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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
Bananabutter · 30/03/2022 03:47

Of course I would be okay with it. She’s his friends and he’s allowed a private life with private conversations he doesn’t have to tell you about.

You shouldn’t be reading his messages even if you have his permission; that’s not okay, and you don’t get to say whether what they talk about is okay or not either.

streamee · 30/03/2022 03:48

@Bananabutter

Of course I would be okay with it. She’s his friends and he’s allowed a private life with private conversations he doesn’t have to tell you about.

You shouldn’t be reading his messages even if you have his permission; that’s not okay, and you don’t get to say whether what they talk about is okay or not either.

Cool wife alert.

Op - what sort of things is she messaging about? Sounds like she's finding a way of being sex into conversations with him?

Original poster
changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:52

Yes that's how I feel that she is trying to turn the conversations into something more sexual... she mentioned something about something she hasn't done before but then was going on about self esteem but I don't get why she would be telling him a sex act she hasn't done to discuss her self esteem emotions plus I am not sure how appropriate it is that she is relying on my husband for emotional reasons. I won't lie it makes me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 30/03/2022 03:56

It depends if you think he fancies her.

DH has had a series of close female friends many of whom were my friends too, and one of them was raped and suicidal, she needed to talk about that stuff.

The staff at the hospital were suspicious of their relationship (I was there too) until we explained I was his wife.

It all depends on the dynamic between them.

anxietyfille · 30/03/2022 04:03

I would personally be uncomfortable with dh and a female friend taking about her sex life. He clearly has nothing to hide but I'm just not sure why she needs to discuss sex with him? Rightly or wrongly I wouldn't be keen.

Original poster
changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 04:25

That's the thing i don't know if it's actually an issue in the marriage or something but I know I'm uncomfortable with it. He doesn't seem to get it, tells me it's just a passing comment she makes about something and not like they are engaging in that part of the topic but I'm not so sure, I do think it's an attempt to get him to engage in something and that then puts me off the whole thing. He's like no she isn't she asks about you and doesn't try anything of the sort and that she is having her own issues with men and ofc proceeds to tell me to look at the messages if I want to and I get all of that but surely that isn't normal between a male and female friend. Why does she need to mention something she is uncomfortable with relating to intimacy?? It's not relevant to their friendship.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 30/03/2022 04:32

Would he be comfortable with you supporting a male friend through their sexual difficulties?

Superhanz · 30/03/2022 04:36

I wouldn't be comfortable with it and my best friend is a heterosexual male so I know men and women can be friends without it meaning more. I'm assuming since he's 10 years older they aren't childhood pals either so if she's a fairly recent friend who tries to talk about sexual things with him there would be alarm bells for me and using him as an emotional crutch. Definitely not.

mihimagna · 30/03/2022 04:45

yanbu. It's very inappropriate for her to talk to your husband about sexual things. It sounds like she's testing the waters by bringing up hypothetical sexual situations to discuss with your husband. This sounds like an emotional affair in the making. She sounds like a home-wrecker. Personally, I would never discuss such matters with a married man.

Alcoh · 30/03/2022 04:55

I am married a second time. My DH (he is also divorced) and I protect our relationship massively more than our first ones. We both would not like this at all. Your spidery senses are there for a reason. Talking sexual things a member of the opposite sex would raise warning bells and is unnecessary.

Seema1234 · 30/03/2022 04:59

I wouldn't like this. On paper it's fine. But in reality it's crossing a boundary and he knows it. I'd ask him if he would be ok with you talking in the same way to a make friend.

ThePoetsWife · 30/03/2022 06:09

Trust your instincts.

This is turning into an emotional affair (if not already) and will become physical if your husband doesn't stop this massive blurring of boundaries.

He is the one who is married and therefore should be addressing his own behaviour and boundaries, stop investing in this inappropriate friendship and into his marriage instead.

Carpy899 · 30/03/2022 06:20

@streamee

Controlling wife alert

Loopytiles · 30/03/2022 06:29

It sounds like he has poor boundaries with the ‘friend’. That’s a risk to your relationship.

streamee · 30/03/2022 06:30

@changedtheusername

Yes that's how I feel that she is trying to turn the conversations into something more sexual... she mentioned something about something she hasn't done before but then was going on about self esteem but I don't get why she would be telling him a sex act she hasn't done to discuss her self esteem emotions plus I am not sure how appropriate it is that she is relying on my husband for emotional reasons. I won't lie it makes me uncomfortable.
Nope. I wouldn't be comfortable at all.

She's inviting him to talk about his experience with whatever she's 'never done' and with the self esteem thing she's probably trying to get compliments from him

streamee · 30/03/2022 06:33

[quote Carpy899]@streamee

Controlling wife alert[/quote]
Loool. I just have appropriate boundaries and standards.

Marvellousmadness · 30/03/2022 06:42

She is not the problem here op
Your partner is......

DoobryWhatsit · 30/03/2022 06:43

It does sound like she's flirting (coming from someone who used to be that young woman 🤦‍♀️)

But it doesn't really "matter". Your husband is being very open about it, it sounds like its all coming from her. She probably doesn't even fancy him, she probably just wants him to fancy her.

veggiemonster · 30/03/2022 06:45

What does a 30 year old man have in common with a 20 year old girl.

I wouldn’t be okay with it, no.

Mango101 · 30/03/2022 06:50

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it's damaging to your relationship and he should stop.

UseOfWeapons · 30/03/2022 06:52

I agree, Your OH is the one with whom you need to address the issue if you feel uncomfortable. If I was this woman, I would hate the fact that he is allowing you to read her private messages. It’s his boundaries I would question. If you are friends, as they appear to be, no subject is off limits, but the fact that you’re reading the messages she sends is inappropriate.

Faevern · 30/03/2022 06:55

No he is a decade older than her and the texts are becoming intimate. Talking about sexual problems and texting late at night, through the night is crossing boundaries. It's up to your DH to back off if he doesn't it's not because she needs him it's because he is enjoying it.

If other women are really happy for their DP to wake up every morning to texts from a female friend and also to be counselling that friend about her self esteem and sex life then that's up to them.

Vallmo47 · 30/03/2022 07:01

It doesn’t really matter how I think I’d feel OP, it makes you uncomfortable and he needs to respect that. So much blame falls on the other woman, the friend, whatever it is, but in reality it falls at his feet. He’s not interested but he’s now aware it’s making you uncomfortable so what is he doing about that? Where is his priority?

oakleaffy · 30/03/2022 07:11

I’d be suspicious of the conversation turning sexual, too.
Especially “ Something she’s not done before “
Who would discuss that with a male friend, unless they were trying to get him to think about sex ?

But I’m not sure what you can do about it, OP.

I’d definitely not be happy given that sex is being mentioned.

balalake · 30/03/2022 07:24

I'd be concerned that a woman has no female friends to talk about such matters, if that is the case.