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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say if you have a problem with my husband, you have a problem with me?

218 replies

PinkAndViolet · 28/03/2022 13:23

Mutual friend felt my husband was rude to her. She had looked after the kids for us and when reporting back bad behaviour, he said it didn't seem right what she was saying and she then said she felt attacked.
Anyway, she told me how bad she felt in a text and how upset she was with my husband. It's clear she now has a problem with him and I did think it wrong that she told me in detail about how she feels as felt like she is pitting us off against each other. Aibu to be annoyed and stick by my husband?

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 28/03/2022 14:51

When she text, why wouldn't you pick up the phone and actually ring your friend and ask her what's going on?

KatherineJaneway · 28/03/2022 14:51

So, she did you a favour, fedback to your DH that your kids misbehaved and he basically called her a liar and she told you that your DH upset her? Natural reaction as far as I am concerned.

MissyB1 · 28/03/2022 14:52

Why aren’t you bothered about the fact that your children were rude and badly behaved?

Flowerbedflora · 28/03/2022 14:54

If she hadn't raised it with you and then went NC then the story would be 'I don't understand why my friend doesn't want to see me anymore. I wished she'd just spoke to me about it'. She is your friend not dh's.

Hollywolly1 · 28/03/2022 14:55

Maybe just doesn't want to be asked to mind your children, do you ask a lot? Or take advantage of her

Momicrone · 28/03/2022 14:55

Looking to someone for support is not 'stirring up trouble'

cherryonthecakes · 28/03/2022 14:56

Have you spoken to your kids about their behaviour ?

I don't think that your friend is shit stirring by talking to you.

Maybe she didn't have the time or words to explain herself to your h at the time?

Was this the first time she babysat ? Does she have kids? Does she know your child well?

We all know that parent who thinks that the sun shines out of their kids arse and defend them even when there is proof. Could your h be like that about his pfb?

Either way the normal way to deal with this would have been to thank her for the babysitting, listen to what she said then talk to the child later. If things didn't align then have another conversation.

Ime if she's a parent too, it's unusual for others to admit that your child wasn't well behaved. Much more common to say that everything was fine if it was a one off or mild bad behaviour.

I don't think that you should automatically side with your husband. Sometimes spouses can be too blunt in their behaviour and sometimes well behaved kids can behave badly. There is a chance that your friend has little patience for your h since she has a list of grievances and this is a last straw situation that she's overreacted to but I wasn't there so can't really say based on that one incident.

stimpyyouidiot · 28/03/2022 14:57

If someone told me my child had been badly behaved while they were looking after them I would be mortified and couldn't apologise enough. Why would they make it up? I assume she feels more comfortable talking to you, rather than your husband since he wasn't particularly nice last time.

EndaDay · 28/03/2022 14:58

Have you apologised to her for your children's bad behaviour or do you not believe her either?

Sittingonabench · 28/03/2022 14:59

I don’t think it is unreasonable to let the friendship go but I do t follow your logic.
If she is your friend then she has put herself in that position (looking after kids) for you. As the parent she explained the behaviour she experienced. Your husbands reaction seems to be the grey area and for whatever reason she felt unsupported and undermined (whether or not that was his intention). Yes she could have mentioned it to him but was likely still processing. Her getting in touch with you is related to not putting herself in that position again. Her detailing your husbands actions is the reason so I entirely think it’s reasonable she told you. Whether to stick by your husband is entirely down to whether his response was warranted, or whether your friends is. If my husband was rude to my friends I’d call him out on it.

BourbonVanilla · 28/03/2022 15:01

She did you a favour by watching your kids, and first your kids were rude to her, then your husband dismissed her concerns, and now you want to "draw a line" and "stand by your husband"? Wow, I'd avoid you lot if I were her.

Hiddenvoice · 28/03/2022 15:01

I don’t really see a problem in her telling you she was upset.
She has a friendship with you and just wanted to keep you in the loop with how she was feeling. She maybe didn’t phrase things in the right way but all I’d reply to it is sorry the children acted like that and a basic apology for your dh. I don’t see why it’s had to go so far as falling out. She did you a favour, your children didn’t behave well in her home and when she told your husband, he disagreed with her.
If she told you all was well and then the children came home with a different story then you’d have been annoyed at her.

jytdtysrht · 28/03/2022 15:08

I imagine she will be pleased not to look after your kids again. Your dh should have accepted her word about what happened and investigated with kids rather than saying straightaway that it didn’t sound right. Because she got nowhere with him she contacted you about your kids behaviour. There isn’t anything wrong about that - not to do with unity. You must address why your kids were rude.

Shiningpath · 28/03/2022 15:11

Sounds like it would be best to not continue the friendship. Your friend would be well rid.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 28/03/2022 15:18

@PinkAndViolet

I feel she should have spoken to my DH rather than me. I was annoyed she put me in that position. Did feel like she was trying to stir up trouble. Telling me she felt attacked and that it wasn't fair how she was treated by him.
I agree with that.

She put you in a difficult position where you had to take sides. Either support her and say 'oh yes the dcs were awful. My Dh was out f line' or support your dh's reaction.
This was wrong because
1- your DH is an independent person. If she had an issue with him, she should have talked to him, not you
2- you weren't there. The only thing you have is he said this and she said that. I don't think that asking you to take a position on that is fair.

What is interesting is the fact that she feels the trust has gone, incl the trust in you.... I'm wondering why.
Did she expect you to automatically take her side?

ittakes2 · 28/03/2022 15:18

It is for this exact reason I have never told a parent their child has been badly behaved. While morally I think it’s the right thing to do - parents think their children are angels and it’s the messenger that takes the heat. She helped you, she highlighted bad behaviour and now your friendship is ok jeopardy.

DigsDilemma · 28/03/2022 15:20

Like others have said, it seems clear your kids behaved very badly. There is no way your friend would have said anything unless it she was already upset by it, so your husband minimising/ignoring would have been very annoying. But no, you are not your husband, you are two separate people. If a friend had messaged me something like that I'd probably have just apologised for the kids misbehaving and said I would talk to them, and also rolled my eyes at my husband not taking it seriously.

Handy translator for kids returning from babysitting:
They were great/lovely/a pleasure = they behaved well
They were fine = some naughtiness but nothing I couldn't handle
I thing they were tired / excited / out of routine = they behaved pretty badly but it's over now so let's all move on
They were badly behaved = these kids were awful and I do not want to go through that again.
It must have been pretty bad for her to have to say something!

TheNameOfTheRoses · 28/03/2022 15:21

@jytdtysrht

I imagine she will be pleased not to look after your kids again. Your dh should have accepted her word about what happened and investigated with kids rather than saying straightaway that it didn’t sound right. Because she got nowhere with him she contacted you about your kids behaviour. There isn’t anything wrong about that - not to do with unity. You must address why your kids were rude.
On the other side, how many times are we told on MN that children are not reliable to say what has happened and you need to ask the adult in charge? See all the threads about children who come back from school saying 'the teacher did this and that'.

The first answer is to double check with the teacher as to what happened. Which is exactly what ther DH did. Saying he was surprised and ask for clarification.

As for contacting the OP, my understanding was that she contacted the OP about her DH's behaviour not the dcs...

Changechangychange · 28/03/2022 15:29

There is no way your friend would have said anything unless it she was already upset by it

Assuming the friend is reasonable, absolutely. But this friend has now sent a long text to OP, breaking off the friendship because “the trust is gone” and she can’t move past it, over OP’s DH being a bit glib about it. Which seems rather melodramatic on the face of it.

So either the OP is massively minimising what had happened (her kids set fire to her friend’s pet dog or something, and OP’s husband told her to fuck off), or the friend is batshit. We don’t know which, but I don’t know why people are completely discounting “friend is batshit” as a possibility.

EllaDuggee · 28/03/2022 15:30

She babysits for you for free, the kids misbehave and when she tells your husband he says "that doesn't seem right" . That does seem like he is implying he doesn't believe her. She does you a big favour and that's what she gets back. She is not shit stirring, you are her friend and she is telling you what happened , I'm not surprised she is upset.
Your husband needs to apologise to her and explain he didn't mean to come across like that.

Adododoadahdahdah · 28/03/2022 15:30

@BoredZelda

He believed it sounded out of character for the kids to behave in that way and wanted to find out more.

Shitty response which sounds like he didn’t believe her.

Have you put any effort into finding out from your kids, what happened? Or have you just focussed on her (quite rightly) being annoyed at your husband?

Sounds like she’ll be better off if you step back from the friendship.

Yep. She’d have no reason to make up them being badly behaved so why did he make out she was lying?
ddl1 · 28/03/2022 15:35

It depends so much on what actually happened and what the alleged misbehaviour was. If they insulted her, or refused to listen to safety instructions, then YABU. But it could be that she expects children to obey adults unquestioningly, and that they might have asked a question for clarification, or explained why they did something, and she took this as 'insolence' and 'answering back'. I doubt that she is lying, but she could have misinterpreted something.

On the other hand, it's also quite possible that your children behave with their parents, but may take someone else's supervision as an opportunity to be uncharacteristically naughty.

YABU to act as though you and your husband are the same person. However, unless there's a lot more to the story than you're telling us, she IBU to moan and gossip about one adult family member to another.

gamerchick · 28/03/2022 15:38

@MissyB1

Why aren’t you bothered about the fact that your children were rude and badly behaved?
Right!
MyLittlePhonyPony · 28/03/2022 15:42

Well now you can't outsource parenting to your friend I guess you and your husband will have to deal with the behaviour yourself.

Cocomarine · 28/03/2022 15:42

Your title sounds like when my daughter was a gobby 12 year old, when her little gang expressed loyalty with, “you take on one of us, you take on all of us.”

You sound very immature.

She did you a favour (?) looked after your kids, then they misbehaved. She raised that with their dad who ignored her “oh not my precious darlings” 🙄

She wasn’t trying to come between you and your husband, she just wanted to be heard after your badly behaved children got away with it because your husband was dismissive.

She’s better off without the pair of you and your badly behaved kids!