DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

[reynardette]

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

Yabu

You say he should have asked but it sounds like it would have been a hard no?
I would expect partners to be invited at the age he is.
Also, it’s a birthday meal, big birthday or not, it’s not that big of a deal if someone who won’t be around forever is there, she’s the person he is with now.
Are partners not allowed at family events until after marriage?

Your children will get partners and your family will grow. Sounds like you just don't want to share

Its not a new relationship and your children will want to include partners that may one day be their family
Bit strange not inviting her really and strange thinking it can always just be the 4 of you

@Blackbirdflyintothelight

Sorry I do think your reaction is unreasonable. Why shouldn't his GF come to a family meal?

Who's paying and have they all met?

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

If you're neither paying nor organising then you don't get to invite additional people without at least a courtesy check with the payer/organiser.

Exactly. I'm not sure why the majority of posters are not recognsising that. It's basic politeness and consideration.

Of course you're being unreasonable. Why were your adult DCs partners not invited from the outset?

And what on earth does his employment status of living arrangements have to do with being welcoming to the significant partners of your children?

(I agree with PPs that its very clear that you favour your DD)

The only relevant info for me here is that DS isn’t organising or paying for the event so he doesnt get to invite anyone without asking the person who is first

He had no right to invite anyone to a family meal especially if he isn't paying.

I think he should have asked but it’s weird you didn’t invite her

So.
I would be happy if she was my DiL
It is not my birthday, it is my DH's. It is what he likes.
It is not "my" fixed idea.
My DS should know this by now.
We absolutley do not insist on attendance from DCs!
I still don't think anyone should ask anyone else to someone's brithday without clearing it.

@Savoretti

You sound like you favour your daughter

Absolutely.

Why is it okay for a girlfriend of 6 months to come on holiday but not for a meal? How weird.

Hmm. Surely your biggest beef with your son is that he can't keep hold of a job? What's going on there? Worry about that rather than this birthday thing.

YABU.
I understand why you feel the way you do, especially if there are signs the relationship might not be serious or end soon. However I think, as children get older, traditions like this have to adapt to account for their lives.
I think if you make a big deal about this it could end up backfiring and your son won’t want to come or won’t want to encourage future partners to be involved with your family.

At what point would you consider your children’s partners part of your family? Are you hoping any future grandchildren will be part of your family birthdays? I dunno, I just think you need to consider the longer term.

He should've asked you before inviting but you would've said no which would be unkind. Especially as you don't have close relatives, just open up a bit, you're not an island in isolation.

@reynardette

In no particular order: He is 23, she is 20. We have had similar situations with previous gfs Relevance of job situation: He is flaky! I really like her btw. DD in a very serious relationship. We like him too! We are all going on holiday together, both DCs and their partners, in May, which is paid for.

I take back my other post.

If you're all going away together then what's the problem with the birthday?

What if they marry? Will they be invited to birthdays then?

To ask if she can come would be fine but he invited her without asking.
I dont see the issue at all. I expected my adult kids to bring their gf's to occasions and gatherings. They dont have to permission. Arms are wide open for them!

I can't really understand why it's ok for her to go on holiday with you, but not a birthday dinner.
She's your son's partner and it could be an opportunity for you to get to know her a bit more.
These occasions make treasured memories for the future, which may well include your son's partner.

If you’re paying he should have asked first.

Let go.
They are adults. You sound very controlling.

Adults who throw mardy temper tantrums are always wrong.

@reynardette

She is now coming the day before. Don't think we don't get on with her We do. It has made it awkward with DD's bf who would also have to fly to come. Really I think he just should have asked!

Poor girl so she has to scarper before the big dinner.

You're going to be one or those Mails 😃😃

MILs not mail 🙈

So she can go on holiday with you but not out for a meal? Bonkers!

He should have asked if he’s expecting you to pay, but you sound way OTT about the exclusivity of the event.

Yabu

Also, is DS now going to have to tell her she can't go? They probably both assumed you'd be okay with it!

Makes things a tad awkward ...