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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
BulletTrain · 30/03/2022 10:54

I do also find that some people say it's fine as long as you trust your partner but it's not really the point. When it's work colleagues, or an organised group, if it even looks like something is going on then it can cause issues if one is more senior.

My DH had a friend like his at uni and, just before he eventually had to turn her down on a night out, I made it clear that I knew what she was up to which cut down the messages and visits by maybe 70%. I think it forced her hand a bit.

MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 30/03/2022 10:54

I wouldn't be happy with this. My dh has zero female friends but is polite and friendly to my female friends. I don't have friends of the opposite sex myself because it's unnecessary and I don't want to. Why do I need that when my dh is best friend, comforter and companion and support. I know I am different not having male friends but it's just the way we are and its fine.
I dont even call my female friends partners my friends just associates etc....
I would not be OK with this and if she needs a friend there are plenty of lovely women about, she doesnt need to ply your husband with inappropriate messages. I would not be messaging another man about my exes. How bizzare is that.

DarkCorner · 30/03/2022 10:56

This is not OK.

My exH had an affair that started off as a friendship and (as far as I can tell) edged gradually towards the line between friendship and more. At no point did exH apparently realise he needed to put boundaries in, I think by the time he realised they'd crossed the line they were so far beyond it.

I'd feel seriously ick about talking in detail about sexual experiences with a man unless I fancied him. Not to mention worried about him getting the wrong end of the stick and having a super awkward situation. I think you really need to spell it out to him. I bet he'd feel annoyed/anxious if you had a similarly boundary crossing friendship with a man!

Sprucewillis · 30/03/2022 10:56

My rule about 'friends' is if that's what they actually are, they will be in both your lives. E.g they will be invited over for dinner, birthday parties etc. there will be nothing to hide.

If they 'always' meet privately then it is not a friendship. You DH seems open and honest about the friendship so should be no problem there. It could be a problem if the friends thinks or hopes this is more.

Why not invite her over for dinner as his friend?

Thewindwhispers · 30/03/2022 10:56

I wouldn’t be ok with it. Sounds like she has a massive crush on him and he’s enjoying the attention. If he’s waking up to several messages from her, that’s weird and ‘emotional affair’ type territory. She may be having sex with others but he is the real ‘man in her life’ - the person she talks to first thing in the morning, the person who she turns to for support and affection… But he’s your husband.

I wouldn’t be ok with it and would ask him to stop acting like her boyfriend.

2bazookas · 30/03/2022 11:00

She is being inappropriate with an older male married work colleague. He is exchanging inappropriate discussions with a younger female colleague. It will all end in tears.

It's time to knock it on the head before it develops into summat else
(charitably supposing it hasn't yet). Put your foot down.

lovescats3 · 30/03/2022 11:06

Why is he waking up to messages from her ? Why is she discussing sex with him ? Trust your instincts.this sounds like an emotional affair and she is trying to make it sexual

Parth · 30/03/2022 11:10

You are not being unreasonable. If you husband is talking to a younger woman about her emotional problems and giving her support, then that is acceptable, but the minute it starts to include discussions about anything physical it becomes inappropriate and he should put a stop to it.

Flickflak · 30/03/2022 11:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

LittleGwyneth · 30/03/2022 11:13

I'm usually more on the 'cool wife' side of things, but this would make me uncomfortable honestly. I would suggest you ask him if he would be willing to stop talking to her for a while, just to delicately withdraw without making any big announcement which might upset her.

kannayya · 30/03/2022 11:14

If I find uncomfortable what he listen and talk to one person, means I am uncomfortable with his way on some other talks too. More of personality adjustments, end of the day it's his life, more you object or have expectations, it's just up to you. You don't necessary have to believe because everything shared or everything is hidden. Make this as a point to know the person.

Apatosaurus20 · 30/03/2022 11:14

Ohh 😮 I don’t think I’d be happy with that at all…also that’s not something I personally would be texting ANYONE about!

Nothappyatwork · 30/03/2022 11:15

@Sprucewillis

My rule about 'friends' is if that's what they actually are, they will be in both your lives. E.g they will be invited over for dinner, birthday parties etc. there will be nothing to hide.

If they 'always' meet privately then it is not a friendship. You DH seems open and honest about the friendship so should be no problem there. It could be a problem if the friends thinks or hopes this is more.

Why not invite her over for dinner as his friend?

Oh no never mind setting up the affair in plain sight I wouldn’t be inviting her to dinner I wouldn’t be allowing her over the threshold at all. She clearly has a ulterior motive, youre not gonna make it easy for her by condoning it and as of this is have said, playing the cool wife
LemonTT · 30/03/2022 11:16

@Loopytiles

It sounds like he has poor boundaries with the ‘friend’. That’s a risk to your relationship.
He sounds like he has a lot of issues with boundaries. I wouldn’t want to see messages about someone’s sex life and I would have the ick with someone willing to share private messages.

Whether you think he is being disrespectful in the friendship is a personal thing. If it is impacting on your relationship then both of you need to discuss it.

But he needs to stop sharing privately sent messages or stop her sending them.

Jongy · 30/03/2022 11:16

Let me think.... when I was in my early twenties would I think it acceptable to be holding intimidate conversations with a married man ten years older than me?

No, unless I was up to no good.

CocoPlum · 30/03/2022 11:17

My H had a female friend like this.

We are no longer together, but they are.

MoonOnASpoon · 30/03/2022 11:20

The trouble with being friends with her too is that some OW will do this, they'll be friendly and lovely to the wife, as we often see in tales of woe on here. I experienced this too - OW pretended to be all nice and chummy with me and bought me presents. Then in group situations she'd hog my DP and literally edge herself between me and him.

Dillydollydingdong · 30/03/2022 11:20

No, I wouldn't be happy.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 30/03/2022 11:21

@Mango101

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it's damaging to your relationship and he should stop.
This!
mamas12 · 30/03/2022 11:28

I would not be comfortable with this
I would turn it on him instead of asking what does she want now ask HIM why is he replying to her, why is he engaging with the situation when he knows it’s making your relationship feel weird, why is he prioritising her over you etc etc
Make him think that yes he is the problem not her he is getting off on this
If he is a good guy the penny will drop

BowerOfBramble · 30/03/2022 11:33

I agree, it's a husband problem. Whether she's interested in him or not he is clearly giving her a lot of his time and energy. She's oversharing and whether that's because she's trying her luck or she's just naive - he needs to listen to you and cut back on it.

He is the one enjoying this too much, she's 22 she's probably texting all and sundry and having a varied sex life and good for her. It's up to him to back away or say it's crossed a line. It makes me wonder what he's told her about you and your relationship that she thinks this is ok.

MrsGHarrison87 · 30/03/2022 11:34

Not acceptable. I bet you have no desire to discuss sex with a 21 year old guy.

PlainJaneEyre · 30/03/2022 11:36

There's so many good points here

why does she not have any female friends to discuss this with? That would be the norm for a 20 odd year old young woman

the frequency of the messages are intruding into your family life

he IS opening up the windows that are referred to in the Shirley Glass book

any normal woman realises that this is a wrong thing to discuss and yes I also believe it will be anal sex - all this crap about it has to be with someone really trusting and you know well blah blah

he is either an idiot who is not "seeing" her intentions ( and yes you do get men like this) or he is enjoying it

At least he is showing them to you. What has been his overall view thoughts of how the situation is developing? He is unhappy with it and he wants to discontinue or he feels he is her support? His job in life is to be YOUR SUPPORT first and foremost and I would be telling him how it makes you feel. If he has any regard for you then he will stop being so available to this woman.

PlainJaneEyre · 30/03/2022 11:38

As for the "she asks about you" , well that is just stupid. My ex H's affair partner used to sit at our dinner table and pretend to be my friend.

FarFarFarAndAway · 30/03/2022 11:44

The main issue here wouldn't be about the sex, although my husband has many female friends and they don't speak about sex! It's the waking up to several messages. No issue with female friends, do have an issue with people inserting themselves into our lives in a way which makes the day about them and not us. Luckily my husband's female friends seem reasonable and would text a couple of times a week, go out once a month type thing for a coffee, not this incessant pseudo-relationship type thing. She wants him to be the first thing on his mind when she wakes up, ugh!