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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
DameHelena · 30/03/2022 11:46

The devil is in the detail, I think. I'm female and have male friends who talk to me about their relationships, but it's always more about the emotional side. I can't imagine any of them talking about a sex act, even in 'passing'. I think both they and I know that that stuff is a) not necessary for me to know to support them and b) not appropriate.
I'd be suspicious of her, OP.

FarFarFarAndAway · 30/03/2022 11:47

Just for balance, I'd be extremely uncomfortable about a female friend of mine messaging me early in the morning and all day, and talking about their sex lives by text. Just weird all round. We do chat openly, but only after a few drinks and very occasionally. It's all designed to break down boundaries- he needs to stop it now.

Wintersgirl · 30/03/2022 11:47

Ignore the first poster, yes your husband can have female friends but talking about sex? No way that's crossing a line, this is how emotional affairs start, be on your guard, trust me I've been there..

Electriq · 30/03/2022 11:49

He needs to know when to say the conversation is getting inappropriate.

So long as he can say that, then theres not a problem.

ArtVandalay · 30/03/2022 11:50

Hmm. I have a lot of male friends, a couple of them confide in me about their marriages. Veering into sexual details however would be weird.

The main thing is, if you’re not happy with the nature of their chats, your husband should respect that and act accordingly.

RebeccaCloud9 · 30/03/2022 11:59

No way. I would feel that waking up to lots of messages, discussing sexual things and this much constant contact with someone of the opposite sex would be inappropriate for me or my husband. In some relationships people may find it ok but I wouldn't. And you don't which is the most important thing.

UrslaB · 30/03/2022 12:02

If this new friend was male would there be the same suspicion regarding them discussing self esteem and places they have or have not had sex?

I think it comes down to trust and the type of relationship you have. I know some people have a lower threshold for morality issues and what is appropriate than myself. I may find this unconcerning and even a bit run of the mill but that is likely a product of my own more liberal views on sex and sexuality and the circle of friends I move in. The question is what you and DH are comfortable with? I would say that the fact DH is being so open with you is a good sign, although the fact he is discussing it may be a sign he himself is uncomfortable with the direction the communication and friendship has taken and he is feeling awkward.

Ohmybod · 30/03/2022 12:07

This is what I think…

The friend sounds immature and probably craving some attention. She lacks the insight to see that engaging a married man in her intimate problems and texting at all hours is inappropriate. The more attention and sympathy she gets back from your DH the more “connection” she decides they have. This justifies her over sharing.

Your DH is flattered by the attention and is getting a kick out of being her ‘saviour’ and the expert she turns to.

I’m sure this friendship started out quite innocently through their shared interest but I think it has the potential to go otherwise and that you have every right to be concerned.

Besttobe8001 · 30/03/2022 12:09

I have a close male friend who is married. He sometimes confides in me about their relationship but it's along the lines of "I'm worried she's unhappy and I don't know what to do" rather than "we've never done anal what do you think about that?". I'd be really unhappy about this.

Ohmybod · 30/03/2022 12:11

@FarFarFarAndAway

Just for balance, I'd be extremely uncomfortable about a female friend of mine messaging me early in the morning and all day, and talking about their sex lives by text. Just weird all round. We do chat openly, but only after a few drinks and very occasionally. It's all designed to break down boundaries- he needs to stop it now.
Yes this!! It’s not actually very normal behaviour in any friendship except perhaps when a major drama is going on and the intensity ups for a bit.

Who is your DHs best mate? Ask him to compare his chat with her and his chat with his best mate and ask himself if he still thinks it’s within the boundaries of normal.

crepesncream · 30/03/2022 12:11

I can't understand anyone who feels the need to share the sort of information this woman is. Ffs there's certain things you just keep to yourself.

Maybe she's hoping to arouse him by making him think of her in whatever sexual thing it is she's talking about. I can't imagine any wife/partner being happy about this.

He needs to distance himself and put your feelings above hers. She wants more than friendship.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/03/2022 12:16

Its always a much younger woman they're 'counselling' about life men and sex, isn't it?

Your husband is out of order. He's leading her on. No doubt he's giddy and flattered that a younger woman looks up to him, and is interested in her sexually.

Tell him to wind his neck in. Presumably he wouldn't like it if you were talking to a younger man about sex

As for women who are ok about this type of thing, they must he desperate to hold onto their relationship/man so, they wont rock the boat. You don't have to lower yourself to that level for any man.

Just tell him you wont accept it, OP. & don't.

crepesncream · 30/03/2022 12:18

If this new friend was male would there be the same suspicion regarding them discussing self esteem and places they have or have not had sex

Well the friend isn't male so obviously there wouldn't be suspicion. Confused

It's totally different. It's inappropriate and odd.

NoHayDosSinTres · 30/03/2022 12:24

OP, listen to the wise women above. This will turn into a fully fledged affair sometime soon. It is already an emotional affair.

He's 30's and she's 20's continuously texting him and talking about her sex life. Then he patronises and gaslights you. He may not even realise he is doing it, but he is.

As person said upthread, he has no boundaries, so show him yours.

You should tell him that you accept nothing short of full shutdown of relationship with this woman or he can leave.

lilkiki · 30/03/2022 12:28

I’d be uncomfortable with any bf/partner I had being superbffsxoxox with an early twenty something

When I was in my early 20s, 30 year olds seemed like librarians? This is all weird and creepy

felulageller · 30/03/2022 12:34

An 'instrument'?

Well if it's an oboe I'd be a lot less concerned than if it's a guitar.

If it's a guitar band thing I have seen this end badly too many times to tell.

Pookymalooky · 30/03/2022 12:35

Why not tag along to his next meet up, casually drop into conversation ‘you know that advice you were wanting about performing anal? Well here’s my advice…’ and see her drop off the radar.

Mamamamamia · 30/03/2022 12:37

Nope. Tell her to find a girl pal to chat too
Back off, daft wee girl.
That sorta chat can escalate very quickly

Whywonttheyhelpme · 30/03/2022 12:37

Only on Mumsnet do you get these “cool wives” that think this is harmless.

The answer is YANBU. I have never met any woman in really life that thinks it is appropriate to discuss sex positions with a married man. Whilst nothing may be happening & may never happen, it sounds like she is enjoying flirting with your DH. On the other hand, your DH is either feeling flattered by the attention or is the most naive dimwit in the world. I would not be impressed if it was my DH.

Jackiebrambles · 30/03/2022 12:38

@crepesncream

I can't understand anyone who feels the need to share the sort of information this woman is. Ffs there's certain things you just keep to yourself.

Maybe she's hoping to arouse him by making him think of her in whatever sexual thing it is she's talking about. I can't imagine any wife/partner being happy about this.

He needs to distance himself and put your feelings above hers. She wants more than friendship.

My thoughts exactly. I have male friends, but I'd never discuss what I did or do sexually with them. I'd be mortified to do so, unless I was trying to make them think of me in a sexual way. This is what she's doing and your dh is going along with it. He needs to disengage.
Sprucewillis · 30/03/2022 12:41

@Nothappyatwork

I wasn't suggesting I am cool with this behaviour. Just giving my benchmark. Only OP knows if this relationship passes that test.

My DH has many close female friends going back over decades. They all pass this test. They are our friends (but his really) I don't have any issue with it. I have male friends too.

There are red flags re morning texts, sexual content etc. the issue is not really the friend. It's with the DHs behaviour. It should have been shut down. Looks like he's trying to deal with it by sharing with OP.

Personally I would deal with this by having them over and letting them see we are a team. That discussions about her sex life etc are on the table for them all to talk about. Will put a stop to it PDQ.

headspin10 · 30/03/2022 12:41

@Candleabra

Tale as old as time. Married man, young attractive woman.

Ask yourself this: would he be there to emotionally support a nice older lady in her 50s who he’d met through his hobby? I think not.

@Candleabra

Good point!

I find reversing the roles often helps to make a point with my OH, eg. "Say I had a good male friend who was relying on me for emotional support and regularly texts me late and night and early in the morning, with messages of a sexual nature, would that feel completely fine for you?"

I would also add that whatever his response, I would follow with explaining that you actually aren't ok with it and that it needs to stop if he wants to remain in the relationship with you. No grey areas. I'd be firm, but obv just trust your gut feeling and do what you think is best. Good luck!

Nothingsfine · 30/03/2022 12:45

@Ohmybod

This is what I think…

The friend sounds immature and probably craving some attention. She lacks the insight to see that engaging a married man in her intimate problems and texting at all hours is inappropriate. The more attention and sympathy she gets back from your DH the more “connection” she decides they have. This justifies her over sharing.

Your DH is flattered by the attention and is getting a kick out of being her ‘saviour’ and the expert she turns to.

I’m sure this friendship started out quite innocently through their shared interest but I think it has the potential to go otherwise and that you have every right to be concerned.

Agree with this
Mewski · 30/03/2022 12:46

@veggiemonster

What does a 30 year old man have in common with a 20 year old girl.

I wouldn’t be okay with it, no.

Exactly this. Go with your instinct. Unfortunately its a tricky situation because its hard to pinpoint the issue. Ultimately the young woman knows what she's doing , the bloke doesn't have a clue and you will look controlling. I'd say put your foot down, make it quick, and don't f around because the other woman is looking to cause drama so try not to let it drag out. I've been in similar situations and I've not been mistaken, however that doesn't mean the scénario played out in my favor neither..
Strawberry33 · 30/03/2022 12:50

No this is how it started with my ex and the woman he left for. She has her sights set on him beleive me.
Tell him frankly that that’s where it’s heading and that ultimately it’s his choice. You will find out and if he falls for this woman’s tricks it will be over between you.
And prepare yourself mentally I’m afraid :-( xx