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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:

Sandra2010 · 30/03/2022 08:29

I'm really relaxed in our relationship, at least compared to a lot of couples we know, I don't worry too much about his relationships with female friends. However, this is a bit much and sounds like she's becoming too close and becoming dependent on him, at best. There are NHS counselling and talking therapies services and maybe he could tell her he's not sure he can cope with her emotional needs and suggest she engages with them.

Weatherwax13 · 30/03/2022 08:33

Nup. This is all kinds of wrong. I would flip if my other half was talking to a young woman about her sex life. Plus exchanging msgs first thing in the morning?

Iwonder08 · 30/03/2022 08:35

Cool wife here, I have male friends, my husband socialise with female colleagues, no issues, however what you described is not normal. You should raise it, politely but firmly. Emphasise that is not about trust or the fact that she is female. It is the level of communication(late /out of hours texting) and explicit nature of the texts. Do tell him it would have been strange even from a male friend, but it is most unusual from a female one. Even being young, the girl surely understands how unconventional explicit late night texting to a married man is. You understand he is just trying to help, but this set up is making your feel uncomfortable and would make feel anyone uncomfortable

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2022 08:41

but DH says she doesn't really have anyone and they are "good friends

She has no one else to talk to? Absolutely no one?

Candleabra · 30/03/2022 08:45

Tale as old as time. Married man, young attractive woman.

Ask yourself this: would he be there to emotionally support a nice older lady in her 50s who he’d met through his hobby? I think not.

Agathawispy · 30/03/2022 08:54

What @Candleabra said. He’s got his knight kit on for the young, pretty lady.
If he can’t or won’t establish boundaries, you need to show him yours. I think he should stop all contact with this woman. It’s not like she’s a long term friend and who talks at this intensity and about explicit stuff to a new friend?? Especially one of the opposite sex
Show your dh this thread so he can see no one (except one random poster) thinks this is okay !

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 08:59

@Loopytiles

He’s not ‘being nice’. If he really is nice he will appreciate that at best his boundaries are off here and address your valid concerns.

Can’t bear ‘knight in shining armour’ behaviour towards women from men already in relationships.

This.

Doesn't understand his wifes position and wants to be there for his young friend who wants to discuss sexual self esteem.

I would get the Ick OP for him.

Doesn't sound like you have children, slow right down if you are thinking of them with him.

His boundaries are poor and his consideration of you poorer again.

His ego is at play here so you would be very wise to be very wary of him and this situation.

Please respect and listen to your gut.

It is not normal in a marriage for a man in his 30's to be texting a girl in her 20's and reassuring her about her sexual self esteem.

It is way off and the actions of a man who's head isn't fully committed to his marriage, no matter what he tries to gaslight you with.

Bottom line, protect yourself and don't be gaslit by him.

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 09:12

She doesn't have anyone? So what was she doing before he rode into her life? Why don't you ask if she'd like to talk to you for advice, woman to woman, I bet she'd run a mile

SweetSakura · 30/03/2022 09:14

Why don't you ask if she'd like to talk to you for advice, woman to woman,

I love this suggestion.

MoonOnASpoon · 30/03/2022 09:14

Ask yourself this: would he be there to emotionally support a nice older lady in her 50s who he’d met through his hobby? I think not.

Yes. And her bringing up “sexual self esteem” and positions? What about if it was a gay man? We all know that if these people did this they’d be testing the water to see if H was open to a non-friendship level of intimacy or had firm boundaries in respect to his relationship.

My ex was a “knight in shining armour” to a poor sad woman who needed “emotional support” that could only come from him for some reason, and insisted they were just friends, it didn’t end well.

Having a friend via a hobby yes fine if it’s not flirtatious and he still prioritises his relationship. Talking about sex, texting overnight, needing “emotional support” and him dismissing your concerns = big alarm bells.

RandomBasic · 30/03/2022 09:20

YANBU

phizog · 30/03/2022 09:24

The red flag for me would be the fact that he says she doesn't have anyone else - that shows she is very vulnerable and frankly unless my DH were an actual therapist he shouldn't be making himself one. Bringing sexual messages into it, constant texting and unloading - even as same sex friends she sounds needy with a lot of potential for drama. He's obviously enjoying being her saviour because most people would run a mile from something this intense. She's either trying to seduce him or just not very emotionally healthy.

Not sure how you deal with it though - make your concern and displeasure clear. Then find a 20 something bloke to share all your hopes and dreams and sexual problems with. Joking aside - you're right to be annoyed so find a calm way to discuss how you're feeling without snide comments etc, so he can't get defensive.

TheirTheyre · 30/03/2022 09:26

Couldn’t care less. He can’t police what she chooses to say to him. It’s a text. Not everything is a massive secret affair.

GooglyEyeballs · 30/03/2022 09:28

I dunno to be honest. For me it would really depend on the sort of dynamic they have together in their individual chemistry. Some friends literally are clearly just friends but others you can tell there's a bit more to it.

anotheranon22 · 30/03/2022 09:36

I’d bet she’s only asking about you to see if your DH would cheat on you. That’s what I’d be thinking, she’s trying to gage his response to see if he’s saying anything disparaging about you so she can go for the kill.

I wouldn’t trust her at all and would not be happy about this.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 09:44

@pinkyredrose

but DH says she doesn't really have anyone and they are "good friends

She has no one else to talk to? Absolutely no one?

@pinkyredrose - of course she has no one - that's her hook to the DH.

Yeah she probably has 'no one' she can talk in detail to about her sex life no.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 09:47

@Branleuse

Nah i think that sort of talk would be crossing a line for me. Platonic friendships are one thing, but im wary of them due to my experience of there always being one that wants more, and Id have my eye on it if that was my husband.

@Branleuse - I agree with you about platonic friendships - both of mine either started out with attraction which then waned from their sides and we became friends but the attraction was always there (hidden) in the back of their minds. This was when I was 27 onwards. Now I'm older I'd run a mile from proper platonic male friendships as I know that 99.9% of the time the man thinks differently.

CharSiu · 30/03/2022 09:48

Waking up to loads of messages plus the content is not appropriate. I have male friends I msg them the same as my female friends maybe a couple of times a week.

Trouble is in all these scenarios men just can’t help but love having their egos massaged. He is flattered and loving the attention and is a fool.

Bookworm20 · 30/03/2022 09:48

Sorry OP. maybe your DH is oblivious or maybe he isn't. But whatever it is he is enjoying the attention very clearly by the extent and content of their messages. He wakes up to messages from her? Nah, thats way over the top.

This isn't ok. However much he is reassuring you they are just mates and hes helping her out because she has no one (blah blah blah - where have we all heard that one before). He is definitely encouraging her by replying. And sadly I think he is enjoying their 'friendship'.
Does he give her advice on the self esteem stuff and the sexual things she wants to try? Whats his response?

And yes, she asks about you because she is testing the waters here.

What would he say if you said to him you were getting very uncomfortable with their level of contact and you need it to stop. Would he stop and put your feelings first? Throw a sttrop about you being controlling? Or say he'll stop and then do it in secret?

His answer should be the first one, without hesitation. He should have no issue telling her he thinks they are messaging too much and he needs to step back a bit. If he has a problem doing this, then unfortunately you need to have a very long, very real conversation.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 09:51

I definitely think this is off - and as @Mummytobe93 says, if I were 20 and wanted to shag a man then yes I'd say this.

also @billy1966 says and a few others - it is not normal for him to be texting her about her sex life, from both POVs, he should know that as your DH and be shutting this down.

As @Momicrone says why don't you ask her to talk to you about her sex life?! You could even text or arrange to meet her either with DH or by yourself and make it very clear that her sex advice texts are not on and to sling herself as far away as she can from your DH.

Bluebluemoon · 30/03/2022 09:51

cool wife alert

😂

No. Just no. This wouldn't be ok in my relationship. I would be seriously wondering what my dh is getting from this? It's obviously an ego boost to have this young woman t3xting him and asking "advice" etc. even if there's nothing going on at the moment (although just the 'friendship' would be enough for me to give him the boot) he definitely wants there to be. I couldn't respect someone who felt some pathetic need to have his ego massaged by having much younger female 'friends'.
Don't be a mug OP!

appleblossom32 · 30/03/2022 09:53

I would be uncomfortable with that.
She's almost trying to give him a "taste"
Of what she's like in the bedroom.l by telling him about it

BulletTrain · 30/03/2022 09:53

I agree with everything that's been said - knight-in-shining armour vs damsel in distress, dangling a hook to see what he'll say and how he'll react to sexual stuff, trying to make him think of her naked (I do, if someone talks about themselves having sex, even if only fleetingly!), making him feel needed and at the centre of her life as she has no friends, boo-hoo.

This happened to me although the "friend" was the same age. Guess what happened next.

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 09:55

@Candleabra

Tale as old as time. Married man, young attractive woman.

Ask yourself this: would he be there to emotionally support a nice older lady in her 50s who he’d met through his hobby? I think not.

This.

It is always young pretty women who need them.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/03/2022 10:01

No, I wouldn’t be ok with it. And it’s ok to read any messages he allows you too.

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