DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

[reynardette]

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

@Blackbirdflyintothelight

Sorry I do think your reaction is unreasonable. Why shouldn't his GF come to a family meal?

Because she is a girlfriend of 6 months, therefore not that established, and it wasn't his place to invite her.

Families change, if you don't you'll find your children don't bother coming to family events.

Be warm and welcoming or you will regret it.

@Sirzy

Surely you realised as your children grow and have partners they will end up becoming part of family gatherings?

'End up' yes, be invited along to a immediate family only birthday celebration by someone who isn't organising it or paying. No. He could have ASKED, but even then, probably not so soon.

Definitely unreasonable. Of course he wants to bring his girlfriend and six months is quite a long time for a young person. Why are you so against the idea?

Having four jobs and losing them in a year is not that unusual either, he'll settle down eventually when he finds his niche. I was always losing or walking out on jobs when I first left education but once I found the right one, I was set for life. However I don't see what that has to do with your son's girlfriend's presence at the birthday dinner - she may even be a stabilising influence on him. Please do make her feel welcome. It's been a very unstable two years for everyone, including and maybe especially youngsters, so give them a break.

Just say the restaurant can’t accommodate another person

Initially I voted.that you were not being unreasonable, but I reread your first post and saw that your sons girlfriend has been with him for 6 months, to give credit to him it must be serious as she has outlasted 4 jobs.

@Blackbirdflyintothelight

Sorry I do think your reaction is unreasonable. Why shouldn't his GF come to a family meal?

Because the person organising it/paying for it didn't invite them. It's monumentally rude to invite someone when you're not the one organising/paying.

I hit the roof. How does this manifest?

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove

Well. What a pickle.

Indeed .

Are you absolutely sure that you aren't just pissed off that your daughter's boyfriend can't be there? Can he travel with your daughter too?

@Namechangehereandnow

You’re being weird and unreasonable OP. It’s not healthy to insist on your very limited strict only parents and dc to a birthday meal.

It give me visions of everyone sitting very upright and proper at the table and an atmosphere heavy with a stuffy formal atmosphere 😁 probably not like that at all but I’m always amazed at how uptight people can be about stuff. If he’s not paying then he should have asked but other than that 🤷‍♀️

Do you always hit the roof?,I bet you do and you seem very controlling and no wonder he's flaky.
Can you not be peaceful because you will give yourself a heart attack with that ridiculous carry on over a birthday evening,someday you might look around and wonder why he doesn't come visit very often

I think the key phrase here is he told me he had invited his current girlfriend
This suggests to me that girlfriends change frequently, and he didn't ask.
I don't understand why so many of you seem to think that the problem is the girlfriend coming or not. The problem is the not asking.

@reynardette

So. I would be happy if she was my DiL It is not my birthday, it is my DH's. It is what he likes. It is not "my" fixed idea. My DS should know this by now. We absolutley do not insist on attendance from DCs! I still don't think anyone should ask anyone else to someone's brithday without clearing it.

I suppose you're right about that, he should have asked, but would you have said, "No"? There will still only be six of you at the table, the young people will like being with other young people and not just their parents. I'm sure your husband will appreciate that everyone made such an effort.

Get over it, chill out and enjoy!

Because she is a girlfriend of 6 months, therefore not that established, and it wasn't his place to invite her

Clearly established enough to be welcomed on a holiday though!

@PineappleRingo

Just say the restaurant can’t accommodate another person

Do you not think the son would notice that’s not true?

No wonder he has form for inviting friends along as a buffer to what appear to be rigid, insular family do’s where he is likely sneered at whilst his sister is feted.

Well they will now know that assuming you can invite someone to something without having the basic manners to ask the organiser is rude and might set you up for disappointment

Fucking hell, such drama.

Isn't it just normal to invite along adult partners when they start dating your DC? But then again, maybe it's not normal if you're obsessed with your 'nuclear' family set up.

If you're happy enough for her to join you on a family holiday, why on earth is it an issue for her to come to a bloody meal.
You are being way over the top.

@DFOD

No wonder he has form for inviting friends along as a buffer to what appear to be rigid, insular family do’s where he is likely sneered at whilst his sister is feted.

Absolutely.

YABU. What a total over-reaction.

Yabvu and sound like my awful mil who was obsessed with keeping everything the same in her nuclear family which manifested itself in basically trying to control her kids lives. It backfired and she now has terrible relationships with them and has learned the hard way over the years that it’s not normal to be so completely insular and unwilling to embrace the partners of her kids and their families, and also accept that part of this means your own traditions might change.

Six months is long enough for it to be insulting to the girlfriend that you haven’t invited her….I hope for your sake they don’t get married and end up having kids….you also sound very down on your son I’m sure that makes him feel pretty bad.

Having four jobs and losing them in a year is not that unusual either

🤔 I think it is. I don't know anyone who's lost 4 jobs in a year. Maybe he got sacked over lack of manners?

My MIL never invited me to family events for the first few years of being with her son. It made me feel incredibly unwelcome and unsurprisingly he would spend all his time at my home, with my family. Don't invite her to your big family events but don't be surprised when they don't want to hang out for big or small events with you in the future.

Also, how much you favour your daughter radiates through this post - if we know, your son knows.

Your son does not live with his girlfriend

So?