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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 30/03/2022 10:01

No. I would definitely not be ok with this and ask what kind of foolish thinks he is if ever pulled this stunt!

Ourlady · 30/03/2022 10:02

I would get him to tell her he is uncomfortable with the sexual conversations, he has spoken to you about it and you would be willing to discuss these things with her if she wants to message you.
He may just be being nice but I would absolutely not be happy about it.
Nip it in the bud now before it goes any further.

stitchy · 30/03/2022 10:02

She's flirting at the least. Dropping in a sexual act that she's never tried (and oh my goodness if it's anal it's the most outrageous flirt-move ever be on high alert!) is to try and encourage your DH to think about doing it with her - with the added sexy dimension of being her 'first' - the whole 'firsts' thing is so creepily prized culturally for men

Papayamya · 30/03/2022 10:10

Nah its one thing to have friends of the other sex and another for them to be talking about sex and sending messages overnight it seems if he's getting them in the morning.

woahwait · 30/03/2022 10:21

Playing devil's advocate here: could it be that she's just got so familiar with talking to him that she's lost her social filter? She talks to him freely in the way a woman would talk to a female friend? Especially if she has nobody else?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/03/2022 10:24

There is already a thread on MN started by a wife whose 'D'H has been having an 'inappropriate relationship' with a woman from work, under the guise of 'we're just work colleagues'. He's finally admitted to sexual activity with the woman and the balloon has gone up.

My first husband had an affair with a girl at work and it started just the same way with him playing 'knight in shining armour' and advising her on her boyfriend issues. There was also a 10 year gap between them as well Hmm. If I'd known about it I'd have had something to say, but I didn't, although all the workplace did Angry

He needs to shut this down now OP.

If he won't them you need to stop being the 'cool wife' and remind him where his loyalties should be.

LndnGrl · 30/03/2022 10:26

@changedtheusername

Yes that's how I feel that she is trying to turn the conversations into something more sexual... she mentioned something about something she hasn't done before but then was going on about self esteem but I don't get why she would be telling him a sex act she hasn't done to discuss her self esteem emotions plus I am not sure how appropriate it is that she is relying on my husband for emotional reasons. I won't lie it makes me uncomfortable.
It's weird. Hasn't she got girl friends to talk about this stuff to?
incognitoforthisone · 30/03/2022 10:28

I've got male friends and DP has female friends. Neither of us minds the other exchanging messages or meeting up now and again with friends of the opposite sex. Jealousy or mistrust has never been an issue.

However, I would definitely be uncomfortable if DP was discussing the fairly intimate details of a woman's sex life with her, and I'm sure he would be equally uncomfortable if I was doing that with a man. I do feel that crosses a boundary. And the amount of messaging also seems a bit much in your DH's case.

LBFseBrom · 30/03/2022 10:32

I think I would be OK with that but, honestly, your husband shouldn't be sharing things that are told to him in confidence. If the girl knew that you knew, she would probably be mortified. If he cannot keep things to himself it might be better if he gently extricates himself from the friendship or keeps it lighter. Not everyone is equipped for intense confidences.

Chely · 30/03/2022 10:35

Nah, not for me.

Flopsy145 · 30/03/2022 10:36

Honestly I wouldn't be ok with this, and as a woman I personally wouldn't have these conversations with a male friend. Some people are quite chilled about stuff like this, I myself am quite a jealous person tbh and my partner would also not like this roles reversed. Also if I'm being really honest and this is truly awful to say so don't come for me, it would really depend on what she looked like. If she was ten years younger than me, beautiful, perky, etc, then hard no, if she was not then I'd probably be fine.

I would in your situation tell my partner I didn't think it was appropriate to discuss those things, and see what he says

Hiddenvoice · 30/03/2022 10:37

My dh and I have friends of the opposite sex. I will message my male friends to moan and vent but that’s because I’m closer to them. I wouldn’t message them anything sexual based because I find it a little odd to be sharing thag with them and I wouldn’t expect them to share that with me. We did when we were younger but now we’re all married and partnered off that it kinda seems like it would be crossing the line.
I think she’s mentioned this stuff to try turn the conversation to be more flirty. She’s asked about you to make herself look like a nice girl but I think it’s all weird. She’s relying heavily on your husband, she has no other friends she can go to?
My husbands friends message him about troubles in their relationships but the moment any of them bring up their sex life in the group chats he always makes a joke and bows out until the conversation has passed because he doesn’t want to be part of it and feels is not relevant to him.

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 10:39

For OH to be the good friend he be,ie se himself to be, he’d be guiding his friend towards

Is OH generally ‘tone deaf’ when it comes to boundaries in relationships? Does he usually get where the edge of acquaintance/hobby friend/good friend/best friend/loved ones begins & end?

To go from hobby acquaintance through to ‘friend’ discussing sex/intimate matters & making contact outside ‘office’ hours is too much, too close, too fast. Can or does OH understand that?

Notwithittoday · 30/03/2022 10:40

I wouldn’t tolerate my husband having this kind of convo or this closeness. Luckily we’re both on same page.

ItsYabbaDabbaDoTime · 30/03/2022 10:40

Isn’t it odd how these men are always friends with younger, attractive women rather than dear old Irene in Internal Audit ?

No - having female friends is fine but discussing intimate details of her sex life amounts to flirting, which is disrespectful to you OP.

Ask him to desist. If he refuses, then he’s the sort of DP who clearly enjoys flirting with other women. If you don’t like this in a partner life is too short to put up with it, so time to bin him off.

hidethetoaster · 30/03/2022 10:43

I think she's into him.
But the main point is that you aren't comfortable, and you are entitled to your feelings on this. AIBU isn't really the issue. You feel this way and that's a fact.
The next step is with him and how he responds to your honestly held feelings. Is he willing to put some boundaries in place that you feel more comfortable with?
And if not, is this a deal breaker for you?

Whatever you decide isn't a lifelong commitment. If you say ok today, but tomorrow you have concerns whether you can trust him, then you're both having the conversation again. Communicating and listening.

Working through this in a constructive way could be really healthy for your relationship. Can you communicate and listen; can you hold to your own boundaries even if the other disagrees and stay respectful/loving/trusting; can you mutually agree boundaries with friends and others that you both are ok with?

PiperPosey · 30/03/2022 10:45

She doesn't have anyone to talk to, but an older married man?

Boy he is eating it up! ( No matter what he tells you) his ego is being pumped up.

I truly believe that women and men can be friends. Under these circumstances she is testing him. Discussing her sex life? Puhhhhhlease... she is trying to get a reaction out of him.
Letting him know she's not a prude..

I would just let him know that you're not happy with this friendship. He will give every excuse to continue. If he refuses he is putting her needs before yours.

He can even let her know that his wife isn't happy with their friendship so it will have to end. ( He is letting you know that he is putting your being uncomfortable about it before her being so comfortable) Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2022 10:46

It could be genuine friendship or it could be hiding in plain sight like this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4515139-Needing-support-for-those-days-after-first-finding-out-about-husbands-infidelity

hidethetoaster · 30/03/2022 10:47

@Faevern

Nah if I'm lying next to my DP and he is texting another woman and I feel uncomfortable about it then him showing me her messages is not reassuring me, that would be him patronising me.

Reassuring me would be putting his phone down and making me his priority and asking me how he could make me feel better. Me saying to him I would feel better if you stopped this level of contact and intimacy with this woman is not controlling, it's him respecting me and accepting that its affecting me.

It's not about having a friend who is female it's about the frequency of contact and how and when it is happening and you not being part of the equation.

Well said
MamaNeedsTea · 30/03/2022 10:47

Nope, she's upto something.

Would you ever message another man about your sexlife. 🥴

Early 20s I couldn't imagine being bestfriends with someone's 30YR husband, what's that about!!!

HallucinatingHilda · 30/03/2022 10:47

Probably not, if this is how she is around men.

HallucinatingHilda · 30/03/2022 10:49

Sorry, that was to @LndnGrl!

Gowithme · 30/03/2022 10:51

She's telling him about a sex act that she hasn't had enough confidence to do with anyone else? That's dodgy as hell. So she doesn't have the confidence to do it but she has enough confidence to tell your DH all about it? More likely she's hoping he'll give her advice on how best to do it, just to improve her confidence of course......and it's a very slippery slope from there.

Dragongirl10 · 30/03/2022 10:52

so inapropriate and he is enjoying the attention. I would tell him to shut it down.

SartresSoul · 30/03/2022 10:53

I wouldn’t be comfortable with DH having a close female friend who messaged him multiple times a day and told him all about her sex life, no. I don’t think many women would be ok with this, it just isn’t acceptable.