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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
Seadad · 30/03/2022 09:19

He should have asked - but 'hitting the roof' is totally unreasonable- and lays a very poor foundation for any future daugher-in-law!

GoFishandChips · 30/03/2022 09:19

Holidays are a bit different as there are other people to bounce off and lots of space.

That's so odd, a meal a few hours at most. On holiday your much more trapped with other people.

mumonthehill · 30/03/2022 09:24

Family traditions have to change. Ds 21 is bringing his girlfriend of 7 months home for Easter and I am excited and delighted and if he loves her then she is welcome to be part of anything we do as a family.

Roselilly36 · 30/03/2022 09:30

@MiddleParking

Oh they’re both adults! Yes, you’re BU and really weird. They’re not ‘DCs’. Do you intend for them to leave their partners and then spouses at home for birthday dinners forever?
This ^
gannett · 30/03/2022 09:31

If money was an issue I might think the son was rude to expect his gf to be paid for. However the OP is already shelling out for plane and train tickets for the daughter - the cost of an extra meal for the son seems only fair in that context. And given that she's paying for them to all go on holiday I don't get the sense that money is tight, or anywhere close.

The reason people are giving the OP a hard time is because of her disproportionate response. Raise an eyebrow, tell her son he should have asked first but that they'd love to welcome his gf - that seems normal. Hitting the roof, posting on the internet and banging on about nuclear family traditions - completely out of whack.

Nuclear family traditions that refuse to expand tend to contract. Agree that it's obvious the OP (and probably her husband) see their son as a disappointment compared to their daughter and this will be obvious to him as well. Most flaky, aimless 20yos tend to find their direction eventually and when he does those family traditions of 4 people only will be down to 3.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2022 09:33

Of course you're being unreasonable. What has flying your DD back got to do with your DS's jobs?

How would you feel if your DH's family had excluded you from family gatherings?

What if your DD wants to bring a boyfriend?

SomethingVexesThee · 30/03/2022 09:37

@DearlyBeloathed Yes I do think a holiday is less of a big deal than for instance a 50th birthday. I know it's a longer amount of time and larger cost, but it's less unique, if you see what I mean? But a normal meal out, not on a special occasion, that would be not a big deal particularly and I would expect girlfriend to be welcome. I'd still expect the son to ask first though!

Maighnuad · 30/03/2022 09:37

So when your children find a partner and settled down they will be excluded ?
You come across as a potential MIL from hell. perhaps take a look at it from your sons angle.

whyayepetal · 30/03/2022 09:38

Both partners were invited on the holiday, and both are attending - all good.

Neither partner was invited to the meal. If you are not invited by the host, you don’t get to come. “ Sorry DS, this one is just the four of us as that’s what your Dad wants for his birthday. Will be lovely to see your GF and DD’s BF on the holiday, but this booking has been made for the four of us”

SomethingVexesThee · 30/03/2022 09:38

Also, I'm not saying I wouldn't have invited the girlfriend and boyfriend. I might have done. But OP didn't, she wanted a family-only meal, so it's rude of the son to invite someone else, IMO.

cantbecoping · 30/03/2022 09:39

This is just plain weird. Nothing as strange as folk.

SomethingVexesThee · 30/03/2022 09:40

The huge divide of opinions on this thread is really interesting!

CounsellorTroi · 30/03/2022 09:41

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP. Given that your DD is abroad, opportunities for you to get together as a family are rare. I think it’s only natural that you’d prefer it to be just the four of you. Your DS should have asked you and not taken it for granted you’d want her there, especially as he doesn’t appear to be that serious about her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2022 09:44

that’s what your Dad wants for his birthday

No, this is what OP wants for her DH's birthday. No mention of if the poor bloke has any word in it anyway!

DirectionToPerfection · 30/03/2022 09:46

@whyayepetal

Both partners were invited on the holiday, and both are attending - all good.

Neither partner was invited to the meal. If you are not invited by the host, you don’t get to come. “ Sorry DS, this one is just the four of us as that’s what your Dad wants for his birthday. Will be lovely to see your GF and DD’s BF on the holiday, but this booking has been made for the four of us”

Ok, but any parents taking that approach shouldn't be surprised when their adult children and their partners exclude them from similar gatherings further down the line. OP and her DH won't be part of their nuclear family if they marry and have kids.

You can be warm and welcoming or petty and insular.

shockthemonkey · 30/03/2022 09:49

Just explain he should have asked, and tell him to disinvite her.

No need to hit the roof.

NewYorkCityDreamer · 30/03/2022 09:51

You do seem very controlling but I suppose the transition to adult children can be difficult. The only thing I wasn’t invited to by my partner’s family was a wedding (partner’s cousin) that was arranged before we got together (19 when we got together, 23 now and it’s happening this summer thanks to COVID).

We’ve lived together since we were 21 but even before that I was always welcome. All meals, all holidays, Christmas!

20viona · 30/03/2022 09:53

This reply has been deleted

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EthelTheAardvark · 30/03/2022 09:53

Given that your son apparently knows his father wouldn't like this, I'm with you, OP. Your son should, at the very least, have asked first.

Wannago · 30/03/2022 10:02

I am with you OP. Can't understand why others can't understand.

Firstly, the dynamic changes once significant others are included - and in some circumstances that is what is wanted (eg holiday) and others it might not be (family meal for big birthday). Especially as you are flying DD home, you want time to focus on the longstanding family, not the potential new additions. There is a time and a place for everything. There are times and places where one wants to have "old times" and be able to tell "in" jokes about what people were like when they were small or whatever without it necessarily going to the people's other half.
Secondly, six months is really not very long. I suppose if they had actually got engaged or something, one might overlook that, but six months on its own seems awfully short. All the pictures from this evening will have GF in it - absolutely fine if she turns out to be his long term partner, probably embarressing for everybody if they break up the following month. Might mean that half the family doesn't want to look at those pictures. Indeed DS might not want to look at those pictures within a month. And DS is not even paying so it is not appropriate for him to ask, especially where the focus is supposed to be on DH, not DS's relationship with his GF (whom DD might never have met, if she is studying the other side of the country - if that is the case, then this will end up being DD meet GF, more than DH birthday).

I think OP is being totally reasonable - and I would also have hit the roof if one of my DC instead of asking me - do you think GF/BF could come and we have a rational discussion about it, just invited them on my tab - especially to a big birthday celebration that I had been planning. I cannot in any circumstance see any of my DC doing this. Maybe if they felt very strongly when they asked "could they bring ...", I might change my mind about how I felt, and we would have a reasonable discussion, but to go ahead and invite? Obviously a bit different if they were (a) married; or (b) living together, paying their own bills and did everything as a couple - in that circumstance one would assume they would come together, and family traditions would have to expand, (and the OP would be expected to include them from the start) but a six month GF is not in that category (even if she might become in that category in the future, that is not the situation now).

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 30/03/2022 10:05

You're being ridiculous and risking your ds not coming at all. You're clearly pissed off with him more generally than this though, and using it as an excuse to express some of your fury about him losing jobs etc.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 30/03/2022 10:10

Having now read the full thread, I see the OP has disappeared.

Otherwise I'd ask her to make it clear when she's quoting somebody else and when she's making her own comments. Posts make so little sense otherwise.

NowEvenBetter · 30/03/2022 10:14

You made several digs about your son, never explained what ‘hitting the roof’ involved. What’s wrong with changing jobs that you don’t like? It’s an employees market, good on your son for not staying in jobs that he doesn’t like.
Who raised him to be flaky and so unlikeable to you?

NowEvenBetter · 30/03/2022 10:16

If your OP is really so inaccurate now you’re back-pedalling, write what you mean. It’s literally the only thing we have to go off.

MrsWinters · 30/03/2022 10:19

Referring to her as ‘current girlfriend’ is pretty horrible too. You are implying an end date on the relationship