Page 15 | DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

lanthanum · 30/03/2022 10:21

@reynardette

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

The thing he has done wrong is to invite someone to an event organised by someone else without even asking. That's not on, whoever or whatever, and he ought to know that.

Your response had he asked if she could be invited is a completely separate matter. Hopefully you would at least have had a rational discussion about it. There will come a point when you need to start including your children's partners in things, and a point blank no means you're saying to him that his girlfriend doesn't count. He's been with her six months - some are engaged by that point, and he's kept her longer than any job.

There might be good reasons for saying "not this time" - for instance that it being a flying visit for your daughter, she'd rather focus on her dad than be trying to get to know brother's girlfriend. Plan a family get-together for when she's next home and make it clear that the girlfriend will be included in that.

EthelTheAardvark · 30/03/2022 10:21

@MrsWinters

Referring to her as ‘current girlfriend’ is pretty horrible too. You are implying an end date on the relationship

Well, OP's son has already been telling her why the relationship won't work out. It's hardly an unreasonable conclusion.

Gonnagetgoing · 30/03/2022 10:25

OP - why post here though? Surely you know what AIBU is about and what you get jumped on for and not for?

I'm surprised you have 3 sons and a daughter yet this sort of blip hasn't come up before to be honest.

QueenWatevraWaNabi · 30/03/2022 10:26

Is anyone else hoping dd rocks up with her boyfriend in tow without telling anyone he's coming?

I expect OP would be a big fan of this and would be gushing about how they spent money on his flight / the effort they've made / how they're such a serious couple.

gannett · 30/03/2022 10:27

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Of course you're being unreasonable. What has flying your DD back got to do with your DS's jobs?

How would you feel if your DH's family had excluded you from family gatherings?

What if your DD wants to bring a boyfriend?

I have a feeling that if DD had wanted to bring a boyfriend it would not have been the slightest bit of a problem for OP or her husband.

Celticdawn5 · 30/03/2022 10:41

I wouldn’t be happy with son inviting girlfriend on this occasion. Having the girlfriend there would change the dynamic of the occasion.
I had similar on my husbands birthday and had no qualms making it clear it was for immediate family only.
Perhaps the girlfriend doesn’t realise it’s a small family affair.

debwong · 30/03/2022 11:10

I can't quite grasp exactly how this happened so please draw a diagram of you hitting the roof.

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 30/03/2022 11:12

I don't get how people think this nuclear family thing carries on into adulthood? I find it odd. I don't expect my children once they reach the age of gf and bfs to not bring them along to family things, couples come as a pair. My parents have always been the more the merrier and accepting of bfs and gfs. It sets the tone for when you eventually settle down, my husband, bil and sil who all married into our family have a great relationship with my parents. I bet you'll be a nightmare mil one day I can see it now, you'll be back in a few years time when you can't figure out why your dil doesn't like you and doesn't want to raise her child how you raised your "perfect little nuclear family".

My in laws have a weird obsession with blood relatives, they see our children as part of their family (as blood relatives) but I'm the outsider, just the vessel that created their grandchildren. They'd happily cut me out of things as I'm not really family (I've been with my husband since I was 21, over 17 years!). This gf could be the one your son marries, my husband was a bit flakey at the start of our relationship his parents probably thought I was just a passing girlfriend too. Including bfs and gfs creates good future relationships with them.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 30/03/2022 11:18

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I think the DS was pretty rude not to ask if his GF could go and since he's just lost another job and is back at home relying on his mum and dad, presumably expecting them to pay for her meal is just taking the piss IMO. If the DS knew that his DF likes a very small birthday celebration, inviting his GF shows he doesn't really care about his DF's birthday.

I don't understand all this Golden child stuff. I only have one child but if by the age of 23 she is constantly losing jobs, wanting to move back home and is expecting me to subsidise her life I'll be pretty pissed off with her.

SprayedWithDettol · 30/03/2022 11:24

@KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa

I don't get how people think this nuclear family thing carries on into adulthood? I find it odd. I don't expect my children once they reach the age of gf and bfs to not bring them along to family things, couples come as a pair. My parents have always been the more the merrier and accepting of bfs and gfs. It sets the tone for when you eventually settle down, my husband, bil and sil who all married into our family have a great relationship with my parents. I bet you'll be a nightmare mil one day I can see it now, you'll be back in a few years time when you can't figure out why your dil doesn't like you and doesn't want to raise her child how you raised your "perfect little nuclear family".

My in laws have a weird obsession with blood relatives, they see our children as part of their family (as blood relatives) but I'm the outsider, just the vessel that created their grandchildren. They'd happily cut me out of things as I'm not really family (I've been with my husband since I was 21, over 17 years!). This gf could be the one your son marries, my husband was a bit flakey at the start of our relationship his parents probably thought I was just a passing girlfriend too. Including bfs and gfs creates good future relationships with them.

The blood thing is batshit crazy. The mother and father don’t have the same blood so it immediately makes the whole position ridiculous.

OP. I imagine your son is bringing his girlfriend because it is more fun to have her there. Make of that what you will.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 11:29

@MrsWinters

Referring to her as ‘current girlfriend’ is pretty horrible too. You are implying an end date on the relationship

It’s just stating a fact though.

Plus a lot of relationships people have in their early twenties do not go the distance

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 11:32

What’s all this talk of op preferring her son to her daughter?! Son sounds a bit of a pain in the arse at the moment so maybe yeah at the current time op does prefer her daughter!

Op is a human after all with feelings, it’s natural .

SaintJavelin · 30/03/2022 12:15

He certainly should have asked beforehand but the fact that your DD is the golden child is painfully obvious.

LizzieW1969 · 30/03/2022 12:34

I agree that the DS should have asked if he could bring his girlfriend, but I can’t imagine reacting in this way if one of my DDs did this. I would just call the restaurant and tell them that an extra person would be joining us. No big deal to me at all.

I also noticed the OP’s meanness towards her DS. Significantly, I think, she hasn’t tried to deny that she favours her DD; if that really wasn’t the case wouldn’t she try to contradict this and say that it absolutely wasn’t the case? I know I would react strongly if it was suggested that I favoured one of my DDs over the other.

DirectionToPerfection · 30/03/2022 12:36

@LuckySantangelo35

What’s all this talk of op preferring her son to her daughter?! Son sounds a bit of a pain in the arse at the moment so maybe yeah at the current time op does prefer her daughter!

Op is a human after all with feelings, it’s natural .

Just wow.

sellthesizzle · 30/03/2022 13:02

He should have asked - very rude to just invite someone to someone else's birthday.

Some very judgemental comments on here...

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 13:02

@DirectionToPerfection

Doesn’t mean she loves him any less, more than she is just exasperated by his behaviour. Which is allowed, parents can feel like that.