Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
floofycroissant · 29/03/2022 21:12

You're infantilising him, no wonder he's a flake (your words) who's back in your spare bedroom.

You've overreacted. Could he have asked? Yes. Does it matter? Absolutely not.

The person who's opinion really matters is your DH, and I bet he doesn't care a jot.

winterchills · 29/03/2022 21:13

I don't see the problem and actually think your being mean

LER83 · 29/03/2022 21:13

I find it a bit weird that you never invited either of the partners in the first place. I went to the wedding of a boyfriends mum and stepdad once when we had only been together 3 months. In fact by 6 months I would think it normal to always invite them as a couple, even if they are flaky!

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 29/03/2022 21:14

The host gets to invite people.

He should have asked.

Pieceofpurplesky · 29/03/2022 21:14

I wonder if he invited her as he hates these evening when you praise the golden child and dismiss your flaky one? Maybe he hopes for a good evening and his GF will be a barrier as you may leave the comparisons out?

icelollycraving · 29/03/2022 21:15

It’s 6 months into a relationship not a girl he woke up with at the weekend. Seriously. Him being flaky at work is a separate issue. If he splits up with her a week later, do what? It’s just a dinner. Presumably you are not the queen 👀

Ohmybod · 29/03/2022 21:16

@reynardette

She is now coming the day before. Don't think we don't get on with her We do. It has made it awkward with DD's bf who would also have to fly to come. Really I think he just should have asked!
I think it’s obvious he didn’t ask because he knew he would get a resounding ‘no’.

It doesn’t have to be awkward with dds bf. It’s only you deciding that and you need to relax and remove the poker from up your arse. Trust me, the rest will follow.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 29/03/2022 21:16

Well. What a pickle.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 29/03/2022 21:16

It has made it awkward with DD's bf who would also have to fly to come

Not really as the BF would have to make more of a journey which would take more time and money , and the GF I'm guessing is local .

They do say it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

But maybe they want to announce their moving in together/engagement/pregnancy ? .

Christinatherabbit · 29/03/2022 21:17

You hit the roof? Really! I find this a complete over reaction. YABU

Namechangehereandnow · 29/03/2022 21:17

You’re being weird and unreasonable OP. It’s not healthy to insist on your very limited strict only parents and dc to a birthday meal.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 29/03/2022 21:17

I went to my ex boyfriend's Dad's 50th bash. It's all part of the rich tapestry of life.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 29/03/2022 21:17

The job mention just makes it seem like you don't like your DS - why is it relevant? If he's bringing home a different partner every weekend I could see your point but it just seems an over reaction on your part then you seem to blame shift by saying the traditions are nothing to do with you!

Tickledtrout · 29/03/2022 21:18

Your little family is going to shrink further if you don't check yourself soon OP.

If you want to maintain relationships with your children, especially your son, then you gave to realise they're adults and increasingly they will lead and you will follow. If you're lucky.

NamelessBaby1 · 29/03/2022 21:19

@notacooldad

To ask if she can come would be fine but he invited her without asking. I dont see the issue at all. I expected my adult kids to bring their gf's to occasions and gatherings. They dont have to permission. Arms are wide open for them!
Yeah this is what I think is strange too; as soon as we started to get partners it was just assumed they would join us at stuff, my parents would never have expected us to have to ask permission! I get that all families are different, but it's strange to put so much effort into bringing the daughter home and yet make such a fuss over the son wanting his GF there.
Kite22 · 29/03/2022 21:20

YABU to "hit the roof". Completely OTT reaction.

I do agree, he should have asked you first, rather than inviting anyone to anything he isn't hosting, but I also agree with the poster listing the 'MiL bingo'. It sounds very rigid in terms of "this is what we do" Hmm
Life evolves.
DC grow up and dc become part of a couple. If your dd lives a flight away, then presumably she hasn't had chance to get to know ds's gf, so this would seem like a nice opportunity to start that relationship. If your ds had been with his gf 6 months, it doesn't seem strange to me to invite her along to a family birthday meal.

Useranon1 · 29/03/2022 21:20

These replies are so weird, YANBU AT ALL!!!

It's not ok to just invite your gf to someone else's birthday dinner. Simple.

marqueses · 29/03/2022 21:22

@DearlyBeloathed

Also, is DS now going to have to tell her she can't go? They probably both assumed you'd be okay with it!

Makes things a tad awkward ...

Well they will now know that assuming you can invite someone to something without having the basic manners to ask the organiser is rude and might set you up for disappointment

I'm really surprised that so many posters think such rudeness is OK

MichelleScarn · 29/03/2022 21:23

@Pieceofpurplesky

I wonder if he invited her as he hates these evening when you praise the golden child and dismiss your flaky one? Maybe he hopes for a good evening and his GF will be a barrier as you may leave the comparisons out?
Exactly, especially when it seems a big factor is that the DDs bf wouldn't be there too. As pp have said, it's going to sad when he has kids and you never celebrate anything with them as its 'nuclear family only'....
itsgettingweird · 29/03/2022 21:23

I agree with those saying it's not that weird.

You keep saying BIG birthday. But it's a birthday celebration of family. Your ds girlfriend is a part of his life and I'd assume after 6 months they are serious and in love.

So when do you start to include her in family events?

Fwiw my brothers gf came it family events after such a time. All outs have been big ones as my mum is dying of cancer and their our last family ones. But as my brothers girlfriend she is part of his life and therefore part of our family life by extension of that.

SawnWood · 29/03/2022 21:23

You sound quite strange about wanting to continue the nuclear tradition. I guess you’ll be at their wedding insisting on a family photo without the married partner as they’re not family!
Ask your DD if they want their partner to come, or tell your sons partner they are not welcome and take the fall out if you want it “family” only until you are left alone. Will this rule still stick when they’re married and have your grandkids?.

Febrier · 29/03/2022 21:23

I think it depends on what size birthday it is. You should have mentioned it and then we could responsibly vote.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 29/03/2022 21:24

You sound a bit obsessed with keeping your ‘tiny family ‘ tight despite your kids moving on and growing up

Nightlystroll · 29/03/2022 21:24

Yes, he should have asked. It's just good manners not to invite guests along for meals that someone else is paying for without asking.

Not the point of the thread I know, but how has he lost 4 jobs in 3 months? Maybe his girlfriend should be thinking of dumping him and not the other way around.

Lesperance · 29/03/2022 21:25

YANBU.
Loads of people on this thread are clearly really rude. Your son does not live with his girlfriend. You simply don't invite people to other people's birthday meals without have the courtesy to ask the person who is either paying, or inviting, first. It's the not checking first that means you are not unreasonable. You appear to live in the same house. You do not inform somebody that they have to buy somebody else a meal. You ask/check that it's ok.
On the other hand, OP, you brought him up, so some of this is on you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread