To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

[PinkAndViolet]

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

Have you discussed what happened with your dh? What did he say of their exchange?

You can do as you will, but you and your husband are separate and entirely different people, not some kind of hive mind.

It is perfectly fine to have a problem with one person and not extend that to another. Sensible and mature, I’d say. Not tarring with the same brush. For example, just because my FIL is a racist doesn’t mean I think my MIL is.

She would be better raising the slight directly with him but explaining to you would be courteous given your connection as it would with any mutual friend I suppose.

Totally depends on what actually happened.

Was your husband rude though? Your friend isn't wrong she is entitled to express herself.

Let it blow over OP. Don't let your friend baby sit for you again. Why didn't your friend tell you about the kids rather than your DH? In the first place.

Hmmm...
Did she look after your kids for free, your children were badly behaved, and then your husband brushed it off and was ungrateful?
If so he is being v unreasonable.

I think you should be more concerned about what the bad behaviour was that she was reporting.

Your dh shouldn’t have said “that doesn’t seem right”. He should have listened and said he’ll deal with the kids - finding out what/why stuff happened etc

DH went to collect them and so she told him first.
He said she took it the wrong way and/or it wasn't meant to sound accusatory.
Either way she said herself the trust has gone in our relationships.
I do feel though that she should have told DH how she felt more rather than coming to me. Just don't like being put in that position where she criticised him to me.

Took what the wrong way? How did he respond to her?

okay tammy wynette

What he said.
He believed it sounded out of character for the kids to behave in that way and wanted to find out more. The end result was she felt accused of making it all up and this has now ruined the friendship especially as she said she felt there was no way back from this now.

Seriously. Tell us the actual issue. Literally no idea what's going on. Your updates shed no light.
What was the issue she bought up with your husband and how was his response to her??

Your friend did you and your husband a favour and he accused her of lying.

You've now decided that because she's upset and being taken advantage of and called a liar you don't want to bd her friend

The correct response should have been 'thankyou for watching the children'

Is it because you find DH intimidating and accusatory that you don't want to speak to him about it. Much easier go just burn bridges with what sounds likely a very helpful and kind friend.

Again, impossible to judge unless you divulge what your child was accused of.

I don't know how much clearer I have to make it?
Friend said kids misbehaved as in were rude to her, not listening etc. She told DH when he came to collect. He was surprised and said so but she felt accused and unsupported.
She then texted me a long message expressing her grievances with my husband which I did not like. I feel the right thing now is to draw a line under this as an unfortunate experience and stand by my husband/let the friendship go especially as she feel there is no comeback from this either. I do as I also said feel annoyed that she criticised my husband to me.

It’s very hard to judge without knowing more details but ultimately if you leave your dc in the care of someone it’s because you trust them and their judgement. If your DH didn’t convey that his concern was around the behaviour being so out of character rather than not believing her account then I can understand her pov.

However, that’s almost impossible to judge on so few details. Did the dc cause damage that will take £££ to rectify and the friend feels like she’s been accused of grifting? What are the consequences of not taking her account at face value?

If it’s genuine concern about a particular behaviour then all you need to do is stress that surely?

Do you think the friend was lying/exaggerating about their behaviour? If so why would she do that?

🙄 you and your DH are not one person. If she has a problem with his behaviour but not yours, why is that so hard to understand?

Your DH, whatever his intention, had the effect of accusing someone (who had just done you a major favour) of lying, and did it in terms that were transformational to her.

What you need to get your mind round is how your DH managed to cause friendship-ending levels of hurt in such a short space of time.

And to do so before any other friendships go west because of him.

She probably spoke to you about it because she thought it was better to explain tan to ghost.

It is entirely possible to like one half of a couple and not the other - particularly if you've known one of them longer than the other. If your friend is usually a reasonable and supportive person then something your husband said or did had made her snap. It's likely that you are only choosing to hear your husband's side of the story.

And of course if someone has a problem with anyone's spouse it doesn't mean they necessarily have a problem with the other spouse, what a ridiculous and childish attitude.

Well. She sounds like she’s overreacted but it’s a bit perplexing. If the exchange was:

H: thanks for having him, how was he?
F: well, he was very naughty and smashed a toy on purpose.
H: really? That’s really out if character for him - what happened?

Then she’s obviously being ridiculous.

Was it more:

H: thanks for having him, how was he?
F: well, he was very naughty and smashed a toy on purpose.
H: no way - he’d never do that - you’ve always hated my child you harpie.

Then sure, being upset is a reasonable reaction.

The children belong to both of you so why shouldn't she have told him?

Whatever the ins and outs, I strongly suspect your relationship is down the drain.

Why was your dh not firstly apologetic about his children's behaviour? If you and he trust her enough for her to mind your dc, surely you trust the feedback she gave on their behaviour?

I'd be mortified if I collected my dc from a friend and she told me they misbehaved. I'd apologise on their behalf and take them home and find out exactly what happened.

If it then came to light that she had misrepresented them, I'd take it up separately, but your dh did the wrong thing here.

Your husband only needed to listen to what your friend said, he did not have to get defensive with her. A holding statement saying “thanks for letting me know, I’ll deal with it” would have kept your friend happy in that moment, Later, without the friend present he could have spoken to the children and heard them out and dealt with them or not whatever he determined from that conversation.

However in the moment he chose to minimise and dismiss your friend, who was doing him a favour. Whatever the wrongs or rights of the situation with the kids I am not surprised your friend wasn’t happy.

She told DH when he came to collect. He was surprised and said so but she felt accused and unsupported
She then texted me a long message expressing her grievances with my husband which I did not like. I feel the right thing now is to draw a line under this as an unfortunate experience

Based on this yanbu. I don’t know if I’d frame it as supporting my husband though, I’d be stepping away from the drama and mismatch of communication in my own right regardless of a spat with my DH.