to make sure your son is safe so don’t give them any ammo now and make sure you don’t go anywhere near him, that includes his family too, their loyalty will be with them so don’t let them see your dc unless it’s a formal arrangement but personally I wouldn’t want anything to do with them to be on the safe side. Just remember if you take him back you will lose your dc.

I’m so sorry op i didn’t read your latest update, I’m so pleased for you. So glad they closed the case and well done, you’re amazing!

Alcoholics wreck families.

OK op. Time to get brave and strong. Time to think with your head not your heart. I wouod be tempted to consider moving to a different rental so he can't find you or at least get a panic button installed. No more engaging with him. Time to put your son first. No more opportunities for him to find you.

Have just seen you post today and joined to post. You are doing so well what you have been through is so hard, but you have managed to make the break. I noticed you mentioned the freedom program. Did you manage to do it? If not please do as it will help so much. It will be hard but the facilitators will help you all the way. All the best 🤗

Thank you all so much for the love and support. I have tears...
To answer a couple of things-
All his items are gone, anything not collected was sold or skipped on the day of the deadline. He'd been given 12 weeks.
His mother passed away a couple of months ago, his family saw his true colours after that. He was homeless, stayed with a friend not far from me. I informed police and DV worker about this. Soon after I bumped into him. He's since moved out of the area.
There's little point in me moving, for many reasons, one being that he's unlikely to stay around here, there's not enough drug dealers (seriously)
I'm on the waiting list for the freedom programme. I'm giving it another week and then letting my DV worker know I'll buy the course online and ask her for help if needed, which she'd already agreed to.
I am definitely pressing charges, covid has delayed the World so still no court date. Unlikely to be one before 8.08 so bail will be extended again.
I've got an injunction in the meantime, which I will renew.

Ah OP, what an update. You've been amazing and I am so happy for you

In awe of your strength and determination OP.

Good for you