Partner assaulted me. Don't know where to turn

[CoffeeLover90]

I know I'm not unreasonable. Posted here as has most footfall. If you make it to the end well done.
Partner of 17 years assaulted me this afternoon. I called the police. He literally snapped my phone in half.
He's drank on and off (mostly on) for 2 years. The final straw was I over heard him talking to another girl, who he hasn't seen for 16 years, arranging to meet and start a relationship. I realized in that moment, I've been used. He's with me for a place to stay and for money. Nothing else. Which means he'll have no intention to stop drinking. When I pulled him on this he smothered me on the bed, punched me on the head, pushed me a lot. Threw my phone at me, the walls, stamped on it then finally hit over the banister so it snapped in half. Our son, 2 years old, was downstairs. I managed to grab my son and run to my friends over the road. I rang the police. He was arrested and took into the van as I was in the process of giving a statement. They left saying they'll come back once he's booked in. I've heard nothing since. I've called 101 to let them know I now have my SIM card on another phone. They said he was still in custody and I'd get a call. That was 2 hours ago.
I'm alone with the little one. I'm terrified. he'd said if I phoned police he will come and kill me once he's released.
I've never been so scared in my life.
I'm also worried about SS they were involved at sons birth and was signed off a few months later on the agreement the relationship did not continue and he would have supervised visits only. Due to previous violence.
I know I'm an absolute idiot for taking him back.

Can you get a friend or even pay for someone to move all his stuff into the garage, make sure you photograph it, you dont want him accusing you of damaging his property. They have no reason to come into your house, he can pay for storage once its gone.

I've got no money until the end of the month. I was going to say to his mother, it needs to be gone by X date and if not would have got someone with a van to take it all round.

Youre doing brilliantly, OP. One other thing I'd add, for you or anyone in a similar position is that if your abuser is sent to prison, and somehow contacts you from prison, please, PLEASE ring the prison and tell them. If you don't know which prison he is, phone the nearest prison and tell them. We can put things in place to prevent him contacting you, and we will make sure his probation officer in the community knows that he is continuing to behave like this. It isn't acceptable, and the prison service has a duty of care to the public as well as prisoners.

I wouldn't be paying anyone to deliver his stuff, that's up to his mother and stepfather. It sounds like you have been subsidising and paying for him to your own financial detriment, you can't afford to spend anymore money on him. Giving them a two week deadline is perfectly reasonable and if they don't collect it then I would be tempted to sell the rest and try and recoup some of the money he has cost you.

It’s good that you’ve got your fighting spirit up —- abusive men work on pushing you down, lowering self esteem, want you to pine after them if you kick them out. Your attitude is spot on to survive and make a better life for yourself.
If you can box all his stuff and put it in the garage that’s where his family ( not him) collect it from. Don’t concern yourself too much over his possessions.
Contact the council. Your council tax should drop by 25% as you are the only adult in the house.
Check if you’re entitled to any extra child benefit or UC.
You’re working with SS and yes you made a mistake but you’ve told them that, so move forward with them to keep yourself and your son safe.
Stay strong, make sure you look after yourself, eat well, drink plenty of water. For SS’s benefit I’d make sure there’s no alcohol in the house and as much food as you can store and eat.
Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you and your little boy.

@Xpologog

It’s good that you’ve got your fighting spirit up —- abusive men work on pushing you down, lowering self esteem, want you to pine after them if you kick them out. Your attitude is spot on to survive and make a better life for yourself. If you can box all his stuff and put it in the garage that’s where his family ( not him) collect it from. Don’t concern yourself too much over his possessions. Contact the council. Your council tax should drop by 25% as you are the only adult in the house. Check if you’re entitled to any extra child benefit or UC. You’re working with SS and yes you made a mistake but you’ve told them that, so move forward with them to keep yourself and your son safe. Stay strong, make sure you look after yourself, eat well, drink plenty of water. For SS’s benefit I’d make sure there’s no alcohol in the house and as much food as you can store and eat. Good luck, I hope everything goes well for you and your little boy.

That's exactly what I'm doing. Some electricals such as the laptop are boxed up separate and due to be collected tomorrow. Told them I was out today as I wanted to be with my family and not at their beck and call. The rest is going in the garage but it can only be accessed if I unlock it for them. We never claimed anything together as he wanted his own money so claimed at his mother's address. He doesn't/won't work. Financially I'll be better off as I don't have him to keep any more. Women in need said it is financial abuse even though I've been lucky enough to get all essentials and pay bills because he was using my money.

I felt the need to update this. I don't really remember writing it at the time, I remember the support but everything is such a blur. Maybe someone reads this who is in the situation I was, too scared to make it known as it would bring attention of authorities.
Well, I've since had the case closed with SS. I know some won't agree with that. I was honest, I apologised, I have a DV worker who I keep in touch with and I'm on the waiting list for the freedom programme. I agreed contact could only be supervised. The people I know who are trust worthy refused so he needs to seek contact through court. SS don't facilitate contact centre anymore. There was nothing more they could do.
I've had a few messages from exs mum, he loves me, wants me back, usual bullshit. I pointed out what he has done over the last 2 years is not what you do to someone you love. She said she would stop asking but time will tell.
I got an injunction granted privately and gave a timescale for his stuff to be removed from the garage before it's taken to the tip. Exs mum not happy about that...
This is all a way to try and get him back with me as she doesn't want him there and he doesn't want to be there. They thought this was going to blow over in a couple of weeks but we're mistaken.
His mum has only been round once to see DS, she didn't mention ex which was great. She said she's coming to see DS, then doesn't show up. She's always done that.
I've kept myself busy deep cleaning the house, removing every trace of him and my injuries are almost healed. I did see a doctor and it appears to be soft tissue damage rather than broken rips.
I'll admit I am heartbroken. The last few years of my life I was chasing a dream. It's hard to come to terms with but time will help.
Well done if you made it to the end.
If you're in a similar situation, get TF out! If I can do it, you can.

Well done @CoffeeLover90 thanks for the update. Glad to hear that things have settled down and you have managed to keep him out of your home. I know you are still sad about the demise of this relationship but a lot of that will probably be due to trauma bonding. Give it a few months and you will look at this and him in an entirely different way and will realise what a mug he has taken you for and how little this was actually 'love'. Wishing you and your little one all the best for a happy future.

I've read up on trauma bonding and, I think, I was suffering from it before but it's finally snapped. The sadness now comes from guilt, I let him do this to me and DS, I know now he would never have changed, he's left me a shadow of a person, lots to sort out, a single, working parent. He seems to have got off scot free. BUT I can heal. This time next year things will look so different. I can see the light at the end, it may be dim but I'll see it and I'll get there. I cannot thank all you Internet strangers enough for taking the time to write to me.

"This time next year things will look so different." Exactly! And remember @CoffeeLover90 to tell yourself at your darkest times how smart you were to get rid of him. Never mind that it took a while, you were in thrall to him but you were strong and snapped yourself out of it. Some people never manage to get that far. But you did. Well done you! Best wishes to you and your little boy for a lovely peaceful happy life together.😍

I felt the need to update this. So many things have happened since, it seems like such a long time ago.
I bumped into ex a few weeks ago, he tried to speak, apologise, I ignored him. It was easy,I didn't need to 'stay strong' and not cave. I've completed CBT. That was helpful and made me realise how I got in the situation, what I need to change in myself and how to move forward. I'm in debt, almost 6k, mostly through him. I pulled my head out the sand and applied for a DMP. I've decorated, worked on the garden, changed my hours at work so child care was easier to arrange and I'm starting to feel like me again.
Case hasn't been to court yet, bail was extended to 8th Aug so suspect it'll be extended again.
I'd like to come back to this thread in a years time and feel like it was written by a different person. I hope it might help someone in a bad situation see that, although very hard, there's a way out.

I read through the whole thread hoping it had been resurrected because of an update from OP. Congratulations @CoffeeLover90, you're doing brilliantly. Can totally see you coming back in a few years and writing the further update you are hoping to.

I don’t think I saw your original thread at the time, and haven’t read it entirely now, but just wanted to say well done for coming this far, and I hope things will continue to improve for you. Stay strong.

sounds like you have done an amazing job, my ex from many years ago was abusive and I was left with 10K of his debt but foolishly in my name. Best think i ever did was moving on from him. But i was free of him and the debt was a stark reminder that i wouldnt ever put myself in that position again. Stay strong and I look forward to your update

Bloody well done! 💐

Thank you everyone! Yes, the reminders (such as the debt) are still there for now. Came as no surprise that he didn't arrange collection of his possessions in my garage. He'd be very surprised to hear I sold them! He'd think I'd continue to do his bidding and do him favours until the die. Nope.

About the debt. Did he forge applications and signatures to borrow money etc? If so let the debt advice agency know and log it with action fraud/police.

Well done 👏

Please don't do this.

Some of the judgemental posts earlier on, on this thread, have thoroughly pissed me off. Domestic abuse is never straight forward and victims really struggle in knowing what to do. Abusive partners are manipulative and destroy a victim's ability to think straight. The emotional abuse also robs the victim of their self-esteem. Before posting, some peeps need to educate themselves on domestic abuse.

Thanks for the update @CoffeeLover90 , all the very best for the future.

Well done OP, you really are exceptionally strong.

Well done OP I'm really pleased SS closed the case as I think it's incredibly important that women in your situation aren't 'punished' for calling the police.

DV is astonishingly common, you've fought yourself free and I'm so proud and pleased for you.

Legally you let him know you’ll hold it for 28 days. After that time you’ll dispose of it

write this to him in a letter. Then you’ve got a paper trail.

Bloody hell, well done OP!! Nice of you to update and glad to hear things are going in the right direction. Good luck.

Don't add guilt to the mix. He is the prob not you.

Sending a big hug. You know you need to move house, right? No locks will prevent him getting to you if he wants to. But he can only do that if he knows where you are.

I left my ex (early 90's because I decided I wasnt brought into the world to be someones puch bag). I moved house every 6months - lucky I was in local government job at the time, so hoping between councils was relatively easy and it did my career great service.

But even 2 years on, I was looking over my shoulder. I'm now a huge distance from where I was and thankfully all my family has moved from there too.

I remember my divorce solicitor telling me that I could call myself anything I wanted to as long as it wasn't to commit fraud, so maybe think about changing your name too.