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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/03/2022 07:24

Hang on, I may be an old gimmer, but I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to my friends about sexual stuff I want to try. Unless it’s a “my partner wants to do this and I don’t,” convo, but even then. Those conversations are for the person you are having or want to have, sex with. She pushing boundaries, he likes it.

collieresponder88 · 30/03/2022 07:30

No I wouldn't like this. Sod the cool wife act I would be telling her to find someone else to talk to about her sex life in no uncertain terms.

Original poster
changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 07:38

Thank god most of you do actually agree. I saw the first reply and was like omg I'm being unfair lol. They met through a hobby (both play an instrument) which is fine especially as he's quite chatty to all the people he does that with, but DH says she doesn't really have anyone and they are "good friends" so when she's upset she goes to him which I was thinking if it was a young guy, I wouldn't really care and would think DH was just being the nice man he is to support his mate but it feels so different with a young woman, wether that's right or wrong. I really am not sure how to approach it as I feel I'm always going on about it at this point, I don't just read this phones messages at all but it's now become more of a thing that I'm laying next to him and she'll be messaging or sometimes I will sarcastically ask what she wants this time and he will then just tell me to reassure me, I mean I'm not sure if it's controlling to tell him to cut her off or anything

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/03/2022 07:46

He’s not ‘being nice’. If he really is nice he will appreciate that at best his boundaries are off here and address your valid concerns.

Can’t bear ‘knight in shining armour’ behaviour towards women from men already in relationships.

Yellownightmare · 30/03/2022 07:49

@changedtheusername

Thank god most of you do actually agree. I saw the first reply and was like omg I'm being unfair lol. They met through a hobby (both play an instrument) which is fine especially as he's quite chatty to all the people he does that with, but DH says she doesn't really have anyone and they are "good friends" so when she's upset she goes to him which I was thinking if it was a young guy, I wouldn't really care and would think DH was just being the nice man he is to support his mate but it feels so different with a young woman, wether that's right or wrong. I really am not sure how to approach it as I feel I'm always going on about it at this point, I don't just read this phones messages at all but it's now become more of a thing that I'm laying next to him and she'll be messaging or sometimes I will sarcastically ask what she wants this time and he will then just tell me to reassure me, I mean I'm not sure if it's controlling to tell him to cut her off or anything
If it was a bloke would he really want messages every day from him and to talk about his sex life? It all seems a bit odd and like she's got a crush on him and he's enjoying being the knight in shining armour.

I've had male friends and would never talk to them about my sex life, particularly if they were straight/married. It seems to me like this is inappropriate on both their parts.

Yellownightmare · 30/03/2022 07:50

@Loopytiles

He’s not ‘being nice’. If he really is nice he will appreciate that at best his boundaries are off here and address your valid concerns.

Can’t bear ‘knight in shining armour’ behaviour towards women from men already in relationships.

Cross posted! Interesting we've seen the behaviour in an identical light.
forcedfun · 30/03/2022 07:50

I think you are right to be concerned.

The Shirley Glass book is excellent on this and the importance of boundaries in friendships to protect a marriage.

OneToThree · 30/03/2022 07:52

Definitely not ok.

forcedfun · 30/03/2022 07:53

Can’t bear ‘knight in shining armour’ behaviour towards women from men already in relationships.

This. And it's always towards very attractive women.

And having been the woman in that scenario when I was much younger and thinner, I feel really icky looking back that men I thought were supporting me almost certainly had more of an agenda.

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 07:54

No way and texting him late at night is really off too

Suprima · 30/03/2022 07:54

So many mugs on this thread Grin

No woman with good intentions is going to speak to a married bloke about her sex life. At best, she’s ’showing off’ and trying to get him to see her as desirable or in a different light, at worst- she’s considering it foreplay.

I have male friends and I honestly wouldn’t dream of it- it’s completely inappropriate.

If you would- you have serious boundary issues.

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 07:55

I've never looked to an older man for support

forcedfun · 30/03/2022 07:55

This book talks really well about how friendships with inappropriate boundaries create a huge risk of moving into emotional/Physical affairs.

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?
millymolls · 30/03/2022 07:56

I think you can’t dictate your dh friends and you can’t dictate friends conversations

forcedfun · 30/03/2022 07:57

You can't @millymolls but if her DH values his marriage he will put up some appropriate boundaries in his 'friendships' with much younger women

MissyB1 · 30/03/2022 08:00

But why so many messages? Why late at night and why is he waking up to lots of messages? The high frequency alone would worry me. This almost sounds like an obsession. He’s flattered by it, but he needs to see the potential risks and damage.

Faevern · 30/03/2022 08:01

Nah if I'm lying next to my DP and he is texting another woman and I feel uncomfortable about it then him showing me her messages is not reassuring me, that would be him patronising me.

Reassuring me would be putting his phone down and making me his priority and asking me how he could make me feel better. Me saying to him I would feel better if you stopped this level of contact and intimacy with this woman is not controlling, it's him respecting me and accepting that its affecting me.

It's not about having a friend who is female it's about the frequency of contact and how and when it is happening and you not being part of the equation.

eandz13 · 30/03/2022 08:04

I'm so laid back in my relationship I could fall over. But if DP's female mates were chatting with him about which sex positions they'd like to try, I'd probably message them back on his phone letting them know it's me and that I'm an absolute fire cracker in the sack so I could give her advice if she wanted to continue that conversation. If I'm made to feel uncomfortable I'm all set to make everyone feel uncomfortable.

waterrat · 30/03/2022 08:04

Eeew no this obviously not OK. Why is he waking up to texts from a girl who is sharing details of her sex life.

DrManhattan · 30/03/2022 08:05

I wouldnt be OK with this.

It's all a bit odd.

DrManhattan · 30/03/2022 08:08

@streamee
Totally agree. I can't believe some people are so naive.

Silverclocks · 30/03/2022 08:11

Once upon a time I'd have said if it's the kind of conversation he/she would have with any close friend then there shouldn't be any issue with it just because they're different sexes.

Now, having been round the block a bit, I'd say close intimate friendships between men and women are never just friendship. Men and women can be friends, I have some very valued male friends. However, you do need to be careful that you know where the line is and that it's different to other friendships.

Also, this particular example seems to be a conversation you wouldn't have with many same sex friends!

Alcoh · 30/03/2022 08:13

@eandz13 ha I like that approach!

Branleuse · 30/03/2022 08:17

Nah i think that sort of talk would be crossing a line for me. Platonic friendships are one thing, but im wary of them due to my experience of there always being one that wants more, and Id have my eye on it if that was my husband.

Mummytobe93 · 30/03/2022 08:25

I cannot imagine a scenario whereby I’d feel
The need of sharing details of the sexual act I’ve never done with a male colleague, or friend even! Can’t imagine how’s that relevant.

But 20 year old me could potentially go there with the intention to test the waters with a guy I wanted to shag.

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