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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH talking to his female friend about this stuff?

233 replies

changedtheusername · 30/03/2022 03:44

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here. DH and I have been married 2 years and are in our early 30s, he has a female friend in her early 20s which is okay, but he's recently been there a lot for her and her emotional problems, although he's very open about this with me. However she was starting to talk about the guys she has had things with and at least going a bit more in detail than I think is really ok? He is fine me reading it and says it was relevant in one part of the story but I'm not sure.. he also wakes up to a good few messages from the woman. I have met her in passing and she seems pleasant enough but is this sort of situation something you'd be ok with?

OP posts:
TheDogHasABone · 30/03/2022 15:42

Fucking*

Momijin · 30/03/2022 16:09

A 20 year old woman taking about sex with her male friend in his 30s? No way I'd that appropriate and I wouldn't be happy with it. And I hate jealousy. But I also know tables turned if a young man started talking about sex issues with me I would stop it.

MummaL32 · 30/03/2022 16:43

I had a something like this happen to me, but with DH ex !
They talk discuss there son (I get on ok with her also ) but the comment was that she new someone had moved into there old flat they rented together and said she had told them she had sex in it first but text this to my husband - I didn't think this was ok this is inputting something into someone's head in a sly way, had also mad referrals to feeling like she had been fu"" hard after a gym work out , you don't make comments like that to a married man

Yes friendships of different sex is fine yes they are allowed a personal life but no a women shouldn't make any sexual reference to a married man
Weather to some that's right it wrong to me it's wrong and I fully understand why you feel uncomfortable I would open up to your husband about it and be honest how it makes you feel and how you see it I spoke to my husband and it made a massive difference x

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 30/03/2022 16:46

Nope. If I'm completely honest I wouldnt like it. I struggle to see what they'd have in common and why she thinks a married man is the best person to talk to about her sexual escapades...

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 16:53

He's absolutely loving the OP being unhappy, the 20 year old fancying him and he gets to play 🤷‍♂️...🙄.
He's so innocent but is absolutely determined to reject the OP's concerns?

I would get the Ick for him OP.

He has NO respect for you or your marriage to be dismissive of your concerns.

Someone so determined to not get what you are saying clearly is dishonest in my view and 100% capable of cheating.

He is already lying to you that he "doesn't understand"🙄 yea right.

Member869894 · 30/03/2022 16:55

I would not be OK with this at all

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 20:14

Him: ‘Hey, Lil’Sis’
Her: ‘Eh?’
Him: ‘You just like my Lil’Sis’
Her: ‘Is I?’
Him: ‘Makes me your Ole’Bro’
Her: ‘It does?’
Him: ‘ I am glad that you understand that. Because we need to talk…like adults do.
Her: ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhkayyyyyy’
Him: ‘I can see how you are struggling with some confidence issues strongly related to your family relationship dynamics. You need more support than I can give you, someone who knows how to help you help yourself & grow your self confidence. You might want to consider some counselling, maybe your GP can help you with that.
Her: ’Oh, but I can always talk to you…’
Him: ‘That is not so. You cannot be in constant contact with me & at times your comments are inappropriate & over familiar.

Or I could say that OH his having his head turned, by a gentle simmer. OP, you may need to weigh up how much of this charade you can tolerate.

Your OH is at the point where he needs to show his commitment to you by putting firm boundaries in place with her.

Good friends do not crash core friendship hours for a series of texts waiting for him to view first thing, & introduce intimate subjects into conversation.

I’ve not yet met a ‘older brother’ who discusses sexual matters with his little sister.

UniversalAunt · 30/03/2022 20:14

I meant younger sister…not little sister.

StripeySnail · 30/03/2022 21:18

@eandz13

I'm so laid back in my relationship I could fall over. But if DP's female mates were chatting with him about which sex positions they'd like to try, I'd probably message them back on his phone letting them know it's me and that I'm an absolute fire cracker in the sack so I could give her advice if she wanted to continue that conversation. If I'm made to feel uncomfortable I'm all set to make everyone feel uncomfortable.
Love this response
Raychelle · 30/03/2022 21:46

Is she hot? Trust me its relevant!! Men never seem to get close to granny types or much older women do they! It’s always younger.

To me, it looks like she 100% fancies your DH and she is testing the waters and trying to steer the conversation in a certain me. He… I think he just likes the attention, for now!

Aquafizzle · 30/03/2022 21:51

No way..this is not appropriate at all. Put a stop to it.

Chickychoccyegg · 30/03/2022 21:52

She is testing the waters to see if your dh is interested, this is completely not ok.
Tell dh he packs all this crap in immediately or fucks off, honestly, he can not be that daft, he's obviously enjoying the attention.
She doesn't think of him like a brother, thats just plain ridiculous

Aquafizzle · 30/03/2022 21:56

@Bananabutter

Of course I would be okay with it. She’s his friends and he’s allowed a private life with private conversations he doesn’t have to tell you about.

You shouldn’t be reading his messages even if you have his permission; that’s not okay, and you don’t get to say whether what they talk about is okay or not either.

Lol... this is ridiculous.
Zerrin13 · 30/03/2022 23:17

As well as being furious with him for giving time and energy to this relationship, I would be equally furious with her. Who the hell does she think she is? I would be telling her to fuck off with her antics and not to cross me or she would regret it.

RedRec · 30/03/2022 23:22

Yes, that first response was hilariously earnest and desperately cool wife. Thankfully drowned out by practically every other comment on the thread.

RedRec · 30/03/2022 23:23

My last comment was supposed to be quoting Aquafizzle's, just below.

WalltoWallBtards · 30/03/2022 23:27

You can’t control what he talks to a friend about. If I were him I wouldn’t be sharing messages with you. I do not read DW convos with her friends, and she doesn’t read mine.

Pallisers · 30/03/2022 23:30

@BulletTrain

"I'm extremely insecure and haven't had sex since my first year of uni, but I definitely miss having that connection with someone"

Really?! Come ON. He is either thick or enjoys the come-on if he thinks this is normal. She sucks.

seriously.

I'm married 30 years but even I remember how to move someone from the friend zone to the other zone - talking about sex, even if you aren't talking about sex with each other creates an intimacy and a talk about sex and it works. Your dh sounds either completely naive or he likes this ...

The thing about marriage is it doesn't mean you don't enjoy encounters with other men/women or feel a bit of a thing for them - it means that if it happens you are clear about it and avoid those situations from then on.

I have a friend who was married who always had a thing for this guy in our circle. He thought they were friends I think she was up for something more even though she probably thought she wouldn't have gone there completely. at a party (her dh not there) she ended up talking to him and started talking about "them" as a them - more "we should be careful because of this attraction" than "let's go for it". He excused himself to go to the bathroom and left the party and went home. Probably the best response because even a conversation about how there is no us creates an intimacy.

Both dh and I have friends of the opposite sex and always have.

Aquafizzle · 30/03/2022 23:46

@WalltoWallBtards

You can’t control what he talks to a friend about. If I were him I wouldn’t be sharing messages with you. I do not read DW convos with her friends, and she doesn’t read mine.
'Cool wife alert'... 😆
FloraMillie · 31/03/2022 01:40

I'm going through this now my husband who hadn't given me a moment's doubt in 17 years suddenly got a new best friend. 15 years younger hugely flirty liked to talk about her sex life and was messaging constantly day and night. She too had no other friends oh and boyfriend trouble. I let it go on far too long but eventually had to say something. It didn't go well I was jealous, controlling wouldn't let him have any friends etc. We muddled through for another couple of months before he split up with me. This was all my fault I'm an awful person he'd been miserable for years etc etc. Is total crap we had a good marriage. He was adamant that she was nothing to do with it. Less than three weeks after we split and he is now in a relationship with her Hmm. If you can stop this early enough please do. I left it far too late as didn't want to be the controlling wife.

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 04:31

Your husband is trying to play you for a fool as he's marching straight into an affair. She sees him as an older brother? HAHA! Sure she does.

stormswiftlysweetafton · 31/03/2022 06:12

If hate that, and there would be big problems if my husband pretended he couldn't see that it's not okay.

MsDogLady · 31/03/2022 07:08

*Texting at night and first thing in the morning
*Ego boosting
*Emotional investment via Rescuer/Damsel dynamic which builds intimacy and over-reliance
*Infusing the chat with sexual energy

OP, this is entirely inappropriate and I would not be tolerating it.

hangrylady · 31/03/2022 07:40

Nah, I wouldn't be OK with it.

hangrylady · 31/03/2022 07:43

@timeisnotaline

Would he be comfortable with you supporting a male friend through their sexual difficulties?
To be fair he's unlikely to shag his male friend. Not a comparison.