Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS inviting girlfriend to DH BIG birthday family dinner

367 replies

reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:29

Here's the thing. We have a nuclear family tradition (parents, 2 DCs) of going out together on birthdays. We have a small family. My parents live abroad. My sibling dead. DH's mum died almost 30 years ago. His dad is not engaged and on wife 3. It is DH's BIG birthday. DD is student as far away in the UK as it is possible to be from us and I have secretly arranged for her to fly back, get a train and meet us in a lovely restaurant to surprise him. It is a big deal. We do not do this often. Meanwhile, DS has lost his 4th job this year (really) and from two days ago currently home with us. This evening told me he has invited current girlfriend to come on DH's birthday evening. They have been together for 6 months. I hit the roof. AIBU

OP posts:
Kuachui · 29/03/2022 20:54

yabu and let me tell you, this woman vould be your grandchildrens mother. have some respect before you lose your son and any visitation to any grandkids in the future.

its a adults birthday fgs and theyve been dating 6 months get real.

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 20:55

And what does hit the roof look like, how did you treat him?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 29/03/2022 20:55

He should have asked but you're hugely overreacting here. He's an adult, of course he's going to invite his partner.

Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 20:55

She is now coming the day before. Don't think we don't get on with her We do. It has made it awkward with DD's bf who would also have to fly to come. Really I think he just should have asked!

OP posts:
Robin843 · 29/03/2022 20:55

You "hit the roof"? Are you generally fond of drama?

BaffledMum22 · 29/03/2022 20:56

I think you’re pretty unreasonable to have hit the roof over it. Yes, if he’s not paying for it then maybe he should have ran it past you first but at least he felt comfortable enough to bring her to a family event 🤷🏻‍♀️
He could be like me and feel so uncomfortable around my family that they found out about my now DH after we’d been together 3 years. We’d even lived together 2 years at that point. They showed no interest in my life so I didn’t volunteer any information. I lived 30 mins away and they had never visited so had no idea 🤷🏻‍♀️

Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 20:56

@reynardette

She is now coming the day before. Don't think we don't get on with her We do. It has made it awkward with DD's bf who would also have to fly to come. Really I think he just should have asked!
I’m sure the boyfriend can cope. Confused
ChicCroissant · 29/03/2022 20:57

You've got a very fixed idea of how family birthdays should be celebrated, but not everyone agrees - you've said it's not the first time he's wanted to bring someone else along so it's not really a surprise that it's happened again. Would you rather he didn't come at all in future rather than bring his partner along?

It does sound like the DD is the favourite, which does make me wonder if the big return is for you rather than your DH.

I really would think about what you want in the future, not just this meal.

ChristinaXYZ · 29/03/2022 20:57

@Mummy1608

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Spot on - you are being super unreasonable OP. Whilst he should have asked there is no way you could say no without being candidate for nuts MiL awards. So as any reasonable mother would say yes what's your problem??!

Maybe he and girlfriend will start an exclusivity club without you? Have you thought of that?

Mend your bridges and fast.

Hospedia · 29/03/2022 20:58

Based on your posts I can almost 100% guarantee that as soon as he gets married/moves in with someone you will very rarely see him. It's like reading MILs diary (NC 10yrs now, best ten years of DH's life).

SquirrelG · 29/03/2022 20:58

He shouldn't have invited her without asking you first, but otherwise I can't see what the issue is.

SiobhanSharpe · 29/03/2022 21:00

He should have asked you and/or your DH first before issuing an invitation to his GF. That's the polite thing to do. Unless he's paying.

Londonderry34 · 29/03/2022 21:00

She might be your daughter in law one day. Think on......be generous, be hospitable, be proud of your family and welcome incomers to join the fun!

Charpick · 29/03/2022 21:00

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I assume the son intends to pay for his girlfriend? If so, maybe let it go but it doesn’t sound like this will be the case. He shouldn’t have invited someone without clearing it with you first IMO.

Original poster
reynardette · 29/03/2022 21:01

So why didn’t you just post a thread saying I’m having a dinner for husbands birthday and my son invited his girlfriend without asking me and I don’t want to pay? Why he horrible about him?

It's not about paying. Read the posts

OP posts:
Laptopsandmouses · 29/03/2022 21:01

Why don’t you go and apologise to him op? You owe him that. And I’d be cautious how you treat him. Otherwise one day you’ll be on here complaining you never see your grandkids.

It’s very clear you’re excited about the favoured child coming down and you’re disappointed in your own son. If it’s clear to us, it’s clear to him.

This is your child op. Tread cautiously.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/03/2022 21:02

So basically he should’ve asked.

I think I’d invite her and see how it pans out with them.

Benjispruce5 · 29/03/2022 21:02

He should have asked you first . However they’ve been together a while at 6 months so I think YABU.

DFOD · 29/03/2022 21:02

@Mummy1608

I mean this to be helpful and assume you just havent thought through...You are going to be a nightmare MIL if you keep that attitude.

Nightmare MIL bingo:
Inflexible rituals "we do this Every Year and we Always Have Done"
Exclusivity "nuclear family ONLY"
Insisting on attendance to your events (what if your DD declined?)
Thinking of your son as a child, being judgemental of his work problems
Minimising the importance of your son's relationships

Have I forgotten any?

Yep - golden child and scapegoat child and the enabling DH to the volatile DW

Is there an issue with how you communicate and negotiate respectfully in your family?

Nousernameforme · 29/03/2022 21:03

I think when you get to adult stage and they are seeing someone seriously then it is generally accepted all family dodahs now include the partner. My 2 oldest are both in ltr and Halloween christmas and new year and all birthdays partners have been included. Not least cause it guarantees the dc themselves turn up Grin

Summerfun54321 · 29/03/2022 21:03

You’re all going on holiday together. Why would he think to ask about inviting her to a family meal? “Hitting the roof” sounds like a massive over reaction.

Soontobe60 · 29/03/2022 21:03

Not only are YBU, you’re also being absolutely horrible!

luxxlisbon · 29/03/2022 21:03

It has made it awkward with DD's bf who would also have to fly to come. Really I think he just should have asked!

Has it though? Surely your daughter’s adult bf knows that you will see your son’s girlfriend more than him due to distance. I’m sure he won’t care that he isn’t flying in specifically for one dinner.

Don't think we don't get on with her We do.

Then what’s the big deal?

Savoretti · 29/03/2022 21:03

You sound like you favour your daughter

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 29/03/2022 21:04

If you're neither paying nor organising then you don't get to invite additional people without at least a courtesy check with the payer/organiser.