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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
Gensola · 29/03/2022 20:30

YABU and sound a bit weird tbh. Why does it matter if it’s a big birthday? With such a small and insular family I would have thought you’d welcome your son’s girlfriend.

MiddleParking · 29/03/2022 20:31

How old is he?

Beees · 29/03/2022 20:32

Not unreasonable at all. It wasn't his place to offer the invite as he's not the orlne organising it. I would be prepared for him to throw his toys out of the pram and say he's not coming but I agree with you and don't think she should be there.

Sirzy · 29/03/2022 20:32

Surely you realised as your children grow and have partners they will end up becoming part of family gatherings?

Blackbirdflyintothelight · 29/03/2022 20:32

Sorry I do think your reaction is unreasonable. Why shouldn't his GF come to a family meal?

Ohyesiam · 29/03/2022 20:32

I think you are being unreasonable. It sounds very insular to me. Having few living/ available relatives makes me more receptive to my loved ones loved ones, not less.
Even you say you hit the roof, I hope you don’t mean you were angry with your son?

MiddleParking · 29/03/2022 20:33

Oh they’re both adults! Yes, you’re BU and really weird. They’re not ‘DCs’. Do you intend for them to leave their partners and then spouses at home for birthday dinners forever?

ThankYouStavros · 29/03/2022 20:34

I think YABJ for hitting the roof. The girlfriend clearly means a lot and he is attempting to integrate her which I think is nice. She may be in your set up for a long time and the early days can make a lasting impression. That said, he should have asked you and shouldn’t assume you’ll foot the bill.

sjxoxo · 29/03/2022 20:34

I also think YAB a bit U… it’s a birthday meal which should be a close circle celebration- he sees his gf as worthy and I think you should accept her as a guest.. what’s wrong with her being present? Surely the more the merrier? x

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/03/2022 20:34

Yabu

FiveForAPound · 29/03/2022 20:34

She might be nice. She mad add something to the occasion. The big deals will be your dd coming and the fact it's a milestone birthday. It's not like the girlfriend will be the focus.

It's absolutely inevitable that other people are going to come into your family. This might be a BIG birthday but really it's just a family meal.

Hospedia · 29/03/2022 20:35

YABU, they've been together six months so she's hardly some casual fling or a brand new girlfriend and he must be serious about her if he wants to invite her to family events. Its a bit weird and controlling that you're so rigid about it being "just family" - what happens when they have a long term partner or get married?

ThankYouStavros · 29/03/2022 20:35

Just to add, it’s situations like this which lead to so many MIL threads on here.

justanotherlaura · 29/03/2022 20:35

I took my boyfriend of 3 months to my dads wedding, he sat at the top table with us. We're still together 14 years later, you never know, they might be too

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 29/03/2022 20:36

What is the relevance of your DS’ job situation?

converseandjeans · 29/03/2022 20:37

YABU they have been together a while & presumably knows DH. Also he's having a hard time at the moment.

I suppose the only thing is who will pay & suppose that will be you...

Beees · 29/03/2022 20:37

I'm surprised so many think you're being unreasonable.

To ask if she can come would be fine but he invited her without asking.

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 29/03/2022 20:37

He should have asked you before asking her but your reaction is a bit OTT. Maybe he wanted her to meet your DD?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2022 20:37

@ParisLondonTokyoSlough

What is the relevance of your DS’ job situation?
I assume OP is paying and DS is assuming it's OK and since he doesn't have a job, he's definitely not paying.

Could be wrong.

Quitelikeit · 29/03/2022 20:38

You hit the roof????

What does that look like? Screaming? Shouting?

I think yabu

Mummy1608 · 29/03/2022 20:40

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Shinyandnew1 · 29/03/2022 20:40

I’m presuming you are paying for the nice meal. I don’t feel it is reasonable for someone to invite their partner to a meal that someone else is paying for, no. That’s very rude.

If he’d asked if she could come, that would have put the ball in your court and allowed you to reply. Does the girlfriend know you are unaware that she’s coming? That your paying?

Out of interest, I’m presuming you would have said no…what reason would you give?

QueenofLouisiana · 29/03/2022 20:41

I thought he was going to be 15! But m guessing that he is a grown man.
As an adult, he should be offering to pay and should have asked not told. However, if they have been together a while, it’s not unreasonable that he would want her to be included.

WindyKnickers · 29/03/2022 20:41

Your daughter is clearly the favourite. I expect your son realises he is a disappointment as you are not trying to hide it. What has him loosing his job got to do with it? Maybe he feels proud of his 6 month relationship and wants to introduce his girlfriend to the family? I can't believe you would "hit the roof" about this. YABU and really quite controlling.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/03/2022 20:43

YABU and sound strange.