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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
Everydaydayisaschoolday · 29/03/2022 20:44

As our children grow up we have to accept that the nuclear family unit won't be enough for them anymore. First of all in their early teens their mates become important to them. Eventually they will (if they are lucky) have romantic partners who will matter to them just as much as us. You need to accept that some traditions and habits will change as they as as they grow up.

Don't force your DH to choose between a family dinner and his girlfriend. You might well be disappointed with his decision.

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 20:45

What’s his job losses got to do with it? You make him sound like he’s lesser so doesn’t deserve to bring his girlfriend. I can’t for the life of me why you felt it important to tell people he’d lost jobs in this context. It smacks of he’s not as good as my daughter.

It’s quite disconcerting.

Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:46

In no particular order:
He is 23, she is 20. We have had similar situations with previous gfs
Relevance of job situation: He is flaky! I really like her btw.
DD in a very serious relationship. We like him too!
We are all going on holiday together, both DCs and their partners, in May, which is paid for.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/03/2022 20:46

He was unreasonable to invite without asking you.
but you were unreasonable to hit the roof...
it makes a really big issue of you not wanting her there, when it sounds like you don't know her or much about their relationship.

If you discussed it with him calmly you could have a better chance of
persuading him that just this once its just the four of you, and she's welcome to come the next day for further family celebrations instead
A knee jerk reaction runs the risk of alienating him.
Also
DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us

sounds like he's not exactly flavour of the month with you and he probably knows it. Could he wants his girlfriend there because he feels this and at the same time is witnessing all the secret moves to get his sister home as a "present" to DH. Is his being there also a present for DH?

Is it possible that your son might be feeling quite low and perhaps a different approach to dealing with him would resolve the situation.

This girl could end up being his life partner for all you know. Is arguing with him because he wants her to meet the family the best way to handle the fact that he will be having more serious girlfriends as he's now an adult?

Uafasach · 29/03/2022 20:46

Hugely unreasonable. They are adults. Did you think family celebrations would forever remain just the four of you?

Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:47

I was angry because he should have asked.

OP posts:
StScholastica · 29/03/2022 20:47

I'd be pleased he felt comfortable enough to bring her.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 20:47

It's bit rude to invite someone to someone else's birthday meal

Bookworm20 · 29/03/2022 20:48

They have been together 6 months, if it was a couple weeks then maybe you have a point.
Sounds like you begrudge him bringing her but for what reason? Cost of a meal for your sons partner? When you’re paying for a flight and a train for your dd?

Yabu. They are adults. At some point your ‘dc’ may get married. Will their spouses be left out then? What about grandchildren?

You honestly do sound like you’d be a mil from hell to be honest. My 17 yo had her bf over for my bday dinner at our house. He was welcomed. They had been dating 2 months. Made zero difference to our family meal, why would it?

Genuinely curious

Hospedia · 29/03/2022 20:48

She's coming on holiday with you all so he probably presumed it would also be fine for her to be included in other family events such as birthdays and meals out.

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 20:49

@reynardette

I was angry because he should have asked.
So you decided you’d put his job situation in there and rhe fact he’s living at home in a way that reads like you feel disdain for your own child?

Are you actually playing favourites? Like really?

Puddlelane123 · 29/03/2022 20:49

A friend married into one of these insular families and it did not go well for her. The MIL in particular viewed anyone entering into their sacred ‘nuclear family’ with deep suspicion and she was never made to feel welcome.

FWIW I think your son should have asked if he could bring his girlfriend before inviting her, but your reaction strikes me as being somewhat extreme and unwelcoming. I feel there must be more to this scenario than first described.

Cervinia · 29/03/2022 20:49

Six months isn’t a fling and DSs job history is laughably irrelevant.

jimpamdwight · 29/03/2022 20:49

I'm surprised so many people think you're being unreasonable. They've not been together long at all, there's no extended family there, I wouldn't have even dreamt of inviting her if I was him! There's so many other opportunities for you all to get to know her and her be welcomed into your family, but this isn't the time. Yanbu.

I don't know if I would have hit to roof but I would have explained it's not an invite someone event but you'd love to do something else together soon.

luxxlisbon · 29/03/2022 20:50

“Hit the roof” seems like a complete over the top reaction. It might be tradition but they are adults and until 2 days ago they both lived away from the family home.
The reality is “nuclear family traditions” can’t last forever. Are wives/husbands and grandchildren going to be excluded on birthdays too?

Natty13 · 29/03/2022 20:50

I think in years to come, if your DS ends up marrying her and having kids, you come back and post about why she won't let you round their house with an open invite or wants to celebrate DGC birthdays with THEIR own nuclear family I.e. not you.

How you treat people, they will end up treating you

Herewegoagain84 · 29/03/2022 20:50

Yabu - always welcome DC’s partners otherwise you’re setting yourself up for problems.

Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:50

He was unreasonable to invite without asking you.
but you were unreasonable to hit the roof...
it makes a really big issue of you not wanting her there, when it sounds like you don't know her or much about their relationship.

I agree with both these statements. But I do know about their relationship and I do know him. And I do like her. But just a couple of weeks ago he was telling me why it wouldn't work out...

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 29/03/2022 20:50

Instead of hitting the roof could you not have just said, well I realise you've already invited her but it would have been better to ask as now I have to cover another person's meal, please don't do that again.

Sisisimone · 29/03/2022 20:51

I honestly dont understand what the problem is or why you would 'hit the roof'. It's a meal in a restaurant and he'd like his girlfriend to be there. Why the drama? Surely the more the merrier, especially as you say you like her.

PinkSyCo · 29/03/2022 20:51

I agree DS should have asked but if, as you say, you really like his GF why didn’t you suggest he invite her?

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/03/2022 20:52

Also, early 20s are the exact time you're supposed to be flaky with relationships and life in general before you figure things out.

luxxlisbon · 29/03/2022 20:53

But I do know about their relationship and I do know him. And I do like her. But just a couple of weeks ago he was telling me why it wouldn't work out...

And yet you are happy to bring her on holiday and pay for it yet dinner is too much because ‘he is flaky’ and they won’t work out.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/03/2022 20:53

He should have asked. But...what you refer to as a family tradition of celebrating just as a nuclear family, your children may view differently. They may see it not as a choice, but a consequence of the reality that you have very little family. They may see any opportunity to expand that tight (or limited) circle as a positive thing.

Would it really be so bad if she came along? Why is it ok to go on holiday together but not for a meal?

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 20:53

So why didn’t you just post a thread saying I’m having a dinner for husbands birthday and my son invited his girlfriend without asking me and I don’t want to pay? Why he horrible about him?